My friend Lorie lived three houses down from me while we were growing up. We were friends based mainly on proximity, although we did both watch All My Children religiously, which was a major bonding point.

I have two main stories about Lorie.

One:
There was a free party line for teenaged types in Dallas in the late eighties. Lorie and I would call it but never actually say anything, just listen to hear what was up and to try to identify some of the kids we knew from school who called it. Most of them had code names. So we’re listening one day and this guy says, hi, this is Kelly from Garland all sincere-like, and it is totally my ex-boyfriend who I dated for a month before he told me he loved me and I broke up with him. I was punching Lorie in the leg because I couldn’t believe our luck. It’s Kelly! And he is dumb enough not to make up a code name like Moses or George or something!

So we listen as Kelly gets into a fight with some redneck who threatens to kick his ass. I wish I knew where you lived because I’d totally kick your ass, the redneck says. Lorie put her hand over the phone and whispered, what street does Kelly live on? I didn’t cover the phone when I whispered back, Rockdale. And apparently both Kelly and the redneck heard me say that. Who said that? Kelly yelled. Who said that? We immediately hung up. Then we called Kelly at home, and when he answered, I whispered Rockdale and hung up.

I periodically called him, whispered Rockdale, and hung up over the next few years, including when we got back together the next school year. Thank god for the days of no caller ID.

Two:
Once it was a Friday night and we were sitting around playing with her Parker Brothers ouija board. I love that it said Parker Brothers on it! How mystical, how in touch with the world beyond! Anyway, Lorie asked it what her last name was going to be when she got married. The ouija board spelled out S-C-H-U-L-T-Z. Now, this probably not a funny last name to you. But to suburban preteen Texans? OH GOD IT WAS HILARIOUS. Lorie Schultz! Imagine! Hilarity!*

Lorie had a crush on some guy, so she asked the ouija what the guy was doing that night. The ouija spelled out G-O-I-N-G T-O B-R-O-O-K-L-Y-N. Brooklyn! Can you believe? Oh, the hysterics that ensued! I was a comic genius for making the ouija say that! We laughed over that one for awhile. Then she asked the ouija what he was going to be doing in Brooklyn. The ouija spelled out D-A-N-C-I-N-G. Dancing, you say, ouija? What kind of dance? The ouija spelled out T-H-E B-O-O-G-E-R M-U-S-H.

Basically, the bottom fell out of the hilarity bucket and both of us rolled around on the floor gasping for air and crying. The Booger Mush! A dance sensation in Brooklyn! LORIE SCHULTZ! Ouija, you slay me!

Speaking of hilarious, here is Lorie and her amazingly perfect, gigantic Texas hair:

I both admired and feared hair like this.

*I know this makes me sound anti-Semitic, but if you’d held a gun to my head and asked what sort of name Schultz was, I would have answered “um, funny?”