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26 Apr 2006

Nuggets On Unrelated Topics! Vol. XVXII.

Written by sally @ 9:52 am — Section: sally

• Larry is out of a hard cast for his ankle injury and is now in an aircast. He looks like he got injured in space. I am glad that he is able to take it off to take a shower and all, but he has to sleep with it on. And why is that bad? Because after dragging it around all day, through public restrooms and greasy, diaper-filled parking lots and sidewalks spattered with redneck spit, he’s supposed to climb up into my bed with that damn thing. People: that is gross. Therefore, each night I take it into the bathroom and lovingly wash it.

Larry likes to spin it like I am the insane one, but I bet Martha Stewart would do the same thing. Except she would probably sew a custom cover for it in a delightful robin’s egg blue. Custom crafts for medical supplies? That’s where I draw the line.

• I was clearing out the tivo last night and finally watched the Tom Cruise-Diane Sawyer interview. (“Watched” = “fast-forwarded through most of.”) I hung in there until Diane asked him what Katie did that really annoyed him and he said Nothing! She doesn’t do anything! Unless you mean what she does that drives me crazy in a good way, because her smile drives me crazy! Doesn’t the phrase “her smile drives me crazy” just make you want to kill? No? It’s just me? It reeks of seventh-grader sincerity. If Larry ever dared to tell me that my smile drives him crazy, I would punch him in the face.

• Speaking of seventh-grader sincerity, I had this hilarious Delia Ephron book growing up called Teenage Romance, Or, How to Die of Embarrassment (illustrated by Edward Koren). It was full of fake advice about how to be a successful teenager, and unintentionally made me overly wary of all the stuff I was supposed to be awed by.

For instance: there is a section on going on a date, with instructions that the boy, when holding the girl’s hand, is to stroke her hand with his thumb. There is nothing worse than a thumb stroker, and people: we all know it. Fast forward to the first date of my life: Kelly B. and I are holding hands on his mother’s couch. He begins to thumb-stroke my wrist. My lip curls up in revulsion. I successfully dodge his kisses for the entire month we date. He is driven wild with desire, and gives me a note that says he loves me. I immediately break up with him.

I also credit the book with my rejection of intertwined-finger hand-holding and a preference for the more traditional whole-hand clasp. I think the book stressed that intertwined-finger hand-holding allows for maximum skin contact.

• Yesterday someone I work with said to me, You look different in a long skirt. Huh. Not exactly a compliment, is it? It’s like one of those non-fortunes in a cookie.

• Dear Gilmore Girls,

I love you more I ever hated the Doag Loaver.


11 Responses to “Nuggets On Unrelated Topics! Vol. XVXII.”

  1. gorjus said:

    My head is spinning with the various Sallyisms in this post. First off: just wrap a pillow around the spacecast! And secondly: you totally walk around in yr haus, and I bet Lulu has tracked in pee and Pete has likely killed an animal and yr feet are covered with foreign pee and dead animal.


    Hmm. The thumbstroke doesn’t horrify me, necessarily. I also commend you on examining a neglected form of interpersonal relationships: the hand-hold. The intertwine can be a very aggressive hand-hold: you aren’t getting away from that one. On the other hand, the whole-hand clasp can be sweatier.

  2. sally said:

    The redneck fireman once told me that he would be more hurt if he caught me holding hands with someone than he would be if he caught me kissing someone. It is sort of true: I have kissed a lot of boys that I have never, ever held hands with.

    Not that I’ve kissed a lot of boys.

  3. kedar said:

    Wait a minute, thumb stroking is no good? Man, I learn something useful everyday. What about kissing with your eyes open?

  4. Lucy said:

    One of my least favorite things is the nonfortune in fortune cookies.

    Also, sounds like Tom Cruise’s interview with Diane Sawyer just further solidified that his relationship with Katie is doomed. If they haven’t been together long enough for him to hate something she does, then it’s way too soon for Suri. Poor Katie Holmes. Kind of.

  5. larry ferrari said:

    Do you think Martha Stewart washed her ankle bracelet daily? How do you wash behind it? I bet it stunk from the last person who wore it. That fact alone makes me smile.

  6. mix said:

    Thumb stroking is worse than killing small animals. It should not be done. Sally, the thumb stroker in my life only made it to the two-week mark with me. However, I do not believe that “wild with desire” was how he felt about me. Damn. A couple of weeks after we broke up, he told me that he thought that I broke up with him because I was scared of committment (why can’t I ever remember how many m’s and t’s go into this word?). Seeing as how we were both 14, I think he was spot on.

    Also, did you secretly sneak into my house and steal the fan letters that I’ve been writing to the Gilmore Girls but not sending? Because I have carbon copies and other scary mailing paraphernalia (again, why do I keep using words with strange spellings that I’m unsure of?). I will be their number one fan. I will do it.

  7. mix said:

    Uh, sorry about that last paragraph. The WB has brainwashed me to be super-territorial/obsessed with all things Lorelai. I can’t help myself.

  8. sally said:

    I totally understand. I think about living in Stars Hollow way too much.

  9. vendela said:

    in defense of sally:

    washing a cast is an act of love more pure and humbling than any i can think of. have you not heard of jesus christ, larry? he was this guy who talked about love and also washed the dirty, mucky feet of a bunch of guys who walked around on unpaved streets in sandals to give them an example of this big love, larry. this is what your wife is doing for you. and you’re nuts if you don’t think martha peroxided the shite out of her bracelet. probably damaging more than one. “what, officer? you want me to walk around turkey hill, feed my chickens, fertilize my holleyhocks and gather my dendrobians in the same, by-then-filthy ankle bracelet i smoke my salmon in? would you expect the same of your own mother?”

    also, i once broke up with a guy i really liked just so i wouldn’t have to hold his hand in public at the mall. and that thumb-stroking stuff starts to hurt after a while, especially when the guy keeps stroking the same place on your knuckle over and over for minutes!

  10. sally said:

    Yeah, Larry, yeah!

  11. gorjus said:

    I am now slightly OCD regarding thumbstroking, and worry that I have done it. I hereby repent.