11 May 2006
America’s Next Top Chef Idol This Title Needs More Words.
In which I half-heartedly discuss this week’s Idol, Top Chef, and ANTM.
Is it a good idea or a really, really bad idea to make Idol contestants sing outdated Elvis songs? I have come to the conclusion that it is good in theory, but very, very bad in practice. There are some very nice Elvis songs out there — “His Latest Flame,” for example, is quite lovely, and also partially covered by the Smiths (at the beginning of “Rusholme Ruffians” on the Rank album) — but “Hound Dog” is not one of them, Katherine. But you’re still so, so pretty.
And yeah, I thought Taylor singing “In the Ghetto” was sort of good. If you turn away from the television and, say, stare at the wall, you can almost forget who’s singing. Taylor is really not all that terrible when he stands still. It’s all that awful running about with his legs bent (seriously, Tuesday night I diagnosed him with a case of polio) that makes me hate him and want to turn my back on the 205. Don’t doubt the power of the 205, people! They brought you Ruben back in the day!
Anyway. I was pretty surprised last night when they announced, first of all, that Baldy and Pretty were in the bottom two, and then when Baldy was given his booting papers and Pretty was totally shocked and Drunky put her face in her hands and was Obviously Disappointed. Baldy will be fine, at least as long as his particular brand of angst rock is popular, which will probably be a little while longer.
Speaking of American Idol, I have recently heard Carrie Underwood’s song “Jesus Take the Wheel.” It sounds like a fake country song on Saturday Night Live as performed by Amy Poehler. I’m all for bad country songs, but it’s not even funny-bad. Just bad-bad.
Ok, so Top Chef. After witnessing the train wreck of the past two seasons of Project Runway reunions — and seeing the explosive commercials — I almost didn’t watch last night. Then I decided, ok, I’ll watch a little bit of it, and then I ended up watching most of it. But only most of it, people! I have my standards.
Notes:
1. Tiffani should not wear her hair like that anymore.
2. Miguel still has Down Syndrome.
3. These people need to get laid.
At one point I left the room and then there was arguing, and I called out to Larry, who’s talking? He answered with this really awesome and informative reply: That one guy. Thanks, dude.
What all did I miss?
And not to leave out America’s Next Top Model, but y’all, I’m tiiiiiired. So I’m posting this Open Letter to Tyra Banks that Lucy sent me this morning:
Dear Tyra Banks:
If I have to hear you complain about Danielle’s accent one more time, I will scream. When you noticed that Joanie needed help with her teeth, you didn’t expect the teeth to magically heal themselves, did you? No, you sent her to a dentist. Why won’t you get Danielle a diction coach so she actually has a CHANCE of doing something about her accent? Haven’t you seen My Fair Lady? You can’t undo 20 years worth of a Southern accent all by yourself. If you send her home before Jade because of this bullshit, I will be so pissed I might boycott future “cycles” of the show.
Who am I kidding? I can’t pull myself away from this shit. But still, lay off the accent.
Love,
Me
Nordan out.
May 11th, 2006 at 14:26
This blog entry worth it for the title alone. In fact on principle I didn’t actually read the entry ;-( (fingers crossed behind back at this white lie). Still just seeing that concatenation of nouns and adjectives cracked me up big time
!!!!
May 11th, 2006 at 14:48
I’m fairly sure that by “that one guy”, Larry meant Irish-Ken, who was eliminated on the first ep, and was pretty much useless.
I learned these things in last night’s Top Chef reunion: 1) Miguel is apparently a gassy man, 2) Tiffani is apparently rather sensitive, 3) there is apparently a side to Stephen that includes semi-hip tshirts, jeans, and using the f-word (where was THAT guy all season?), 4) Harold is apparently not single, 5) Andrea apparently believes that she was eliminated twice b/c she is so fixated on “elimination”.
I was stunned by Idol last night, but as much as I love Chris, I didn’t want to hear him singing something like “Inside Your Heaven”.
But both Alias and Lost were v. good last night, too.
May 11th, 2006 at 14:52
Oh, bulb, I sort of wish your principle had prevented you from lowering yourself to my reality television level and commenting as well.
I told y’all that Stephan was fake! No one can be that calculatingly pretentious and awful all the time! Victory is mine!
May 11th, 2006 at 15:07
Why did Harold stumble on the question of whether or not he’s single?
I think he and Lea Ann are doing it.
May 11th, 2006 at 15:18
All I have to say is, Danielle is gone. The accent is going to get her. And, it’s not as if she’s trying to fix it, though (Joanie couldn’t fix her own teeth). She said she was, what, trying to concentrate when she talks? Uh, she might have to do more than that.
So, that leaves us with Jade (DIE JADE DIE) and Joanie. We all know Joanie can balance on an elephant, which trumps boat-balancing. And America would weep if Jade won. So . . . are those the only choices, again?
May 11th, 2006 at 15:37
I’ve been waiting for Chris to get the boot for a while. I knew it was coming last night. Kat is just too much fun to look at.
The TC reunion was kinda creepy. I didn’t realize that everyone on the show hates Tiffani so passionately, or that Migues was so ewwwww, not a southerner. The weirdest thing was Stephen’s complete let’s see if I can make myself over in one reunion episode cause it’s my last shot attitude. The t-shirt, the constant chugging from the bottle of wine that he only reluctantly shared with Lea Anne, then the well-rehearsed apology that asshole Ken called him out on for looking up at some camera and batting his eyes. I especially liked the “I’m really not an elitist you white trash piece of shit!” comment.
It’s still all right, I guess, to belittle white trash pieces of shit, even if they are Irish.
May 11th, 2006 at 16:12
I thought it was interesting that the TCs were all drunkies. I wish they’d shown more of that during the course of the series because being able to work with a bunch of weird food while you’ve got a raging red wine hangover is a skill all by itself.
The closest they came to that was when Harold was whining about his “curdled” stomach to which Jaysus yelled the TV, “It’s called party-butt, Harold. Just be a man and OWN it.”
May 11th, 2006 at 18:00
I didn’t realize that C.U. sings “Jesus Take the Wheel.” Now I hate it less than I originally did, but only because I am glad that she’s getting at least a little break from all of the Skecher’s ads. Yich.
May 11th, 2006 at 19:57
I can’t beleive of all the people to ever appear on reality tv that Stephen would be the one who looked at himself critically. Amazing.
Oh, and yeah, Jade needs to go lock herself in a vocabulary-improving box until everyone forgets she’s alive. That would be cool.
May 12th, 2006 at 09:44
I know it was two weeks ago, but I’m still sort of stuck on preposterous elephants.
May 12th, 2006 at 16:01
Are you talking about Jade, and how she said that elephants are descended from dinosaurs?
Sally and I tried to make that one work by saying that maybe she was thinking of mastodons. Which is about the most time anyone’s ever spent trying to put some spin on something Jade says.