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27 Aug 2009

Mommywood: A Thorough, Academic Review.

Written by sally @ 8:17 am — Section: sally

Yesterday I picked up Tori Spelling’s Mommywood at the public library. While public libraries have many valuable roles in a community, for me, letting me read terrible books that I don’t have to buy (and therefore, own) is at the top of the list. I didn’t read her other book, and I don’t know what I was expecting. But people, are you ready? Are you sitting down?

TORI SPELLING’S BOOK IS TERRIBLE.

I guess I thought because this was the follow-up, that meant the first one wasn’t so bad. Oh, how wrong I was. It’s not that it’s poorly written; it’s that it’s incredibly uninteresting. Don’t get me wrong, when she talks about how people say she has a horseface or when she rips into her mom, it’s kind of interesting — interesting like it’s interesting to read someone that you don’t like much’s Facebook status — but the rest is a blog entry. No: the rest is a Livejournal entry. From 1999. In this passage, Tori and family have gone on vacation:

There was room service. There were TVs. A full-sized pool. Beds. And a bomb shelter’s worth of supplies from Target. [Note: there was a whole paragraph detailing all the stuff she bought at Target on the last page.] The first few days flew by. I had an okay massage. We rented bikes — Dean’s had a little seat for Liam up front — and rode around the resort while Patsy and Stella followed behind in a golf cart.

(The part that gets me the most, and which sounds the most like a blog where you hear what people eat for lunch, is “I had an okay massage.”)

People, this is not exposition. This detailed account of how she spent her days on vacation is not intended to contrast the next passage, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, A MONSOON FLOODED THE HOTEL! or AND THEN I REALIZED I HAD FORGOTTEN OUR OTHER CHILD AT HOME or OH MY GOD ANYTHING INTERESTING AT ALL. The whole book is like this!

In related news, I read every word.

2 Responses to “Mommywood: A Thorough, Academic Review.”

  1. ap said:

    Sounds like Tori actually wrote this book herself. That or the ghost writer just transcribed her diaries.
    Dear Diary,
    Today I hired a ghost writer. I thought she would be pale and spooky. But she’s tan and pretty normal. She kept asking me about my voice. I told her it was fine. The medicine cleared up the laryngitis.

  2. sally said:

    I was shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, to learn there was a ghostwriter. I have become obsessed with the line “I had an okay massage.” I wouldn’t even let a freshman get away with that in a comp essay. If it was good, great! Tell us about it! If it was bad, great! Tell us about it! Otherwise, LEAVE IT OUT.