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29 Mar 2010

Grievance Theater: The Pilot.

Written by sally @ 2:51 pm — Section: sally

Welcome to the cozy Grievance Theater! Tonight’s episode features topics that are currently under my skin and scribbled on a series of off-brand Post-its in my office!

Let us get started.

Grievance the First: This morning on the Today Show, the mother of a recently slain child was on because the police have arrested and charged a suspect. While it is certainly awesome that there is progress in the case, Ann Curry asking the mother something along the lines of “oh hey, up until last week, you thought your daughter had been asphyxiated, but now you know that she actually died in this heinous way” just set me OFF. First, I changed the channel to VH1, where I discovered that the Barenaked Ladies have a new single (but the charming chubby singer who wants to eat Kraft dinners was nowhere to be seen). I do not know a) what heinous fashion the child was killed in or b) how the mother reacted to this news. You know why? Because it’s none of my business. It’s none of yours, either. Or Ann Curry’s! On the one hand, I understand why a child’s abduction and murder are given lots of airplay. I watch. I’m interested and horrified. But there is a point (perhaps after the search has been called off, the body found, a suspect arrested) where I shouldn’t have access to that information.

Once upon a time, my friend was murdered. It was on the news, the trial was the top headline, and there are specials on Oxygen: Apparently Television for Women Who Love Crime about the case even now. Having to hear the details of what happened to her ON THE TELEVISION filled me with rage at the time. It was none of my business! It’s none of anybody’s business. It’s the family’s business. Go away. Go away, Ann Curry, and your gross question! Asking the mother directly, to her face via satellite, what she thought about the manner in which her child was murdered? Please. Get thee off my tv, and bring on the Barenaked Ladies, and if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, let’s bring on the song with the Chickety China the Chinese Chicken because that’s the one I know all the words to.

Grievance the Second: I am irritated by people who, when you tell them something they didn’t know, react like this: “How did YOU know that?” Once Larry and his coworker and I were having lunch together, and the coworker was reading out some trivia questions from the placemat (it was a classy establishment). The question had to do with the French word for eggplant. I said “aubergine,” which was correct, and then the coworker asked the question: “How did YOU know that?” Because I consider this person a huge dork, it irked me that he kept going on about how I knew something he didn’t. Y’all. We all know different stuff.

Do you know what I say when someone knows something I don’t? I say OH REALLY?

Grievance the Third: I do not enjoy it when people use the formal version of common words in order to sound more intelligent. Examples: vehicle, film (when the “film” is starring Nicholas Cage). Maybe I should’ve come up with more examples before listing this one. But still: VEHICLE. Come on.

Grievance the Fourth: When people say, “You have too much time on your hands” when they mean “I did not do what you did, but somehow you doing it bothers me, and thus, I must say something shitty instead of just saying ‘Oh look you did something I did not do.'” Case in point: I recently made some fairly kick-ass muffins for a Thing, and then upon delivery of muffins I discovered everyone else just bought their muffins, and my muffins were looked upon with disdain and like they were made by someone with too much time on her hands, and then the muffins were dumped into a basket unlovingly and the store-bought, CLEARLY INFERIOR muffins were dumped on top.

I wouldn’t be reduced to ragging on store-bought muffins (which I enjoy!) had my muffins been met with a “thanks!” instead of a You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands (YHTMTYH) sneer.

Well, that does it for this episode of Grievance Theater. I hope you’ll tune in next time, because this was sure entertaining, positive fun for everyone.

11 Responses to “Grievance Theater: The Pilot.”

  1. jacob said:

    i am a big fan of Grievance Theater (aka Grievance Cinema). real big fan.

  2. Elizabeth said:

    Please more episodes!!!

  3. poobou said:

    Oh I so hope this series gets picked up for a full season.

    Also: the only thing that bugs me more than the word “vehicle” is the way some people say it in Mississippi: vee-HICK-ull. And yes, the only people who should be allowed to use that word are the highway patrol.

  4. Lauren said:

    This is wonderful.

  5. ap said:

    Ooh, Grievance the Fourth leaves me stewing every time!

  6. Liz said:

    You are justified in all of these! It makes me mad just reading about them, actually. Contact grievance!

  7. christy said:

    I just want to confess the only reason I know aubergine is the French word for eggplant is from watching British decorating shows.

  8. Elizabeth said:

    The only reason I knew what the aubergine meant was because of Olympia DuKakis in Steel Magnolias.

  9. Mix said:

    Who are these people who are licking a muffin-horse in the mouth? They’re going to shun the homemade muffins? Freaks! Freaks, I say!

  10. Katrina said:

    FMLYCEO

  11. Professor Fury said:

    What irks me even more than “How do you know that?” is its close cousin, “WHY do you know that?” As though there’s something morally suspect about possessing particular bits of knowledge. Then again, I may just be prickly on this issue because my answer is usually “I read it in a comic.”