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21 Apr 2010


Written by sally @ 9:40 am — Section: sally

If you ask someone for something via email and hear nothing after a week, and then you nicely nudge them to ask if they received the first email and still hear nothing, and then someone gives you a new email address for them and you forward them the original email with a peppy “just making sure I have the right address!”, and then they respond to your request in all caps, are they yelling? What if the person is over 70? So many factors in this equation. I have successfully received non all-caps emails from this person before. And yet, the person is old and possibly did not notice. Sidenote: if you don’t follow Martha Stewart on Twitter, you should. She is hilarious. She types in all caps, and then gets defensive when people call her on it, and then sometimes she puts her phone in her pocket and tweets nonsense. It’s comedy gold, I tell you.

Last week I read my journal from mid-junior year through beginning of senior year of college, and besides the usual grumbling about my boyfriend/other boys/crushes/etc, I discovered something fairly interesting. I have written before about my weird friendship with the strange, yet lovable Vicki Nelson, and in my mind I have this perception of how things were: that we were friends that bickered, but who still loved each other. (Except that time I sat there while her new boyfriend got ambushed by her old boyfriend.) Because of that incident, I have felt for YEARS that I was the predominantly bad one in the friendship, that poor little Vicki just got dumped on and I am a mean and hateful person.

But thanks to the power of journaling, I have discovered that Vicki Nelson’s bitchiness is on par with mine! What a fucking relief. I read a passage in which a long-pined for crush randomly calls me up out of nowhere and then we meet for coffee (this is why you need a landline, haters! so people can find you!) and I call Vicki to tell her about it. I wrote it out in dialogue format, much like this:

Vicki: Who?
Sally: Long-pined for crush!
Vicki: (silence)
Vicki: Really?
Sally: Yes!
Vicki: I…I can’t believe it.

For the rest of the conversation, Vicki tries to kill my enthusiasm by saying mean things, the best of which is this line: “If he ever calls you again and y’all go somewhere, you’ll have to tell me so I can come too ’cause I remember him being really ugly.” VICKI NELSON. ALL CAPS IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO SAY THAT YOU ARE TERRIBLE.

2 Responses to “LET’S WRITE IN ALL CAPS.”

  1. mix said:

    My junior-senior year journals are all man vs. self. I think we could use our separate journals to compile a really awesome study about the dialectics of self philosophy something something hilarious etc. Eh? Confab?

  2. ap said:

    That must really be Martha twittering then, huh. I think she’d have already fired any wretched underling making those mistakes.