1. I was Target earlier returning a shirt that was cute, but was for someone else’s life. I sneezed, and since it’s not socially acceptable to hold one’s urethra closed in public, I braced myself so I wouldn’t pee and in so doing, pulled a muscle in my back.

2. Speaking of returning things, I also returned a dress to Dillard’s today. It was also the kind of dress that doesn’t go with my life. I bought it yesterday and when I got home and tried it on for my teen child, he said I “looked Amish, and not in a good way.” (The fact that I asked for his opinion reveals that I knew all along that it wasn’t right for me.) Also, when I was shopping yesterday, in pursuit of a new dress/life, they played “This Charming Man” over the speakers. The Smiths are now Dillard’s music? Oh, Manchester. So much to answer for.

3. Just to round out the returning-things thing, I also returned a dress to TJ Maxx (nothing was super wrong with it, and the teen did not roast me when I tried it on, but it just kind of looked like it cost $25 and that’s not a compliment) and a pair of pants to Old Navy. They were linen-blend elastic waist pants, but I am between sizes so the crotch kind of hangs low. Look, I have enough problems without having to keep up with a rogue crotch.

4. On Thursday, I did perhaps the most-me thing: I left my library book at the gynecologist’s office. While I am not usually one to lose things, when I do, I try to make the situation as embarrassing as possible. You try calling your gyno and asking if anyone has found a library book and see how confident and together you feel. (The book is The Demon-Haunted World by Carl Sagan. I hadn’t even started it!)

5. Speaking of books, the best book I’ve read recently is The Ministry of Time by Kaliane Bradley. I laughed, I cried, etc. Elements: time travel, bureaucracy, love.

6. Bye!