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15 Nov 2006

Snails in a Mother-Effing Can!

Written by sally @ 5:11 pm — Section: sally

Yesterday I discovered that in our pantry, not only did we have four cans of black beans (?), 87 packages of various pastas, and lots and lots of Kool-Aid, but we also had some good old-fashioned botulism. A can of 1,000-year old tomato paste had started oozing bubbly black plague-like stuff. Not good.

I ended up throwing a ton of old stuff away, stuff that I know Larry had before we met, such as some opened (opened! for almost three years!) whole wheat spaghetti, a can of snails (mmm, SNAILS in a CAN*), and a can of soup that Larry must’ve bought in college: its expiration date was December 98. Before I threw it away I had to ask to make sure it wasn’t a special can, like perhaps a former girlfriend said to him, “I love you more than Campbell’s Healthy Choice Herbed Potato Soup,” and then she wanted to break up with him, but instead of saying “I want to break up” she just put the can of soup in the trash can and hoped he got the hint, which he did, OH DID HE EVER, and then he threw the can of soup threw the windshield of her car, but he said no, it was just an old can of soup. I’m glad I asked, though.

*Original title of Snakes on a Plane.**
**I totally just typed “Snacks of a Plan.”

7 Responses to “Snails in a Mother-Effing Can!”

  1. larry ferrari said:

    I challenge anyone to find fresh FRENCH snails in Mississippi. Okay, I mean fresh prepared snails. Who has time to shell the little bastards?

    Scratch that, I challenge anyone to find fresh or canned “edible” snails in Mississippi and it is cheating to order them online.

    I think my grandmother gave me that soup…right before she died.

  2. gorjus said:

    JESUS, SALLY

  3. liz said:

    I was giving my mom grief about all the old things in her cabinet, when I came across a McCormick’s Spice ad in the paper that warned if you had any McCormick spices with a Baltimore address on it or if you had anything other than black pepper in a tin, they’re at least 13-years-old. AND THEN WE FOUND SOME! One of the spices was mace and we had a long discussion about what the hell is mace anyway and what would you use it in. Seriously: have you ever seen mace listed in a recipe?

  4. poobou said:

    And to think that I felt guilty about the produce bag I found in a drawer of our fridge, containing some foul black liquid substance that was no longer identifiable as any type of vegetable or fruit.

    Doesn’t soup have like a 10-year shelf life? And it expired in ’98?? Wow.

  5. sally said:

    I can’t wait to tell my mom the McCormick thing. Last time I made holiday cookies with her, she pulled out a container of red hots from a store that went out of business AT LEAST 20 years ago. Of course, we still used them, partially because of the novelty of putting 20-year-old candies on some cookies. Red hots, btw, become very chewy with time.

  6. vendela said:

    i like chewy red hots. when my mamaw died, all us cousins divvied up her spices. do they go bad? don’t tell me. i can’t throw out mamaw’s pumpkin spice. but i can bake it up in a pie for you and larry!

  7. sally said:

    I took all of my Mawmaw’s spices when she died, too. It’s kind of gross, but sort of sweet as well.