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29 Aug 2005

Margaritas, Rednecks, and Sweaters: the Weekend Report.

Written by sally @ 8:52 am — Section: sally

Before the hurricane sweeps in, knocks down all the trees, and cuts off the electricity, here’s the weekend report.

Friday night we went to the magic Mexican restaurant with the creamy margaritas. Gorjus went with us, and while we waited for the rest of our party (Larry’s boss, Fred, his wife, Ethel, and a couple of their friends, Mia and Woody) we had a couple of beers in the bar. There was a table behind us with four drunk redneck asshole douchebags. One was worse than the others: he kept yelling things in a retarded voice, burping really loudly, and cracking up about both.

Get this: when you make a public nuisance of yourself, at the very least you deserve to get dirty looks from people. And so I kept turning around and giving him dirty looks, especially because I kept hearing what sounded like a string of colorful curse words pointed in our direction.

I tried to tell Gorjus and Larry that the drunk redneck asshole douchebag was talking to me, but they both morphed into my dad and told me I was overreacting and to stop looking at him. Then the drunk redneck asshole douchebag started ripping out his girlfriend’s fake-hair ponytail she was sporting, and she got up to go the bathroom to fix it (it was a Crystal Gayle-length blonde ponytail) when I turned to give the drunk redneck asshole douchebag the dirty look of all dirty looks he said, what’s your fucking problem? and pushed back from the table! As if he was going to kick my ass! MY ASS!

I flipped out and told Larry that I was not going to sit there while some drunk redneck asshole douchebag talked to me like that and I stomped out and sat in the foyer. What I missed: drunk redneck asshole douchebag requested a formal duel in the parking lot with Larry and Gorjus. Sadly, they declined, and then the rest of our party arrived.

When Fred, Ethel, Mia, and Woody came in the door, I was all riled up and the first words out of my mouth were some asshole douchebag just threatened to kick my ass!

Woody: What did you just say?
Sally: I SAID, there is a DOUCHEBAG in the BAR who wants to kick my ASS.
Woody: Oh, that’s awesome! That’s what I thought you said!

Woody endeared himself to me further by telling me how much he loved the word “douchebag” and that he used to know Art Garfunkel (their mothers taught school together).

Then we all got drunk, and then Larry and gorjus and I went to the Cherokee and drank more beer and played songs on the jukebox (Beast of Burden, Sunday Bloody Sunday, Don’t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight, Let’s Get It On, (Marie’s the Name) His Latest Flame, and uh, Sunday Bloody Sunday again; it’s not the best of jukeboxes, and I struggled with my second choices).

When we got home and I took off the cute little short-sleeved, chartreuse cashmere sweater I’d worn all day, I noticed that the back was all eaten up with holes! I had been wearing a holey sweater like a poor person all day! Seriously, there were eight holes in the back. I threw it on the floor in disgust.

The next day, after I partially recovered from the pain of my medula oblongata rotting (well, that’s what my headache felt like, anyway), I mustered the strength to dress Lulu in her brand-new cute little short-sleeved chartreuse cashmere sweater. She didn’t care about the holes:

It actually fits her rather well:

Oh yeah, and then this hurricane stuff happened, and my trip to Hattiesburg was cancelled (hooray!), and Larry and I bought some ice and food and candles and prepared for knocked down trees and no electricity for awhile.

14 Responses to “Margaritas, Rednecks, and Sweaters: the Weekend Report.”

  1. gorjus said:

    I think we’re going to Hal & Mal’s for a looong lunch! Come along!

    Woody and Mia were HILARIOUS, and of course Fred & Ethel were as well.

    I still swear to God that I didn’t realize the jerks behind us were talking to us until I heard something about the “old man.” That made me SURE they weren’t talking about us, until Larry pointed out that he was likely the target of that particular comment.

    Ah, c’est la vie: as I said that night, the proper response to such intellectual heavyweights is “See Ya at Hinds!”

  2. drunk redneck asshole douchebag said:

    ah burned dem holes wif my redneck laser vision

  3. beth said:

    So THAT’S what chartreuse looks like. I thought it was a shade of peach.

  4. larry ferrari said:

    Transformers are popping right and left here. Sally and I are safe at home. There were several trees down blocking the street on my way back to the house and the worse is yet to come.

    Stay safe!

  5. poobou said:

    I really like that sweater, and I totally can’t see the holes in the back.

  6. the diplomat said:

    lulu makes good sweater meat. I love me some hurricane.

  7. Liz said:

    Hope you’re doing alright in this weather! Lucy looks hott.

  8. Liz said:

    Hmm, Lucy is someone else’s dog. Sorry, Lulu!

  9. The Boy Davis said:

    Just taken a look at the devastation caused by Katrina – hope everyone is okay over there…

  10. corie said:

    We’ve been thinking about you– hope that you are safe.

  11. liz said:

    Us, too.

  12. J. Bubba Cots said:

    Anyone know what the situation in Jackson is? No word from the theohreallyians in a few days…

  13. Sally said:

    All the theohreallyians are safe! We’re hot (that’s different than hott) and out of the loop as far as news goes, but we’re ok.

    We had a big ass chunk of sycamore tree fall in our yard, but it didn’t hit the house. Pictures to come! (I’m at Larry’s office now.)

    Thanks for the well-wishes!

  14. randy said:

    Very good news. My peeps in Gulfport, Columbia, Hatt, jaxxon, and Columbus are all good.