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18 Jul 2006

Suri Mystery Explained!

Written by sally @ 11:30 am — Section: sally

After reading the Us Weekly cover story about the fact that no one has seen Suri Cruise, I am prepared to theorize about Suri’s whereabouts. If I am correct, you may come to me with other mysteries to solve as well. If I am wrong, let’s just forget the whole thing.

My theory is that Suri has an unsightly birthmark, such as a heavily pigmented, hairy circle around one eye that makes her look like the Target dog, or a port wine stain that spells out “L. Ron” on her forehead. They are waiting until she is old enough to have plastic surgery to remove said unsightliness before showing her to the world.

Seriously. You heard it here first.

12 Responses to “Suri Mystery Explained!”

  1. Frenchie said:

    maybe…but isn’t that what Photoshop is for?

  2. poobou said:

    My mom’s theory about Suri: “I’ll bet she has a harelip.” Nice to see that the two of you are on the same page.

    If you’re right, I’m going to start calling you Miss Marple.

  3. sally said:

    That’s what photoshop is for if you’re me, but do you think Tom’s going to take a few snapshots, doctor them himself, and then send them out to Us Weekly? No. And otherwise, there’s too many people involved.

    Poobou, the cleft lip/palette is my second choice.

  4. vendela said:

    that’s exactly what i’ve been thinking. that she must have a cleft pallete they’re waiting to patch up.

    either that or roman and minnie castavet have already battened down the hatches that led from the linen closet in their apartment at the Dakota to TomKat’s apartment.

  5. mix said:

    I think the big mole and cleft palette combined might be a possibility. I’m curious, have you considered the possibility of her being half-girl/half-tomcat? Sorry. Just had to go there.

    I feel bad about conjecturing over Suri’s fate when I think about Katie–oh, sorry, Kate–and her horrible situation, being stuck with Crazy Cruise and all. I’m kindof dying to know what size her fat jeans are, though. Is that bad?

  6. Larry Ferrari said:

    I am going with a tail. She has a really long tail that they can’t conceal. Either that or she has a conjoined, underdeveloped twin attached to her neck.

  7. vendela said:

    i read that kate was out shopping for jeans three days before she “gave birth,” and that she bought a size two. maybe in anticipation of not having to wear that styrofoam pillow anymore???

    salon has a link to what is supposed to be a picture of katie’s belly with visible stretchmarks, but i say those are just special effects.

  8. sally said:

    She’s definitely wearing fat jeans in the picture in Us Weekly. And by “fat jeans” I mean “normal people jeans.” I predict she is wearing a 10.

  9. vendela said:

    that is awesome!!!!! do you think we’ve found our ass triplett?

  10. herman rarebell said:

    i think that it looks like that lizard baby from “V”. that’s some l. ron hubbard shit, for sure.

  11. Liz said:

    Excellent theory here. You should sell this shit to the tabloids.

  12. mix said:

    Size two pre-birth for post-birth jeans? Remind me not to ever give birth if I become super-super famous.

    And I agree that the stretch marks are special effects. If they can photoshop them out, then I have complete faith that they can photoshop them in.

    Oh Suri, please reveal yourself as the half-cat, birthmarked, Martian baby that we know you to be! The waiting is killing me.