I have been making my way very slowly through the original Dallas, which is wilder than you remember if you’re about my age and your parents watched it and all you remember is that JR got shot that one time. Dallas world is different than regular world. Time goes by differently. A whole day’s worth of stuff will happen and then someone will say, “Well, thanks for breakfast, time to go to the office!” For being the richest oil barons in Texas, the Ewings have a super shitty office. It’s like two little crummy rooms and a crowded reception area. Every couple of seasons, Southfork, which is also a dump, gets a new room we get to see. I’m currently in season 5 and they have now added a kitchen for us to look at. While I realize that Dallas is a soap opera that frequently makes no sense, this does not stop me from analyzing it like I’m writing a paper for a Shakespeare class. 99% of the problems of Dallas boil down to this: these grown men and their wives still live with their parents. I can’t tell you how many times my boyfriend or I will yell PLEASE JUST MOVE OUT, BOBBY at the tv. Oh also, you can’t watch Dallas silently. One must constantly comment upon what’s happening: the hairdos, the fashion, the poor life choices, the decor, how much brown liquor they drink, the insanity, the illogical plotlines, the music, Larry Hagman’s teeth. There’s a lot to discuss. If it’s not clear, this is an endorsement.

This has been a weird year, and not just in terms of the whole global pandemic. Several People From the Past have reappeared in various ways, and it has been interesting to confront the ideas of you that people have versus your own perception of you — especially if it was from 25, 20, 15 years ago. Even a couple of years ago you is (hopefully) different than today you. We’re supposed to grow and change and evolve and get better, right? As a person who has always thought I have a good memory, talking to a Long Ago Person about something I did or said and hearing a completely different version of it has been illuminating. Who is correct? Which version is true? Fortunately, no one who reappeared did so for malicious purposes, even if I wasn’t the nicest person to them. I have a theory that people who end up hating your guts never really loved you; those who can forgive your humanity are the ones you don’t mind hearing from even if you were mean to them 20 years ago.

So let’s see…Dallas, a pandemic, People from the Past, what else has happened this year? I read some books, but not as many as usual. I thoroughly enjoyed The Ghosts of Eden Park by Karen Abbott. If you like reading about the dumb stuff that rich people do, there are passages that will thrill you. I will never get over this: at George Remus’s 1921 New Year’s Eve party, there was a $1,000 bill under everyone’s dinner plate, the men all got diamond stickpins and gold watches, and the women all got…1922 Pontiacs. Then they went out to the pool and some synchronized swimmers did their thing, and then George was like “I am done with this dumb party” and went and ate some cold boiled ham and read a book in his study. There is plenty more where that came from, including all the ways you could buy yourself luxury while in federal prison.

I hope you have a lovely and small holiday season, whatever you’re doing. Don’t let anyone breathe on you, and please wash your hands.