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18 Oct 2010

Puke and Die: The Sally J. Nordan Story.

Written by sally @ 7:45 pm — Section: sally

In the last batch of childhood my mother brought me, there were several gems: my most favorite and most horrible baby doll, whose hair has been cut, eyelashes been pulled out, and arm twisted behind her back; a Gumby phone that didn’t really work all that well in 1987, and an envelope marked DO NOT OPEN: THE CONTENTS WILL MAKE YOU PUKE AND DIE.

I was actually relieved to see the envelope — I hadn’t seen it in awhile and feared it had been tossed out. (Why I have this fear I don’t know. I keep everything, especially everything that is an envelope with the phrase “puke and die” on it.) The items that will make you puke and die are just a couple of notes and a cassette tape, memories of my first official boyfriend.

The part that is interesting in all this is not the notes — while I can’t remember the specifics, the fact that every single one of them starts with an apology does not bode well and make me angry in a very 10th grade way — it is the cassette tape. One day the boy and I were horsing around with the tape recorder in my kitchen (one of those under-the-cabinet deals) and recorded ourselves talking.

If I could bear to listen to the whole thing, it would make a much better blog entry than this, but I could only stand a few seconds of it, so this is all you get. Here is a transcript of the few seconds I listened to before the urge to puke and die overwhelmed me and I had to climb down from standing on Larry’s toilet because the only cassette player that still works in the house is on the top shelf in his bathroom. (Spike was on my bed watching me, asking, “What doing, Mommy? What doing?” Oh, Spike. It’s complicated, ok?)

Boy: Are your ears not pierced?
Me: No. Well, they ARE, but —
Boy: But you wear clip-ons?
Me: Yes.
(pause)
Me: My ears rot.

Oh, hi. I’m 15. A cute boy likes me and is taking an interest in my earlobes and I reveal that the reason I am wearing these cool vintage clip-ons is not because I am cool, but because my ears rot. While it’s true (they still do!), come ON, Sally.

I fear what else I might reveal. Could someone listen to it, transcribe it for me, and then gently let me know just how bad it is?

3 Responses to “Puke and Die: The Sally J. Nordan Story.”

  1. vendela said:

    i will do it.
    i still have an unopened, never-sent letter to ricky schroeder from 6th grade. if i find it, we can criss-cross.

  2. sally said:

    You will be receiving this tape and your contract soon.

  3. Jay said:

    i just googled “ear rot” and all I got was stuff about corn. please explain.

    wait. nevermind. i don’t want to know.