21 Feb 2006
A Horrid, Awful Thing.
I have been meaning to write a treatise on why the James Blunt song “You’re Beautiful” is a horrid, awful thing, and then I forget and I see the video or hear the song on the radio or see the incessant commercial on VH1 touting James Blunt and his “strangely angelic” voice as something I should revere instead of loathe, and then I get mad all over again and so here it is.
by Sally J. Nordan
1. The song is about a man who sees a pretty girl on the subway and apparently falls in love.
2. Falling in love without actually speaking to someone is lame and juvenile.
3. In the first verse, he says, “She was with another man. / But I won’t lose no sleep on that, / ‘Cause I’ve got a plan.” Ok, what’s the plan? Nothing. To write a fucking song about it.
4. He claims in the middle of the song that “I don’t think that I’ll see her again, / We shared a moment that will last till the end.” Ok, you know, this is the only remotely ok moment of the song. Have you ever seen someone and thought weirdly to yourself, I’ll never see that person again, huh. Not that I’ve ever written a song about it, but once I saw this cute boy at the mall in 1990, and either he was wearing a Depeche Mode t-shirt that said “Enjoy the Silence,” or else it was playing in the store (which has to be wrong, right?), and I thought he was pretty much the perfect-looking boy ever, and I thought to myself, Wow, he’s hot, huh, I’ll prolly never see him again. And when I hear “Enjoy the Silence,” which, ok, isn’t often, I think of him. So.
5. He repeats “you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful” 1 million times in the song, thus reinforcing that it was her beauty that is causing such anguish and strangely angelic sounds to emit from his person.
6. In the video, which I keep watching because I hate it so much, Mr. Blunt takes off all his clothes, lines up his shoes — the first time I saw this part, I thought, oh no he di’int just perform the international symbol for impending suicide! — and then commences to jumping off a bridge. I am officially getting old because this makes me incredibly angry.
7. So he sees a pretty girl, claims to have a plan when in fact he has none, says that he’s never going to be with her, says she’s pretty 1 million times, then kills himself. Awesome.
8. There is also the issue of the strangely angelic voice, which I am not going to pick on because it’s not like he can help it. But some people with similarly weepy, girly voices (say, this band or this band) use their powers for good instead of evil. (Ok, maybe that Keane song about seeing the branches of a tree looking at [me] is a bit much. But they ain’t killing theyselves over the tree, see?)
Treatise fin.
February 21st, 2006 at 6:16 pm
I’m just impressed that you were able to see ANY videos on VH-1, much less the same one more than once to the extent that you could write a treatise.
I heart Travis. They definitely use their girly-voiced powers for good.
February 21st, 2006 at 6:32 pm
They play videos in the morning, like from 7-10 or something. Try it! You too can write a treatise. There was a Destiny’s Child video I wanted to treatisize, but now I can’t remember the name of it. It had a line about how she wanted to brush his hair and bathe him and stuff. Gross.
February 21st, 2006 at 7:28 pm
I was going to say the same thing: I haven’t seen a video in ten years and I watch VH1 ALL THE TIME.
Oh, and he wrote that song about me, I think. Cause I ride the subway.
February 21st, 2006 at 10:42 pm
Such a great post. I actually heard this damn song before I started hearing about it all the time, courtesy of the 15 seconds per year I listen to WMSV, and the DJ was going on and on about how wonderful the song/singer is, and……well, blech.
February 21st, 2006 at 11:42 pm
lubly.
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:21 am
[I kinda like that other JB song - Goodbye My Lover. It makes me a little weepy. Don't tell nobody, k?]
February 22nd, 2006 at 2:32 am
I agree with Sally – JB should be wiped off the face of pop.
February 22nd, 2006 at 10:10 am
This is great, Sally! Except you keep referring to what he does as “singing,” when really it’s more like “bleating.” I h8 this guy.
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:35 pm
Be careful; the dude’s an ex-British soldier. He might hunt you down and then torture you by bleating!. Just think what we could have done to Noriega back in the day blasting Captain Blunty.
BTW, y’all do know JB is now officially part of Cockney Rhyming slang after having been labeled “James Cucking Funt” on a live Irish radio broadcast.
February 22nd, 2006 at 8:28 pm
Song stuck in my head ALL DAY.