Month 4: National Poetry Month. | Home | I’m Giving Up the Pretense of Reading 52 Books This Year!

4 Nov 2007

34 x 365, Or I Love Bandwagons.

Written by sally @ 11:03 am — Section:

1. Miss Rose. You lived across the street from us on Potomac. Sam ran away once, leaving a note that said, “I’ve run away to Miss Rose’s house.” He’d packed a kid-sized briefcase full of Monopoly money.

2. Stephanie. You lived next door to me our freshman year of college. You were really tall and pretty, which is why I didn’t understand when our pudgy friend told us he did it with you.

3. Mike. Remember the time I was sick and you brought me some orange juice? And then in the middle of the night we sort of fleetingly/sleepily made out but we never, ever discussed it?

4. Mark. You lived upstairs from me in Starkville, and I always felt sorry for you because your dad is a famous religious zealot. Your great revenge was a tattoo of a dolphin on your ankle.

5. Daryle. You were the coolest skater in 8th grade, with that awesome skaterboy swoop of bangs. I had on a crush on you for years, but you made out with all my friends, you jerk.

6. Tommy. My friend broke up with you after several poo poo-related incidents. You told us that once you went on a double date with Queen Latifah (when she was just a girl named Dana).

7. Carrie. You were my grandmother’s friend and sometime employee. I was fond of you but was ridiculed by your grandchildren for referring to you as my black grandmother as I ran up your front steps.

8. Jennifer. You arrived at 7th grade with a fresh new identity — you told everyone that your name was Janice and that you were Jennifer’s twin. After a few weeks you went back to being Jennifer.

9. Kristin. We were ballet friends and somehow managed to sustain this friendship for several years post-ballet even though the main glue of our friendship was talking bad about the one other girl in our class.

10. Gwen. You had the perfect name for who you were: a small girl with the kind of glasses that made your eyes look big. People called you Chicken Little. Both of your names were apt.

11. Valerie. You were not the brightest of girls. When the boys in the cafeteria told you you were “back in business” when you dipped your food in ranch dressing, that wasn’t a good thing.

12. Greg. I was mildly afraid of you in high school, and then we had a class together at community college where I decided that you were secretly awesome. I thought you were my Hubbell Gardner.

13. Colby. I attempted to coach you into being a normal boy. However, when you did it on your first date with that midget from the shoe store, I realized you didn’t really need my help.

14. Chad. I’d met you several times without noticing your gigantic and pointy nose. You can only really see it from the side. I didn’t notice it until that one time we all went to the movies.

15. Deanna. You were witness to the time I got out of my ex-husband’s car at a stop light because we were having a fight about Spider-Man and About a Boy. Thanks for being there.

16. Mark. You told really lame jokes that I didn’t laugh at. For awhile there you tried to get people to call me “Donut” because you thought I resembled a glazed one. It didn’t catch on.

17. Beth. You had a girlcrush on me in high school. You let me read your diary, about how I never paid attention to you. I think I probably should’ve been more weirded out about it.

18. Sue. You were Carrie’s mother, but after you got married she had to go live with Auntie because your husband was a tyrant. I can’t believe you turned out to be that kind of woman.

19. Rosa. You were Carrie’s other BFF, and I was pissed that y’all were going to get best friends t-shirts. You were the other BFF of a lot of my friends, but we weren’t really friends.

20. Jerry. You sat in front of me in Modern English Poetry and were a prototype of my favorite crush: small, horn-rimmed, Jewish, floppy dark hair. I wish I had gotten to know you better.

21. Janice. Your house was the filthiest I have ever seen. Your parents kept the Christmas tree up year round and never fully unloaded their grocery bags. It was so fun to go to your house.

22. Alison. I hated you on several levels, liked you on one or two, and pitied you on the rest. For a hot girl, you were crippingly insecure. I know why you hung out with me.

23. Mark. You were the second boy in a year to announce “I don’t love you” when we were only barely dating. Because I was drunk when you told me, I cried and called you names.

