8 Jan 2013
Season 3 of Downton Abbey returned last Sunday. If you haven’t watched it yet, don’t read this!
1. Mary remains the prettiest and the worst. Matthew, give me your dead fiance’s dead father’s money NOW for my impossibly large house that no one else but me and maybe Carson cares about! Now I’m going to chastely kiss you, which I don’t understand because chaste kissing was, I thought, a product of old-timey moviemaking, not old-timey ACTUAL KISSING. Like, they didn’t invent tongues in 1965.
2. Sybil’s hair is awful. Tom is awful.
3. Clunky plot point: Oh ha ha ha, the Greys are coming! How fun! You remember the Greys, everyone, amirite? No? Well, they were merely created in order to slip Tom a mickey! Y’all, Thomas could’ve done that.
4. HIS MAJESTY HAS NO SHIRTS
5. Fingers crossed that Bates will get shivved next episode. Anna, you’re too good for him! And Anna, you are also too good for Earth. Are you REALLY telling me that you’ve seriously never doubted Bates’s innocence? Not once, while rinsing out Lady Edith’s impossibly complicated and antiquated underwear?
6. I sentence Matthew Crawley to life in prison, where he shall be cellmates with Bates, for the following crime:
7. Mrs. Hughes having cancer is not only a downer, but also boring. I care more about the following downstairs characters than Mrs. Hughes: Daisy, Mrs. Patmore, Carson, Thomas, O’Brien, McGillicuddy, Jamal, Pierre, Staci.
8. Shirley MacLaine is awful. Her hat is awful. She is no match for the Dowager Countess. It was silly to think she would be.
9. I’m glad Edith appears to be getting her man. He’s at least better than dying alone, or stealing that woman’s farmer husband.
10. And now, let’s discuss the wedding. From a practical standpoint, they put Mary in a dress, they had all that food in the kitchen, the village was decorated with bunting, for god’s sake they stuffed Tom into a morning coat against his will, they already have a church setting…so why didn’t we see the wedding? Mary walks down the aisle, and BAM. The end. Like, if it was a budget show, and they didn’t have enough funding to show the wedding, ok, maybe. But they had all the elements! Maybe they decided, “We COULD show the lavish wedding that is costing a million trillion dollars, but what the people REALLY want is more Bates with his lock of hair sweatily draped o’er his brow!”
There’s also this, which will sustain us until Edith’s wedding next week (oh, there better fucking be a wedding next week, Downton Abbey, you bastard).
PS: Hoping they introduce a Jewish character soon so the name of the show can be changed to Downton Rabbi.