7 Nov 2007
Last night I was digging around in the guest room closet trying to find something to wear to work today — clothes are becoming a problem for me — and I came across my dream journal. If you already know how boring it is to hear other people’s dreams, get ready for some fun! If you don’t know this already, read on.
When you have a big pile of dreams all in one place, it’s easy to spot recurring themes. Here are some of mine:
1. Living in a commune. I am often living in strange communal houses with no real doors on the bedrooms or bathrooms or a complicated way to get in the front door (usually a ladder). Usually there is a conflict, like in this dream from August 8, 1998:
I was going home — I lived in a house with a lot of people. One guy — kind of small with dark hair — was putting blueberries into baggies. He was wearing a black skull cap and rubber knee boots. I asked him obvious question like “Hey, is that your blueberry picking outfit?” (which apparently it was) and he starts bitching me out for it. I get my blueberries and climb the ladder to our house. Inside there are four other roommates. Skullcap boy is there. Everybody’s bitching at me and dude calls me a skank. I said Okay, tell me why I’m a skank. So he has four reasons. One, I’m a bitch. I say oh great, that makes sense. I’m a skank because I’m a bitch. Next, I’ve got a fat roommate. Third I can’t remember and fourth was “the rock star.” I said thanks and go to my room, where I promptly kick my fat roommate out and send her to the extra room where she belonged anyway. There’s another girl who apparently doesn’t hate me and she tries to talk to me. Somehow later the skullcap boy comes into my room and bitches me out some more.
2. Ladders. See #1.
3. Getting it on with celebrities. I will spare you the details, but here is a brief list of the celebrities that my subconscious deemed suitable partners:
Matt Damon (As Jason Bourne, complete with a bullet in his back — apparently he had a very soft behind, and I told him, “I don’t know who shot you, but they apparently buffed you first.”)
Dmitri from “All My Children” (circa 1992)
Eminem (during the on-getting, I was thinking “ew, I’m totally getting a disease right now”; sidenote: we lived in a commune together)
Lionel Richie (uh, I was 12 at the time — very traumatic)
Conan O’Brien (and then my grandfather walked in)
George Stephanopoulous (this was an almost-on-getting — I decided not to, and then his mom came in and held up a condom as if to say SEE WHAT YOU MISSED?)
4. Messed up time travel. Here’s one from February 2000:
I was at a Beach Boys concert in 1963, but all the good songs (God Only Knows, Wouldn’t It Be Nice, In My Room) were written after 1963, so I couldn’t request them.
And other from December 1996:
I called Raymond Carver. I called in in June 1988 and he died in August 1988. I was in 1996, though. We avoided the subject of his death. We talked about my bibliography project, graduate school, and guilt.
5. Being best friends with celebrities.
Phoebe from “Friends” and I wanted to use someone’s phone. We chose this duplex where someone we know used to live. We also have a headache so a fat lady gives us a ton of medicine. I take two Advil only to realize later that they were Advil laxatives.
January 24, 1996:
At a musical of some kind. My best friend, Madonna, is the star. Backstage, afterwards, this wonderful man is there. His name is Dr. B_____, first name David perhaps. He’s British. A squirrel has been squished and he runs off to save it. Madonna and I go into the bathroom, where there are 5 million people. I say to her, “Oh my god, this is your man. But if you don’t want him, I’ll take him.” She sends me out to the area where he is to tell him that she’s not interested. I go out there and there are two squirrels, which are actually Pomeranians. One looks pretty bad and the other is lifeless. Dr. B says something about the lifeless one being a goner. I talk to it, and it rolls over. Dr. B names the squirrel “Nirwa.”
6. Rampant weirdness.
May 14, 1997:
Greg (later gclark), Annie and someone else decided to kill people — namely their mothers. So since Annie was friends with some raccoons, somehow she and Greg (which was spelled Gregg in the newspapers, even though it was gclark) got raccoons to eat their moms. Someone else got their mom to go diving really deep and then abandon her. Big scandal. gclark was about to leave town and I said, Hey, I know you don’t want to talk, but how did you kill your mother again? He said he put something on her face and raccoon started eating it off. Gross. Also, if you ate cheese sticks in a certain way, it made you high.
Heidi’s kidnapping — some guy kidnapped her and she was living in the woods with him. The worst part was that she had to eat feathers out of a pillow for food. Then she found two large baggies full of money and was able to make her escape.
May 9, 2000:
I was passing through town and ran into L. Weird part: his penis was detachable so I was toting it around with me. Mom was right there and said “Isn’t that a penis?” I said yeah and tossed it into the hall.
1998: Mrs. Floon painted her toenails.
1989: Michelle Palm told me she uses dandruff shampoo.
1991: I go to the grocery store and buy an Elle magazine.