1. In a conference call a moment ago, someone took offense at the meeting’s leader, James, using the term “e-commerce” (I know; for me, it’s up there with “fuck” as a verb) and pulled this move:
“First of all — I’m sorry, what’s your name again? Ok, well, JAMES, well what you need to know is…”
This rattled James to the extent that he said this, which made me ell oh ell.
“We don’t want to put the customer to sleep. I mean, um…not…not in a euthanization kind of way, I mean.”
He said it totally earnestly, as if anyone in the history of the universe would think that’s what he meant! Yes, well, my e-commerce plan is to MURDER THE CUSTOMER (and charge them for it).
2. At the Thai restaurant today, a dumb man said to the owner, who is Thai, “Hey, happy Chinese New Year! Do y’all celebrate that?” In case you’re wondering: yes, I died.
3. I started the year by reading Solar by Ian McEwan. In it, McEwan abandons his tried-and-true suspense-filled writing for an attempt at comedy, and ohjesus is it terrible. There is a four-page part featuring crisps on a train that is fantastic, but otherwise, please read a different McEwan book if you must. But not On Chesil Beach! Because that one sucks too (but for different reasons).
4. Now I’m reading Snobs by Julian Fellowes (creator of the Downton Abbey and the Gosford Park!), and it is pretty good, but yesterday my public library had The Night Circus, which I’m pretty anxious to read, and so I’m trying to rush through Snobs.
5. One of my favorite Twitter feeds is LarkinQuotes. Just a few lines of Phillip Larkin’s poems, a couple of times a day. It’s delightful to read a tweet about a sandwich someone just ate, a profane Rob Delaney tweet, and then read this:
“High above the gutter / A silver knife sinks into golden butter”
6. I got over being mad at The Good Wife. This week’s episode was particularly good, I thought, although I could be factoring in the fact that I listened to/watched it in my office at work while I was doing some sorting and cleaning.
7. I heard that Project Runway: All Stars has no Tim Gunn nor Heidi Klum. Must I watch? Please discuss.
8. Do you know about Munchies brand snacks? Not Munchos but Munchies, the snack with the unfortunate name. It’s pretzels, Doritos, Cheetos, and Sun Chips all living polygamously together in one bag. I recommend.
9. My friend Graham is in this band called Get Better, which has an EP you can download for a mere $2! That’s about the price of a big bag of Munchies. So for five bucks, you can listen to some songs and eat some chips. That’s…I mean, what else is there. I didn’t add a question mark because it’s not really a question.
10. Sometimes if I have a snack at my desk (ahem Munchies) and I get a little cheesy dust on my fingers, instead of getting up to wash my hands like a human being, I will lick my fingers and then wipe them dry on the inside of my pants leg. The inside! No one needs to know! (Except you.)