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19 Aug 2005

Dear Wes from The Real World: Austin.

Written by sally @ 9:34 am — Section: sally

Dear Wes,

I have to hand it to you, man. You really — as the kids say — take the cake. Generally, when someone seems to hold themselves in ridiculously high esteem, I figure that they secretly hate themselves and must put on a brave face for the rest of the world. Not true in your case. Not true!

All season, so far, you have been talking about how much ass you’re going to score while on the show, about how many groupies you have. And yet, have there been any makeout scenes with you and these alleged legions of women who are dying for it from you? No.

Until this week’s episode. Oh, precious, precious episode.

The girl you like, Johanna, well, she doesn’t like you. She hasn’t done anything to imply that she does, besides being nice to you even though you are an idiot and have the absolute worst hair in the history of the world. However, in your pea-like, hilarious brain, you have convinced yourself that she is playing hard to get! And when she goes on a date with a nice boy, this starts the tiny, tiny wheels turning.

So, your miniscule brain thinks, hey Wes, if you have sex with some random girl, Johanna will be torn up inside! And so you go out and find some girl who is wearing a low-slung belt way too far slung, and you make out with her loudly and smackily at the bar, and there are close-ups of y’all grinding, and then you take her home and do it with her while all your roommates laugh and sneak peeks. You have scarred the house virgin for life by exposing your giant white ass in the air.

Meanwhile, hilarious dialogue ensues in another room:

Nehemiah: Do you think he wore a condom?
Lacey: I hope so. She was nasty.
Nehemiah: Oh, come on. For Wes, she was ok.
Lacey: What?
Nehemiah: Wes isn’t attractive.
Nehemiah: For Wes, she was pretty.

Afterwards, you parade about naked, which is amazing that you have that much confidence, while the girl you just did it with tries to find her shirt. She cannot find her shirt. You kick her out. Your roommates make fun of you. Guess who simulates the way you were doing it? Johanna. Is she torn up about it? No. She thinks you are an idiot.

Later, you interview that you think you have a chance with her, and that you know you can get her — and this, this is my favorite part — because you are smooth. You actually say that! Out loud! On television! You say, I am smooth!

Then you ask Johanna if she thinks less of you because you had sex. She says, uh, no, why would I? You still don’t get it, that she could fucking care less if you have sex or not! You still think you have wounded her! You are amazing!

I love television.

10 Responses to “Dear Wes from The Real World: Austin.

  1. The agent said:

    I’ve shamelessly started watching the Real World again, but didn’t catch last night’s episode.
    I go to the salon that Lacey works in. It’s cool, but not so much that I would dismiss them putting spit in my hair in place of styling gel (as she referred to in the first episode).
    I also know her boyfriend. He’s a dj at the campus station, as well.

  2. sally said:

    You know, after 16 seasons, they have the formula down pat, and it is such a delicious, drunken train wreck to watch.

    I think I missed that spit part! Her boyfriend seemed cool.

  3. gorjus said:

    Oh!! This sounds terrible and wonderful!

  4. Calla said:

    “Wes isn’t attractive.” Truer words ne’er were spoken.

  5. beth said:

    I’m so happy someone else watches this. It mesmermizes me.

  6. Jon Taylor said:

    Couldn’t have said it better myself. Real World every Tuesday never seizes to amaze me. Thanks to Tivo I never miss an episode and sometimes I think my life is worse off because of it.


  7. jp! said:

    i used to like this show. now its all an act. its not about the show its about people trying to ‘be’ that character to be on the show and do ‘wild and crazy shit’. this show is just prefabricated bs now.

  8. gorjus said:

    And that’s why it’s fun!!

  9. vendela said:

    yeah, i miss the days when girls like julie had plans to be famous dancers and took homeless people to church with them on easter sundays.

    can you imagine pedro battling aids in this season’s house? or in last season’s, with all those tweaked out rednecks?

    i do like how the producers have seemed to just say “fuck it. since none of the house members are bike messengers, students in area colleges and medical schools, we won’t even try to pretend the kids at home are watching this show for meaning over trash.” i do like how they kind of gave them a group job for a few seasons during the transition from “kids dealing with coming of age scenarios” to “kids gettin’ they freak wild on.”

  10. Natasha said:

    I really would like to talk to wes. I think he is really hot!