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25 Aug 2005

So You Think You Can Watch This Show Even Though It’s Two Hours Long?

Written by sally @ 9:19 am — Section: sally

I didn’t want to do this, but the lack of quality (read: ridiculous) reality shows is forcing me into this. I am now going to tell you about last night’s episode of So You Think You Can Dance.

(By the way, I checked. There is no question mark at the end of the title of the show. It’s less of a question than a challenge.)

I’ll spare you the details of the entire two hour episode (Confidential to the Fox network: Have you heard of one-hour shows? No? Look into it) and just report the highlights.

The show is set up like this: dancers perform various styles of dance in pairs. The three worst couples, selected by the panel of judges, must dance alone for 45 seconds to strut their stuff, then America votes (or, America takes a shower and watches Lost and forgets to vote, whichever).

The first part of the show is a recap about the six worst dancers and how much they suck, and then we find out who gets booted off. However, it’s a Fox reality show, so there’s a commercial roughly every 27 seconds. One of these commercials was so lame and offensive that I was compelled to begin taking notes.

Apparently Ford is a major sponsor of the show. So, naturally, what they did was go to a Ford assembly plant and made the employees dance around with unassembled car parts to the song “Love Machine.” Was it a 30 second commercial? No. One minute? No. It was two long minutes. Two long minutes of my life that I will never get back.

The one good thing about the commercial was that it allowed me to imagine if, say, my workplace were the sponsor of SYTYCD. And to imagine if my coworkers were made to dance about with . . . [the things in my workplace].

One boy and one girl are eliminated each week. This time: tap dancing girl and stank hippie with made up name (“Jonnis”) who reminds me of all the hippies I went to college with, who came to class without shoes and reeking of patchouli and with those white people dredlocks that are all fuzzy and nasty looking. So, goodbye.

The weird part: all the girls were losing their shit over Jonnis leaving. Not just tv tears (a single tear drop falling down the cheek), but full-scale ugly cry faces and moaning and stuff. Dancers are much more tenderhearted than singers; for one thing, these are all professionals who have trained for years and years, not losers who woke up one day and decided to try out for a tv show.

But speaking of losers and tv tryouts, this Saturday at the Metrocenter, they’re having American Idol pre-auditions. Apparently real auditions are in Memphis in a few weeks, and the top four from here will get to ride in a limo (“Ooh, look, someone has $80.” — David Spade) to Memphis for the real auditions. But get this: your ride and hotel are only paid for if you advance in Memphis. I think that is hysterical.

So, open auditions are from 10-4, but at 6:00 the finals will take place. And do you know who will be there, watching the finals? Me. Because it is going to be hi-fucking-larious. 6:00, babies! I’ll meet you there!

So anyway, back to the show. People danced. It was enjoyable. The lowest three couples were chosen, and the 6 performers who had to dance their way into America’s hearts stepped up to do their respective things. A recap:

• Snow, the Russian dancing version of Christina Aguilera, sort of cheated. It was supposed to be a solo, but she wore her magic swishy skirt, which she used as a prop, and basically ran around, gyrated, and swished her skirt around. Larry said she looked dehydrated and that someone needed to water her.
• Jamile did an impressive breakdance thing.
• Melody, who is adorable and also three feet tall, appealed to people who love strippers by taking off her shirt during her dance. I was going to vote for her, but I forgot.
• Craig is too damn gay for this competition. Look: preteen girls (and, um, me) watch this show. Do not gyrate shirtless! Your homosexual energy is confusing.
• Michelle wore the worst outfit of all time: crocheted newsboy cap, pink bikini top, and baggy camo shorts. She stunk.
• Nick is the cutest gay boy in the history of the world, but he is the sort of gay boy who is ambiguously gay, and therefore the screams from the teenaged girls in the audience during his dance were deafening. He went for the open shirt instead of no-shirt. Wise choice, my man. Wise choice.

The people to root for, in case this too-long post has convinced you to tune in next week, are:


Allan, the chubby hip-hop dancer


Nick, the cutest gay boy in the world


and Ryan, the cutest multi-ethnic, non-professionally trained dancer who can dance on his damn elbows.

7 Responses to “So You Think You Can Watch This Show Even Though It’s Two Hours Long?”

  1. Snejana said:

    Sally, why accuse do you me of the cheat? I am not of the cheat kind. Your Larry is of the right mind. I am wondrous and delicate flowers, craving only the splash of cooling liquid upon my petals.

  2. gorjus said:

    Yeah, local American Idol!! One of the judges is a columnist for the Jackson Free Press, and was telling me about it last night at the Don’s. The general consensus: this will be a terrifying laff riot.

  3. biz said:

    I got excited when I found out American Idol would be in Memphis, not because I wanted to try out (I’m too old and I can’t sing) but because I wanted to watch.

    I had to work the reference desk last night; thanks for the dance show recap. I like the Chubby Hiphopper and the multi-ethnic break-dancer.

  4. pinky said:

    okay, whereas i do not like Snow, she did a great job with the quick-step last night. and I couldn’t be happier that Jonnis is gone!!! all agrees from me about Nick (he is waaaay cute) and I adore Ryan. Did you see him do the mamba last week? holy shit!! that kid can dance.

    As far as the “dance-off”, i liked Jamile the best. That was just cool to watch and he worked it great. Craig, well he just gets on my nerves. Although I do like Allan, I think he’s good if we were having a dance competition. I just don’t think that he has the stellar quality that they are looking for.

  5. Mr. Mooch said:

    what the hell do you win on this? your chance to be a professional poor person, i mean dancer?

  6. jonathan tannis said:

    its funny how people see you for one second and they think they know you. i am glad i am worth talking about, but seriously, do you have to despise me that much from all of the 2 episodes i was on? your really a disease if you spread hate that fast from the little bit of t.v. contact. i hope you enjoyed your comments and i look forward to the day when we meet, then we’ll see how many true/spiteful things you have to say. peace love, and may real name for all you haters, jonathan tannis

  7. sally said:

    Wow, Jonnis, if that’s really you, and these are the meanest things anyone’s ever said about you (that you’re a hippie who looks like he smells like patchouli? that we were happy you got booted off a reality show?), your life must be so awesome.

    Go enjoy it and stop Googling yourself! Peace out!