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23 Aug 2011

Curmudgeons, Unite!

Written by sally @ 9:08 am — Section: sally

Yesterday at the public library I saw a lady spit on the ground. Then I held the door open for an old lady who gushed and gushed at my kindness, and 3 minutes later I was cursing her as she didn’t believe that green turn arrow was insurance enough that it was her turn to go and her car crept across the street. People of Earth! I love you only on my terms. The rest of the time you get on my nerves.

About a month ago Spike went to visit Larry’s parents for about a week, and when he came home, he was un-potty trained, at least at night (there were some issues during the day, too, but those resolved in a couple of days). Larry’s parents WOKE HIM UP several times in the night and took him to the bathroom EVEN THOUGH when he arrived at their house he was fully capable of sleeping all night without peeing. Well, as I am interested in sleep, I did not start setting my alarm to let my child pee, and after 5 nights in a row of changing peed-up sheets at 2:30 in the morning, we took a giant step back and put Spike back in Pull-ups (except I like Easy-Ups better but you don’t care about that do you). It is with a black and heavy heart full of rage that I did this. Each morning as Spike took off the 500-pound, loaded with pee diaper, which would land on the floor with a thump, I cursed my in laws for breaking my child. Anyway, he seems to be mostly fixed now, but y’all, it took ONE MONTH to fix this! I’m relieved that he’s able to hold it all night, but also relieved that I can finally stop cursing my mother-in-law. [Edited to add: I will be deleting this paragraph soon.]

A few weeks ago I got a text from one of my young coworkers, who will we call Golly, reporting that so-and-so (a notoriously stiff, unemotional person) was all revved up and acting “cray cray” at an event. I texted back and said something like “Oh man. What does that even mean?” because this person is SO reserved and nervous and by-the-book I couldn’t imagine her letting loose. Golly texted back “Cray cray means crazy. She’s hooting and hollering!”

I was so offended she thought I didn’t know what cray cray meant! I wanted to tell her that I was saying cray cray when she was born, which was technically when I was in high school, oh god. I texted back, “I know what cray-cray means, CHILD!”

The next day we were having lunch at a work event and I brought up the cray cray scandal to share my hurt in an exaggerated manner with my tablemates. A girl I am pretty good friends with named Folly was also there.

Me: So Golly over here texted me that someone was acting cray cray, and when I responded, she thought I didn’t understand what cray cray meant. I’m so offended!
Golly: Here we go.
Folly: I don’t know what cray cray means.
Me: If I said, “You are acting so cray cray!” what would you think that means?
Folly: I’d think you were speaking another language.
Me: No, really.
Golly: You know, in context! “You’re acting cray cray!”
Folly: I have no idea what that means.
Me: Are you seriously telling me you can’t figure that out?
Folly: I do not use slang, or abbreviations, or whatever hip language the kids are using.
Me: OH MY GOD.
Folly: The English language is a beautiful thing! Making up words is just wrong!
Me: [stifling urge to revert to English teacher status to explain how language evolves] Oh, you use slang, shut up.
Folly: No, I don’t. I don’t understand cray cray. I don’t want to understand it.
Golly: What about totes?
Folly: I don’t know what that means.
Golly: Adorbs?
Folly: No.
Me: Ok, what about if I said “Y’all, I can’t wait to eat. I’m so hung.”
(pause)
Old Lady at Table: I don’t think that one works.

Fin

4 Responses to “Curmudgeons, Unite!”

  1. Jay said:

    This made me LOL (laugh out loud).

  2. Liz said:

    All those situations would make me straight up lose my mind. Probs go cray cray.

  3. poobou said:

    Folly sounds like no fun whatsoever.

    The un-potty training? I would LOSE MY MIND. And this is why I won’t get a vacation for the next 15 years or so, because I don’t trust other people to NOT break my kid.

  4. Mix said:

    I just assumed that cray cray had something to do with cray(w)fish. Jk. I know what it means. I also LOLed. Good times.