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14 Feb 2020

Welcome to Compatible Chones!

Written by sally @ 12:00 pm — Section:

Welcome to Compatible Chones, the dating website for chones seeking chones.

To get started, please fill out the Compatible Chones Compatibility Questionnaire. We will match you with the most compatible chone in our database. Please answer each question, as an incomplete profile could match you with someone terrible, like someone who thinks Spice Drops are a good candy.

1. On a first date, what’s appropriate “getting to know you” conversation?
a. parents and childhood
b. where you went to school
c. cannibalism
d. job history

2. In the beginning of a potential relationship, how do you like to end a date?
a. extended public makeout with tongue and moaning
b. say “see ya” and moonwalk back to your car
c. awkward parking lot hug
d. butt pinch

3. After 12 lunches, 9 awkward parking lot hugs, and one makeout, what is the appropriate next step?
a. hasty marriage/immediate divorce
b. 12 more lunches
c. hotel room date
d. parasailing

4. What is your texting style?
a. LOTS of emojis and LOLs
b. immediate all-caps responses with no punctuation
c. paragraphs with multiple subjects with a very long parting list of inside jokes
d. I only use a landline

5. What kind of gifts do you think you should give your chone for his/her birthday?
a. tickets to the rodeo
b. extravagantly expensive jewelry in order to impress friends/relatives
c. airbrushed tshirt from the beach
d. I don’t give gifts

6. What are your opinions on euphemisms and made up words?
a. they are childish
b. I only speak the King’s English
c. jooj, oine, vipet, scungle, protuberances, hairhole, plug-in hotmaker
d. I am not creative enough to make up words

7. Choose the most interesting historical figure.
a. George Washington
b. George W. Bush
c. Tararre, the Frenchman who maybe ate a toddler
d. George Jones

8. Choose your version of a great date night:
a. ballroom dancing (excludes fox dance)
b. escape room with strangers
c. cooking together, drinking chonitas, listening to Peggy Scott-Adams, boning
d. fighting, screaming, calling the police

9. What does FWJ stand for?
a. Free Willy, Jr.
b. Fossilized Walrus Jawbone
c. Feelings, Words, Jooj
d. Fear Wild Jackals

10. What is your sexual style?
a. detached, remote, robotic
b. I like to cry during
c. hot and sweet/hot and nasty
d. sadly, my parts were ripped off/perforated in an “accident” where I “slipped and fell” onto a “goat horn” so unfortunately, coitus is not possible for me

Thank you for taking the Compatible Chones Compatibility Questionnaire. Write your answers down and put them under your pillow. You will wake up next to someone who thinks you are wonderful, who is grateful for you, who can’t get enough of you, and who is very much in love with you.

Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetest of chones!

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