A few weeks ago I started thinking about the country song “You’re the Reason God Made Oklahoma,” which might be one of the weirdest and most romantic of sentiments. I have now listened to it approximately one million times, and I still think it is a weird and romantic sentiment. But listening to that song made me want to revisit some of my other country favorites, and so I have made a playlist, and through the power of random songs being played one after the other, I have discovered a secret! Ok, it’s not a secret. It is a theory. A theory that I enjoy.

First, the Tracy Lawrence song “I See It Now.” In this song, the narrator sees his former love interest at a location appropriate for dancing. He notes that she looks great, and laments that the reason for this is the hot new dude on her arm, with whom she dances about. He is not bitter; he’s happy for her, despite the fact that during their relationship, she clearly didn’t like him as much as she likes this new guy. It’s sweet!

(The video involves time travel, two Tracy Lawrences, and the plot of Carrie, so clearly you must watch it now.)

Second, the Alabama song “Old Flame.” In this song, a man is at a location, perhaps one appropriate for dancing, with his love interest. She runs into her former love interest. The narrator says, “I could tell you once were lovers / you ain’t hiding nothin’ that I don’t know.” Hmm, shaming her for past relationships isn’t a good look. Why does she have to hide the fact that she had a boyfriend once? LET HER HAVE HER PAST. Ugh, this guy. He goes on and says while she may not like the old guy as much as she likes him, she’s liked the old guy longer and then he threatens to break off the relationship.

This is the same situation, told by the two different men! I have loved “Old Flame” since it came out in 1981 and now it is ruined by toxic masculinity. I will now devote my life to writing a third country song, told from the point of view of the woman, in which she goes to a location appropriate for dancing with her jealous new boyfriend, runs into her old boyfriend, sees how the new boyfriend cannot handle it, predicts that his jealousy will only escalate, and leaves them both to go back to school and get a PhD.