24. Beth. I’m sorry that two years after he told me he didn’t love me, I set you up with Mark, although to be fair, he did wear a tiny disco ball around his neck at your insistence.

25. Madonna. Our mothers were friends, at least until your mother completed her gradual transformation into a full-scale religious nutjob. (She was on her way when you were born.) The internet says you’re a dancer now.

26. Chris. Your girlfriend got mad that I wrote “Carmelita Gonzalez was here” in your notebook, and did not believe that Carmelita Gonzalez was a fake name I was fond of doodling. You married her anyway.

27. Dr. D. Not only are you often named one of the top endocrinologists in Dallas, you smell like a million bucks. I would let you feel up my nodule-laden goiter anytime. I really mean that.

28. Lisa? You were a student who tried hard, but were going to fail. After I urged you to drop my class and take basic English instead, you emailed me and said, “Thank you for being kind.”

29. Tripp. You were a student who tried hard at cheating on your final exam, and after I busted you TWICE you emailed me and said, “Just because I was cheating doesn’t mean I should fail.”

30. Jonathan. You saved me from many unpleasant things in St. Louis, one of which was a work life in a cube without someone to flirt and write plays with. That’s not the most important thing.

31. (12/1) Neil. You were my second crush, but my first real one. In typical fashion, it lasted for six years. Your sister’s name was Sally and I thought that meant something huge, even at age 5.

32. (12/2) Sylwia. Your gross American husband pinched me hard on St. Patrick’s Day, not seeing my green socks. Your face after he did so made me feel even more sorry for you than I already did.

33. (12/3) Jason. I can’t say I’m sorry I complained to my mother that you kept picking me up and throwing me on the couch, but I’m sorry that my stepfather called and threatened you.

34. (12/4) Hannah. You were considered sacred and holy because you were the only girl the much esteemed Jeff R. ever went out with at school. I saw you holding hands in the hall and was jealous.

35. (12/5) Rich. Your brain only lets you remember one thing about each acquaintance, which you then refer to when you see said acquaintance. Mine has to do with a giant bathtub at my grandparents’ house.

36. (12/6) Ed. Vicki thought it would be funny to set us up because you have hair like that Q-Tip Guy we knew, but we hit it off and became pen pals for years. Suck it, Vicki.

37. (12/7) Tracy. Thank you! I have used your senior picture to illustrate just how giant Giant Texas Hair can be. You’re smiling innocently underneath your spirographed bangs as if nothing is wrong, but Tracy: something is wrong.

38. (12/8) Heather. Thanks for telling on me when we were at Girl Scout camp and the latrines were full of daddy longlegs and so I peed in the woods. Then your mom made me clean the latrines.

39. (12/9) Rusty. All the Rustys I’ve ever known have had nouns for last names, as did you, hilariously. We went to Chili’s and to show off and prove you were old, you ordered a strawberry daiquiri.

40. (12/10) Melony. You were a really angry girl, and after I broke up with my boyfriend you aligned yourself with him and called me to tell me in exquisite detail about the various ways I sucked.

41. (12/11) Amy. I was jealous of the scar under your lip that had three perfect little Xs from your stitches. My under-lip scar from falling off the bed was bulging and made my bottom lip uneven.

42. Frank. You were the maintenance man at the building where I worked, and everybody loved you even though you had a history with crack. Later, you broke in and robbed the place. That ain’t cool.

43. Jim. You smelled worse than anyone I have ever smelled, ever. I can’t imagine that decomposing bodies smell much worse than you. We had a class together where we were the only two students. Horrifying.

44. Linda. You were (are?) a very fat lady who fell asleep in meetings. Somehow, it was kind of cute. You’d be there in your giant pink sweater set, dozing happily away. Your cheeks were pink, too.

45. Honky Cat. I don’t know your name, but I know that “Honky Cat” was your favorite song in the summer of 2000 because we shared a wall in our duplex and you played it ALL THE TIME.

46. Sean. On New Year’s Eve, that girl you’d been making out with stayed longer than anyone, then told you, “I want to take things slow.” Your response: “Are you shitting me?” I love that.

