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29 Jun 2011

Come Dancing — It’s Only Natural (To Be Humiliated).

Written by sally @ 3:16 pm — Section: sally

I.
From Kindergarten through fourth grade, I was always in the school talent show. I would essentially just do the jazz routine I had learned in dance class as my audition and I was let in. (Now is also the time to tell you that my first career aspiration was to be a tap dancer on Broadway.) In 5th grade, with the swagger associated with a talent show veteran, I didn’t bother to review my jazz dance the night before the audition. I was a pro! I had not only been in tap, jazz, and ballet for the past 5 years, but my mom was president of the PTA and there was no way I wouldn’t make it past the audition process. Except about 30 seconds into my routine, which I performed to the Steve Miller song “Abracadabra,” I realized I did not, in fact, have a routine, and thus, just did a series of jazz moves over and over. I remember a lot of spinning, clapping, and running about the stage while wearing a leotard. Also, you may not be aware of the fact that “Abracadabra” goes on for at least one thousand hours. Unsurprisingly, I did not make it into the talent show, which was awesome because I was spared having to dance in front of my entire school to a song that includes the lyric “black panties with an angel’s face.” To this day — this literal day, as it happened this morning — I can’t hear “Abracadabra” without blushing.

II.
I had to take four p.e. classes in college — yes, for an English degree — and so I took tap dance, social dance, folk dance, and modern dance. Tap dance was great, folk dance was fantastic, modern dance was gross because we were all barefoot, but social dance was taught by a lady who did not think it was funny when we screwed up the cha cha. Also she made us perform various dances in the student union in front of other humans. While I was doing the mambo in the union one day, concentrating on pressing my thigh into the thigh of my partner, we were talking about how there was actually a fairly low chance of anyone we knew seeing our humiliation. At that moment, I looked up and saw this cute guy from high school watching our dance performance from the second floor balcony. I thought, maybe he didn’t see me! but then he waved and shouted, HI SALLY! This kind of thing is why I am rarely seen outside of my home.

III.
I was pretty serious about ballet from sixth through tenth grade and went multiple times a week to ballet class, where my teacher had a fake Russian accent and would pound out the beats with a wooden stick as she screamed ONE-two-three TWO-two-three THREE-two-three. In other words, it was fantastic. After barre work we moved to the floor, and occasionally we would do this horrible stretch that required us to lay on our stomachs, bend our knees, and put our feet together. Can you picture this? Then the teacher would come around and press down on our feet, which sucked. I will not put a lot of bells and whistles on what happened one day: reader, when my teacher pressed on my feet, I farted. And do you know what my teacher said? In her fake Russian accent? “I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” I laughed so hard out of embarrassment that I started crying. Then she kicked me out of class for the day for being disruptive, which was great because there’s no way I could’ve pulled off a decent √©chapp√© after that.

3 Responses to “Come Dancing — It’s Only Natural (To Be Humiliated).”

  1. Mix said:

    I like the no-bells-and-whistles approach. I also like the image. If you could perform this feat for my birthday, along with the Crystal Gale singing, I would be most grateful. You can get Larry to play the part of your ballet teacher.

  2. poobou said:

    I might blush on your behalf every time I hear “Abracadabra” from now on.

  3. vendela said:

    i love story #3. I also like the one about he girl who quit ballet for a while, so she could grow boobs.