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20 Aug 2009

Attention!

Written by sally @ 8:31 pm — Section: sally

I HAVE SOME BORING THINGS TO DISCUSS!

First, let us get this one out of the way, as it’s the most boring: remember how a few months ago I was whining about my contacts? (I also whined about them a few years ago, and a few years before that.) I had tried 7 or 8 different brand of gas permeables (which I usually wear) and then tried soft lenses, but none of them worked. Within 5-10 minutes of having them in, a film would appear on the lenses. I kept going back to my opthalmologist — who, remember, is a medical doctor — and he had no idea what to do. He finally referred me to a contact specialist, who within 15 seconds of meeting me, flipped my eyelids and discovered that I have a form of conjunctivitis. Which was causing the film to appear. For FOUR MONTHS my stupid doctor never checked for this (apparently, according to Dr. Google) common problem. Ok! I’m done now. (Although I am still in glasses.)

Secondly, this week I presented the presentation with the presenter (I just wanted to type those all in a row) who changed my slides to the dreaded Comic Sans. Oh, girl. For awhile I refused to believe that the great Comic Sans Caper was the reason he seemed to hate my guts, as that is lame, but as it’s the only transgression I committed against him, it’s all I got. So during the presentation, he stood way ahead of me, thus not able to glance over and let me jump in. So I used a microphone. Ha ha! Take that, Comic Sans! He also didn’t laugh at any of my jokes. I can forgive that, though, as my jokes had to do with the following:
–Bell’s palsy
–spying on the salaries of corporate CEOs
–cat poop

They all made sense in context!

Thirdly, I keep finding myself defending Lady Gaga. Not Lady Gaga as an “artist”; Lady Gaga as a Spectacle of Pop Culture. I enjoy that she just arrived, fully formed, insane persona completely intact, with the Altoids of bad pop music (“curiously strong”) clutched in her hand. Or maybe clutched in her bare buttocks, as they are on display often. It is popular these days to be unaware of popular culture. Have you noticed this? Sometimes when my real worries start to bore me I begin to worry about the future of radio — how iPods insulate the world against the cruddy music of the world, but y’all: you need to listen to the cruddy music of the world, at least a little — you need to be annoyed by bad things; you need to know that Lady Gaga wants to ride your disco stick; and you need to be able to read the bullseye feature in Entertainment Weekly and not have to ask someone who all those people are. (Which reminds me of this article that my friend from kindergarten posted on his Facebook page a few weeks ago.)

Fourth, I am still reading Mary Roach’s Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, which is not the laugh-a-minute riot that Stiff was, but has inspired a few snorts here and there. Finally, finally, on page 183, came the footnote that made me (excuse the expression) laugh out loud. Roach has just mentioned the patent for a product called Men’s Underwear with Penile Envelope, which sends us to this footnote:

Close to but not quite the world’s most embarrassing underthing. First prize must go to the Deodorizing and Sound-Muffling Anal Pad. The patent’s background material details the sad decline of the human anal sphincter muscle, whose gripping capacity fades as we age. The absorbing layer is said to “trap the sound of a flatus,” as though one might later drive it to a less populated area and release it.
The Anal Pad should not be confused with a prior invention called the Anal Napkin, which, in turn, should not be confused with the dinner napkin.

MARY ROACH I WORSHIP AT YOUR ALTAR.

2 Responses to “Attention!”

  1. Christy said:

    Anal pad! Someone needs to have an intervention right now to keep me from googling that.

  2. sally said:

    It’s deodorizing AND sound-muffling.