12 Nov 2006
I am the type of person:
1. Who can eat alone in a restaurant as long as I have something to read.
2. Who would rather send you an email than talk to you in person.
3. Who used to eat an entire loaf of garlic bread for dinner on a regular basis.
4. Who can write backwards (mirror-image) as quickly as I can write forwards.
5. Who changes her pants after going to the movies because one time I saw on Oprah that movie seats have a disturbing amount of fecal matter on them.
6. Who can’t remember to be mean to the people I hate when I encounter them in public, and instead end up telling them they look pretty if they do, in fact, look pretty.
7. Who fears pickles.
8. Who google-stalks everyone I know, sort of know, used to know, and have vaguely heard of on a regular basis.
9. Who doesn’t wait until the last minute to do things, just the penultimate minute.
10. Who wants you to say OHMYGOD THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER!!!!! when I give you a gift.
11. Who, holy shit, wishes I’d been in Starkville for Halloween!
12. Who cannot successfully complete a sudoku puzzle, no matter the skill level.
13. Who will buy almost anything if it is 90% off. Case in point: today I bought packages of confetti shaped like people’s names. They were eleven cents each.
14. Who has read all of Shakespeare’s plays, but not one word Charles Dickens ever wrote.
15. Who thinks she can bake, but who really is not that hot at it.
16. Who can write with her feet.
17. Who, upon applying for a job at a Hallmark store once, wrote “can write with feet” under Other Skills.
18. Who, because I worked at a luggage store for two years (and, uh, not that Hallmark store), is extremely judgmental about people’s luggage. At the airport, I can size people up in the blink of an eye. I also notice people’s luggage on television — Erica Kane and Frazier, for instance, both have Hartmann. It’s walnut tweed. It has a lifetime warranty. It’s very nice.
19. Who as a small child had a crush on Bugs Bunny. He was so…clever.
20. Who has to fight the urge on an hourly basis to anthropomorphize everything around me.
21. Who cannot get in bed without taking a bath or shower first, even on the drunkest of drunk nights.
22. Who holds a grudge. FOREVER.
23. Who has a running conversation with a couple of friends about how, if we were forced to eat a turd, we’d want it prepared. (Mine: fried twice, with sauteed onions and cheese on top.)
24. Who gets very excited about office supplies of any kind.
25. Who cries at the end of every Harry Potter book.
26. Who kisses her cat with loud smacky sound effects.
27. Who needs to make it a priority to drink more water.
28. Who is the only white girl who gets invited to hang out with the black girls at work.
29. Who remembers the birthdays of people I used to know and not those of the people I currently know. Case in point: today is my 10th grade boyfriend’s birthday. And I remember it although I have not spoken to him in 15 years.
30. Who would love to read this type of list written by anyone, including Britney Spears and/or my 10th grade boyfriend and/or you.