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31 Oct 2005

Spooky Halloween Stories!

Written by sally @ 12:04 pm — Section: sally


Costumes, Ages 5-30.

Age 5: Clown. (Mother makes Wonder-bread esque polka-dotted clown costume.)
Age 6: Clown.
Age 7: Clown.
Age 8: Clown.
Age 9: Clown. (Mother makes new black and white polka-dotted clown costume to replace old clown costume.)
Age 10: Clown.
Age 11: Clown. (Went to 6th grade Band-Choir-Symphony Halloween party at school.)
Age 12: Clown.
Age 13: Clown. (Costume mother made was very floppy to ensure it could be worn for rest of life.)
Age 14: Mad scientist. (Piss off, clown!)
Age 15: Beatnik. (Black turtleneck, black beret, fake goatee, large gold medallion. Said “groovy” a lot. Vicki Nelson was my beatnik girlfriend.)
Age 16: Uh, clown. That’s right. Same freaking costume.
Age 17: Too cool for school, aka, no costume.
Age 18: Old lady. (Old lady mask bought at dime store, robe stuffed with pillows. I go trick and treating and become enraged when someone gives me a banana.)
Ages 19-23: No costume.
Age 24: Karen Carpenter.
Age 25: Jackie Kennedy.
Age 26: Brown-Eyed Susan. (Wore a yellow t-shirt that said SUSAN. Became enamoured with the anti-costume and a boy from Minnesota, with whom I made out by the keg.)
Age 27: Bloody Mary. (Not the person, but the beverage. Wore red t-shirt that said MARY and corsage made of celery. No keg makeouts.)
Age 28-29: No costume. (If I wore a costume, it was unmemorable or I was too drunk to remember what it was.)
Age 30: Jennifer Bitwood, my middle school bully. (Big curly wig, Motley Crue t-shirt, tight-rolled jeans, tennis shoes. Got drunk and wrestled some dogs in the yard.)

A Low Point on Halloween.

I’m 8 or 9 or so and have learned a great new Halloween song. Therefore, I call random phone numbers and sing to people. Everyone except one lady hangs up on me. She lets me sing the entire song, then says, that was very nice, dear, before she hangs up.
The song:
Trick or treat, trick or treat
Give me something good to eat
It’s Halloween again tonight.
You be a goblin and I’ll be a ghost
And we’ll go begging and see who gets the most.
Trick or treat, trick or treat
Give me something good to eat
It’s Halloween again, it’s Halloween again, it’s Halloween again tooooooniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

True Confession.

I never put the pieces together before this moment, but around the age of 14 or so I really, really wanted to become a clown. I even — gasp! — wrote away to get some, um, literature on the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Clown College. Thank god I have a way to explain it away now.

Another True Confession.

I have this skull pin with a wind-up, moving mouth (it looks like it says ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi). I stole it from a dime store when I was 17 or so. As penance, I make myself wear it on Halloween so I look like the sort of person who would wear a skull pin on Halloween in all seriousness. (My apologies to anyone who’s actually wearing a wind-up skull pin today unless you too are wearing yours as a bizarre apology to the universe.)

3 Responses to “Spooky Halloween Stories!

  1. corie said:

    dude, my aunt and uncle actually WENT to clown college. when they graduated they received red noses. you should look them up.

  2. poobou said:

    God, I love this. I’m guessing the lady you crank-called must’ve been a mother herself and recognized your desparate need for attention. That’s just awesome.

  3. sally said:

    I was looking for some good clown costume pictures this morning and was shocked to see that clown costume #1 was ALSO polka-dotted. My stepfather’s clown costume (!) was the plaid one. So my mother made me wear two different polka-dotted clown costumes for my whole life. How did my brother escape this torture? He had a wolfman mask he wore (with a trenchcoat) for 10 years.