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4 Mar 2011

Damaged Ham.

Written by sally @ 4:03 pm — Section: sally

1. I saw the same gross old man with dyed red hair at Kroger last weekend. Is he my secret grandpa? Does he want to leave me a million dollars when he dies? Should I befriend him?

2. Yesterday I spoke to a group about emporium services, and for maybe the first time ever, I had a perfect audience. They thought I was HILARIOUS. Every time I couldn’t think of the real word for something and instead called it a thingy or a thingamajob or a doodad or whimwham, and then said “oh, that’s a technical term,” there was audible laughter! I must point out that the average age of the group was 75.

There was one woman who caught my eye for several reasons. One, she had a walker, and it was squeaky. Two, she panted a lot. Three, she was wearing shorts and pantyhose knee-highs, PLUS SOCKS. Four, she had giant glasses like these, but not as cute. Five, she had severe, awful, horrible, no good dandruff coating her shoulders. Six, she had no teeth. Seven, she had a full moustache.

I loved her for obvious reasons, but then she had to go and ask a lot of dumb questions and ruin it. Do you have a book on this topic? I’m not sure. I’d have to check the catalog. Well, what about this topic? Or this one? HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? One mean lady told her to get her butt out of the elevator at one point, and I laughed.

3. I was getting some critical items at the Dollar General the other day — gummy bears, sympathy card — and noticed that everyone was all in a kerfluffle. Get this: a man had just attempted to shoplift a bunch of items by placing them in his pants. When confronted for walking funny, he simply pulled off his pants, stepped out of his shoes, and ran out the door.

“What all did he have in there?” I asked the cashier.
“Well, he had some packs of underwear and socks, and some frozen shrimp, and a ham–”
“A HAM?”
“Yeah, I didn’t even know we had ham,” she said.

Luckily for all ham-buying customers, the manager decided to declare those items “damaged” and not return them to the shelf since they had been in some man’s (underwearless) pants. His shoes were sitting in a Dollar General basket by the register when I checked out.

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