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8 Feb 2011

Mercenary Machinations, Incorporated. How May I Direct Your Call?

Written by sally @ 4:52 pm — Section: sally

Here’s something that made me feel old: at Kroger the other day there were two preteen girls who were dressed in identical outfits. I cannot remember why preteen girls do this. I know I did it; I’m sure of it. But I can’t remember why! “Are you gonna wear your Spuds McKenzie shirt tomorrow?” “Ok, so am I.” WHY.

About a week ago I noticed a really disgusting taste in my mouth. It tasted like I’d been chewing on an aspirin. Here are the potential causes I came up with:
1. I realllllly need to floss.
2. Is it heartburn?
3. Do I have a tumor?
4. Maybe Larry is poisoning me.
5. Weird side effect of FML?

After I googled it, Larry and I had this conversation.

Sally: So I finally figured out that the gross taste in my mouth is from my eye drops!
Larry: That’s kind of weird.
Sally: Yeah. Apparently you’re not poisoning me after all.
Larry: You thought I was poisoning you?
Sally: It crossed my mind!
(pause)
Larry: I would never use poison.

Long years ago, when I extracted myself from my first marriage, I had a pile of things that made me want to vomit: some emails, a handwritten letter, and a multi-page List of Grievances. I knew that one day, I would find these funny, but if I kept them in my house I would end up finding a friendly yak to eat them. So I gave them to my friend Ann to keep, and yesterday, while looking for her husband’s birth certificate, she found them! Oh, and then she scanned them and sent them to me.

Here are some of the phrases from an email from October 2002. See if you can pinpoint why I would want to feed this document to a yak:

–“the relative wisdom of it all is not something I can presume to comprehend so abortively as you seem to do” (uh)
–repeatedly refers to our relationship/marriage as “our enterprise”
–“here we rest upon a plateau of what we ought to be” (do what now)
–“how very hoodwinked and hurt am I”
–“cowardly abandonment” (I think that is the definition of abandonment, btw)
–“mercenary machinations” (I have no idea what this means)
–“mine is anguish unsurpassed by your own of months gone by” (wait, are you saying that your anguish is or isn’t as bad as mine? because I seriously can’t tell)
–And then he quotes some Chaucer. In Middle English.

It pains me — mine anguish is unsurpassed, some might say — that I inspired these phrases. Mine unsurpassed anguish was allayed somewhat when I saw that I included “ate chicken leg that I claimed the day before” on the multi-page List of Grievances,

3 Responses to “Mercenary Machinations, Incorporated. How May I Direct Your Call?”

  1. poobou said:

    So wait, did he always talk like Yoda, or is that just his writing style? Because… wow.

    I still giggle about your FML eyedrops. Hee.

  2. Elisabeth said:

    I’m partial to hoodwinked and hurt. I’m going to start using that with my mother. I’ll let you know how that goes.

  3. Sally said:

    Talk like that not he did, but write like that, dear god, ALL THE TIME.