• I would like to formally start an internet rumor that Jayden James Federline, the thus-unseen Spears baby, has a port wine stain. Thank you.

• In high school, when hamburgers were served in the cafeteria, they were not called “hamburgers.” They were called “meat and cheese,” which is scarily vague, although technically correct. My friend Mike used to enthusiastically ask the lunch lady for “met and chezz, plezz!” which at the time was hilarious. Actually, I still think it’s hilarious. It’s fun to say out loud. Try it.

• Also in high school, my friend Jason thought that “leggo my Eggo” was just something you said to someone who was also eating Eggos, like “high five, man! leggo my eggo!” Therefore, I am fond (still) of saying, “Let go of my Eggo brand waffle” to myself when I have the occasion to eat an Eggo brand waffle. Such as this morning.

• I really want this book. This is why:

You’re a brunette, 6′, long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4’10”, have the looks of Hervé Villechaize and carry an odour of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box no. 3321.