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17 Jul 2006

I’m Pretty Sure None of These People Read My Website.

Written by sally @ 9:57 am — Section: sally

On Saturday I went to Starkville for a T.A. reunion. I know.

Sometimes you think about things, yeah, I don’t want to go to that, and then you think, well, what’s-her-face and so-and-so will be there and maybe xyz will, too, and Alec Eiffel said he’s thinking about going, and so it sounds like it might be sort of fun. And then you drive for two hours and it turns out not to be all that fun, but you hang in there, and then you spend the night at an empty sorority house and then the next morning get dressed early and sneak away and are back at home by 10:30 am.

The only really fun parts were these:

1. I talked to an old professor for a long time and basically filled him in on 10 years’ worth of English department gossip that he had never heard. You know when you have a juicy story, but you never get to shock anyone with it because everyone already knows? Oh, it was so sweet to tell some virgin ears about who slept with whom and when and why and then what happened later. (Sidenote to anyone who ever slept with anyone in Starkville and thinks it’s a secret: sorry.)

2. Speaking of, my friend almost got laid but screwed it up by talking about postcolonial theory too much. How much do I love this story? A lot. The boy who was almost my friend’s layer turned to me 45 minutes into the postcolonial theory discussion and whispered, hey, sober girl, will you drive me home? Then there was a discussion about how even though I wasn’t drunk, I was the fun one. People: when there are single drunk girls around, the married sober lady should not be the fun one! Although I enjoyed that part very much. Especially because it was said in front of my friend upon whom the boy almost lay.

I think the main problem is that my friend has zero flirting skills. She doesn’t even know how to make fun of boys! And that is the easiest flirtation method. Her technique was to flirt just enough to lure the boy to the empty sorority house where we were all staying, and then ignore him completely and talk about postcolonialism. Make a note, ladies: that doesn’t work.

7 Responses to “I’m Pretty Sure None of These People Read My Website.”

  1. RD said:

    This is hi-larious on so many levels. That you went. That I wish I knew who else was there. That English people can’t get laid. That I would have gone too, and had I been single, I still wouldn’t have laid atop anyone either. Damn you, postcolonialism! Fill me in privately if you have a free moment at work.

  2. vendela said:

    thanks for this run down on everything. i was sort of starting to get jealous when i realized y’all were gone to this. in that i-made-up-my-mind-not-to-go-but-now-everyone-is-there-and-something-good-is-probably-happening kind of way.

    like maybe people were putting old panties and rotten chinese buffet food in the mailboxes of houses where we all used to live, as if we all still lived in them. and then the new gooby grad students who have replaced us will find the panties/food and wonder what the hell.

  3. alec eiffel said:

    damn, i missed some gossip AND some postcolonial theory? it would have been just like when i lived in starkville last year. but i’m glad to be chipper and well rested on monday. would love to have seen old professor’s reactions to juicy stories. maybe next year.

  4. e said:

    Nice conjugation of the verb “lay.” Only an English Dept. TA (hah) could so professionally conjugate (ha) the word lay.

  5. gorjus said:

    “Hey, Sober Girl, Will You Drive Me Home” is a song my Dave Matthews cover band does. I mean, postcolonialism–it works like, over lunch. But not at night! EVERYONE knows that.

  6. sally said:

    Postcolonialism knocked out 95% of the English people there. People were falling asleep sitting up in chairs.

  7. xyz said:

    sweet jesus I’m glad I was out of town for “Post
    Colonial Chicks Gone Wild.” Maybe we should have our OWN reunion…oh, and btw, I think Woody’s firin’ up a 2006 shimp boil this summer “Shrimp Trek II: The Wrath of Prawn.”….more later…..see some of you guys sat in the capital city.