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22 Mar 2017

Kid Rock Need Not Apply.

Written by sally @ 9:11 am — Section: sally

1. Today I’m wearing a dress that accentuates an area I do not want accentuated, but I sort of feel like I’m making too big a deal of it, so I wore the dress to prove to myself that I won’t die if an area is accentuated.

2. If you’re watching The Americans, you probably have the same dual sensation I do of GOD NOTHING EVER HAPPENS and I LOVE HOW THEY DRAW EVERYTHING OUT. The 20 seconds we saw last night of Martha peeping out from under her kerchief was totally worth every incredibly well-thought out, slow moment. Also, I am a big fan of breaking someone’s neck while “More Than This” plays. Next time I need to break a neck, I’ll cue it up for maximum effect.

3. I would say “I’m online dating” except that’s not an accurate description. I did join a site, but at this point there is LITERALLY ZERO CHANCE that I will meet a person there. It’s ok, though, as it’s more of a curiosity expedition/sociology experiment than an attempt to find a loving partner. So I’m on Bumble, which is one of those “look at up to six pictures of a person, read two sentences about them, then swipe yes or no.” Only if you both swipe yes do you make a match, and then the lady has to initiate contact. In theory, I liked this, as this would prevent “hey pretty lady” messages. The problems, though, are that I hardly like anyone, those people hardly ever like me, and these dudes don’t know how to have a conversation.

Here are some stats: I would say of probably 100 dudes available in the greater metro area, I have swiped yes on maybe 10 of them. Four also swiped yes on me. I messaged all of these with a question about either one of their photos or their two sentence description. Three of them answered the question but did not ask ME a question in return so I never responded because COME ON, PEOPLE. So it’s not even depressing because these people are not my people. They don’t come from the same planet.

I do have a rubric for what makes me swipe no:

a. is this person shirtless?
b. is this person holding an animal/waterfowl he has killed?
c. is this person too dumb to know this app draws photos from Facebook? because instead of looking at pictures of a guy I am just looking at this drunk blonde lady
d. is that…is that a picture of Kid Rock?
e. is the phrase “live, laugh, love” in the two-sentence description?

Anyway, so now I’ve decided that there needs to be a separate dating app for nerds. I would swipe yes for someone who listed his reading interests and advanced degrees. Weird facts about his obscure dissertation subject? YES. A picture of him posing with Neal deGrasse Tyson? YES. All flavors of nerds may apply, but preference is given to the hyperliterate. PS: Engineers are geeks, not nerds, and do not qualify for this position.

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