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7 Jan 2011

I Got Something for You.

Written by sally @ 9:59 am — Section: sally

Yesterday during lunch I was in the Gap using up a gift card (in case you’re wondering, everything already marked down was an additional 40% off). At the register, a very tall lady was huffing and puffing over a return. They were waiting for the manager to arrive, but the woman didn’t move even when the salesperson started to ring me up.

When the manager arrived — a very calm, cool dude with dreadlocks — the woman proceeded to lose her mind immediately over the state of some clearly worn pants, which she wanted to return without a receipt. There was some hollering regarding OH HELL YEAH YOU’RE GONNA TAKE THESE BACK and WOULD YOU WEAR ‘EM? and THEY GOT A DEFECT ON ‘EM which was so entertaining my transaction took twice as long because I was just standing there staring at her. Apparently the defect was that they were linty. The manager suggested she acquire a lint roller.

The best part came when the manager said I’m sorry, but I just can’t take these back without a receipt and Freakout Jones yelled FINE. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? I’m sorry? the manager asked. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE. I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

I nearly wet my pants out of excitement!

The manager said, Oh, well, I’m calling security. You’re not going to threaten me. He really did say it like that, very calm and controlled. All of the labels on the cans in his cabinets probably face forward.

The woman then left, taking her pants from 1983 with her. When I left (with my pants and two sweaters for $7 after the discount and a $50 gift card), I looked for her in the parking lot but didn’t see her.

I wanted to tell her that her method was all wrong. You don’t start off being an asshole. You build to assholery! Start chatty and sweet! Get the person to agree with you, and THEN they will break Gap Rule 436.32 Re: Returns without Receipts. Was a store credit not good enough? Did she not know to at least iron the pants to make them look unworn/unwashed? I could really teach her a few things. And then she’d probably break my arm.

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