4 Apr 2017
Spike and I went to see The Boss Baby, and boy, was it awful. Let me count the ways. (Note: this post isn’t clever; it’s just a rant that I need to get out of my system and then I’ll delete it and we’ll all be happy again.)
1. Tim, a seven-year-old only child, has the full attention of his parents; when asked “do you want a baby brother?” he says nope.
2. When he’s asked this, the mom is visibly pregnant.
3. Soon after, a taxi arrives and a baby gets out wearing a suit.
4. This is his baby brother.
5. The parents seem to accept that he wears a suit, like babies have a choice or something.
6. The parents completely ignore Tim.
7. Like, to the point I almost cried.
8. Tim and the baby join forces to spy on the parents’ business; they work for a puppy company that is about to reveal its latest product.
9. Why is the Boss Baby so interested?
10. It seems that people love puppies more than babies, and Baby Corp can’t have this. Babies must dominate the love.
11. Boss Baby, if successful, will get a corner office and will disappear from Tim’s life altogether.
12. Boss Baby has some baby thug friends who work for him in the neighborhood. There are some black triplets, the only POC in the movie.
13. Through some hijinx, Tim and Boss Baby discover the new product is a puppy that stays a puppy forever.
14. Instead of just calling Baby Corp and saying “yo I figured it out, can I get some backup” the fate of all babies is on the shoulders of Tim and Boss Baby.
15. They succeed and Boss Baby goes away.
16. Some memory zappers erase the parents’ memory so they won’t be sad that THEIR BABY IS GONE. Tim declines the memory-erasure.
17. Tim then writes Boss Baby a letter that says “do you want to be my brother” and then Boss Baby comes back.
18. The mom is not pregnant this time but still gets a baby?
19. Everyone is happy.
20. Except me.
I’m fine with the whole “babies just arrive one day” thing but you can’t have the mom be pregnant and get a baby and then NOT pregnant and get a baby. Follow your own rules, stupid movie!
Someone also tell me what the justification is of having all white people in a movie made up of DRAWINGS. Can’t be casting troubles.
Instead of a cloud of smoke that erases Boss Baby’s presence, each human must be zapped personally. Did…anyone take this baby out anywhere? To grandma’s house? The grocery store? Did the parents not say “hey we’re having a baby” at work? I’m real fired up about this.
Also, if I were an only child with a baby sibling on the way I’d be terrified that my parents would never talk to me again.
I hate this movie.