47. Craig. I tried to email flirt with you but you were having none of it. In response to a particularly well-crafted paragraph, you responded with “no prob” — and no punctuation. I knew it was over.

48. (12/18) Matt. My mother says that you should always go with your first instinct, and while you were a good dancer, my instinct was that you smelled funny. I’m sure you smell fine to other people.

49. Bonnie. You are strangely territorial about your job, and on more than one occasion have actually gotten in my face to confront me about why I’m working on a certain project. Sometimes I hate you.

50. Jeff R. Heidi had a crush on you, and with my spy skills, we were able to break into your locker and steal your Latin homework. You had put your name on your paper as Jeffus.

51. Seth. I never spoke five words to you growing up — even though you came to A.R. Davis Elementary School in 4th grade — but now, it turns out, you are a really nice guy.

52. Cathy. You didn’t know it, but you stole Thom from me and went to Celebrity Ball with him; I had to go with Jason P. However, “stole” indicates that he was aware of my presence.

53. Stephen. You used the crappy adjunct office at UAB like I did. After talking to you every Tuesday and Thursday for a few weeks, I suddenly understood that you were a virgin.

54. Katie. Speaking of virgins, you were one too. A very old virgin by today’s standards. You tried to make your boyfriend sleep with you, but he remained fully clothed on top of the covers.

55. Michelle. Once you were talking about how great it was to live in a brand-new apartment that no one had ever lived in before, and then my friend went into your bathroom and saw your filthy toilet.

56. Jack. My favorite gay student of all time! You came to every office hour, even when I was no longer your teacher. The last I heard, you were stripping in Birmingham. I hope you’re ok.

57. Jenny. A kindred spirit, you were in my last class I taught at Alabama. I thought for sure that you and that boy you sat next to were falling in love, but it turned out he had a girlfriend.

58. Tammy. I have no memories of you besides that one time we went to see The Last Dragon with Christi and Carrie, but for some reason I considered you one of my best friends.

59. Connie. You received a Nissan Sentra for your 16th birthday, complete with commercial-style Big Red Bow on top. You lived next door to me and I thought the same would happen to me.

60. Jesse. You are a disgusting, greasy auctioneer my mother knew. One day when I was 16, you came at me and kissed me full on the mouth. After that I stayed in the car.

61. Darlene. You were Jesse’s bleached-out wife, complete with heavy, heavy black liquid eyeliner, frosty blue eyeshadow that looked like it was applied wet, and a pained look on your face. I felt sorry for you.

62. Jody. My first boyfriend’s mother, you were a 4th grade teacher who had lost the ability to talk to grown ups without doing so in a sing-song voice. You also were fond of holiday sweaters.

63. John D. Once you farted in my car and said, “Sorry — hope I didn’t stain your seat.” This was 16 years ago and it still makes me shudder. I can’t imagine why you’d say that.

64. Lily. I was there when you came home from the hospital, looking like a red-faced monkey from all the screaming you were doing. However, you were the cutest red-faced monkey I’ve ever seen.

65. John B. Because you are a Serious Person, getting you to laugh so hard you have to put your head in your hands was always a personal goal of mine. I’ve seen it a couple times.

66. Anne R. We were at a luncheon and I asked if I could throw away your plate for you. You said NO! and then said you were going to take it home and use it again.

67. Ali. You probably weren’t 100% evil, but keeping track of the exact times I went to and came back from lunch, and then reporting this to our supervisor was not the way to my heart.

68. Rhonda. You were somehow considered cool by some bizarre 8th grade loophole, but the time our class went to the zoo, you were singing a Whitney Houston song and totally fell on your face.

69. Cheryl. I think you must’ve had tooth decay, but all I knew was, I did not want to play with you and your sister on the playground. You looked like Janice from the Muppets.

70. (1/9) Cory. You were my best neighborhood friend, and I appreciate the fact that you went along with me when I wanted to play Harriet the Spy, even though you thought it was boring.

71. Lloyd. I should’ve known that something was wrong with you when I was at a party at your house and I said, “What a cute armoir!” and you replied, “I hate the word cute.” Bastard.

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