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10 Dec 2010

My Dummy Wrote Me a Letter.

Written by sally @ 10:18 am — Section: sally

A few weeks ago, someone called wanting information about a program I’m in charge of at work. She left several long messages, but never left her phone number. Then she called again when I was here.

It turns out that the person is the second dumbest person I have ever had the misfortune of talking to. (The absolute dumbest was a former employee who, when asked to make 50 paperclipped bundles out of a pile of paper, came back with 11 bundles. There is no point in telling you all the other stupid shit she did, as this bundle story says it all.)

Some samples of our ill-fated phone call:
Me: I can send it to you in an email or in the regular mail.
Dummy: The first one.
Me: Email?
Dummy: Yes.
(pause)
Me: What’s your email address?
Dummy: Oh, I don’t have one.
(pause)
Me: Ok, what is your home address?
Dummy: 548McAlisterStreetAlligator35888
Me: Could you repeat that?

Turns out Dummy never received the letter. All this week, she has left insanely long messages about how she never got the letter, but never left her phone number. My favorite was the one she left two nights ago, in which she talks for six minutes and just says words without knowing what they mean:

“You said you would send that but I never got it because remember you asked if I wanted it on email but I did not have email available to me at that time and so I said regular mail and you said you would send it but I never got it and so you can call me tonight but not too late because I might be in bed or otherwise occupied and yeah don’t call me too late because this day is out of order. You can call me tomorrow from 8-5, except I’ll be at work, but I will be home between 1-2 for lunch, but maybe I’ll be eating so maybe you shouldn’t call then–”

Delete.

Then yesterday, she called again. We had a very painful conversation wherein I learned she does not understand how mail works. I guess I kind of understand someone needing to ask whether she needs to put a stamp on a letter to make it get there, but I don’t understand someone asking, “Do I need to write the address on the outside of the envelop?” (That’s not a typo. It’s how she pronounced envelope.)

I am able 99% of the time to find dummies and all their dumbness entertaining in some way, but I like my dummies when they’re talking to other dummies and I just get to overhear them. Actual dummy interaction is quite painful. I was actively sweating for 15 minutes after I finally cut her off in the middle of her “What if I’m the only person who applies for this program? Do I win automatically?” scenario, which kept going after I said “You’re not the only person who’s applying. I’ve already gotten other entries” and her “oh, but what IF I was the only one?” response. She was still rambling on as I said, “Ok good luck I gotta go goodbye!” and hung up.

DUMMIES

3 Responses to “My Dummy Wrote Me a Letter.”

  1. poobou said:

    I.. um… Mississippi education system FTW?

  2. Elisabeth said:

    I would pay good money to read her entry. That is, if she managed to send it in…

  3. ap said:

    I always think (hope, wish, beg the universe) the dummy can’t really be that dumb. But most of the time they are, and it hurts.