On Friday night, Larry, Jaxxie, gorjus, and I ran into our realtor, Paulie, who took a shine to gorjus. It is really not my fault. Really.

We were at Char (after a brief visit to Julep and an extended visit to Bravo) where it was apparently glitzy geriatric night. Everyone there could easily be described by one or more of the following:

–old
–bald
–white haired
–bedazzled
–befeathered
–besequined
–wearing a tuxedo with a bedazzled bow tie
–drunk.

There was a man playing piano and old drunk bedazzlers gathered ’round belting out songs. High point: two male bedazzlers in tuxedos singing “Wonderful World” in their Louis Armstrong voices while staring into each other’s eyes. One of the participants was fond, during other songs, of waving his arms about as if he were a conductor, which a small Asian lady would then mimic as if it were a hot new dance.

This is our future, predicted Jaxxie. This is us in 40 years. Honestly, I thought it was hilarious. At least they were putting forth the effort. If my future holds drunken singalongs and feather boas, sign me up.

One of the drunken bedazzlers was Larry’s friend and our realtor, Paulie. He was adhering to the dress code and was wearing a tuxedo with requisite sparkly bow tie. He was with a 50+ Botoxed, implanted, blonde lady friend wearing (what else?) a red sequined evening gown. Paulie is a tall, gay, bald man who has been with his partner, Dan, for 15 years. The bar was crowded, so I just waved at Paulie while he and Larry were talking. When Larry came back to the table, he said that Paulie and Dan were getting a divorce.

Later, as we were leaving, we all went over to say hello to Paulie. In retrospect, it is not what I said, but the fateful timing of when I said what I said that led Paulie to ogle and grope gorjus.

(Sally, gorjus, and Jaxxie approach Paulie at the bar. As gorjus and Jaxxie don’t know him, they hang back while Sally shouts into Paulie’s ear.)

Sally: I’m sorry to hear about your recent troubles.
Paulie: Oh, you know, it’s rough. But I’m okay. Hey, if you know anyone who wants to have dinner sometime, let me know, ok?
Sally: (thinks of the one gay man his age she knows who also happens to be totally, excrutiatingly annoying and horrible, then decides not to say anything) Okay. (looks at gorjus and Jaxxie standing there, bored) Hey, this is gorjus–
Paulie: Oh, hi!!! (shakes hand) I love your french cuffs. And your shirt is fabulous.
Sally: Uh, and this is Jaxxie.
Paulie: Hi. This is Botox Betty, my fake wife.
Botox Betty: Hi.
Sally: gorjus was our fake minister at our wedding. And Jaxxie may be in need of a realtor.
Paulie: Oh! Where are y’all looking for y’all’s house?
Jaxxie: Uh, we may need a realtor for our separate houses.
Sally: They’re not dating.
(pause)
Paulie: Oh, are y’all fake married, too?
Sally: (totally oblivious)
Jaxxie and gorjus: Heh. No.

Then somehow, as if his intentions were not totally clear, as we were saying goodbye Paulie managed to give gorjus a squeeze. I am not at liberty to say where. I have been laughing over the fact that I had no idea what was going on and the hilarious timing of the conversation for the past few days. (Know anyone I can have dinner with? Hey, this is gorjus!)

If nothing else, this episode livened up an otherwise so-so night.