30 Jan 2013

Downton Crabby (Season 3, Episode 4).

Written by sally @ 1:00 pm — Section: sally

Ckuuuchuuupp. Downton Abbey. (That first word is the sound of my discontent.)

Since last I wrote/vented, we’ve seen several things happen on Downton Abbey: notably, we saw Edith’s wedding not happen (Downton Abbey: Don’t Ever Expect to Actually See a Wedding, ‘Cause It’s Never Going to Happen [Sybil Mary Edith]), which, I don’t know, I’ve pretty much forgiven Edith for her understandably terrible sisterly behavior in Season 1. Mary has come out on top, has married the heir, has kept her dumb giant mansion castle thing, is the prettiest, etc etc. Is Edith’s perpetual bad luck payback for past misdeeds? Or does Edith not deserve to be happy because she is — not cute? First: she was given an old dude with a dead arm. But oh! That was not enough. Have him be super influenced by the family over and over again! And then not cancel the damn thing the night before, the morning of, or ten minutes before Edith walks down the aisle. Instead, humiliate her. I just think it’s rude, and dumbly predictable. Edith’s motivations for her misdeeds were understandable, whereas someone like O’Brien, who is just an asshole all the time for no good reason, is never punished.

Speaking of punishing, the death of the only nice human being who lives upstairs. Again, how RUDE. Why not kill Edith off in such a way? She could’ve finally married, been knocked up by Old Dead Arm, then DIED. Killing off the nice one who loves her husband and has shunned her dumb giant mansion castle thing-loving family is RUDE. Also rude: how terrible her hair has been, and how extra-awful it looked while she was laboring. Was that a grease wig she was wearing? RIP GREASE WIG.

While I’m on my rant, why are we supposed to care about Ethel the prostitute house maid again? I almost cared when the plot was ORIGINALLY INTRODUCED; reintroducing a not-beloved character feels weird. Is it sloppy? Is it planned? Will Downton become a house of ill-repute (fingers crossed)?

Speaking of Downton/doing it, Mary is totally using some early 20th century birth control method on the sly. That scene where Matthew’s all “Doctor, it’s about my weiner. Is there a chonce it’s defective?” was awesome. I do have to wonder why a man in the 1920s would ask an obstetrician about his weiner but I guess it makes a kind of sense if you don’t think about it too much.

I can’t even bring myself to rant about the neverending Bates storyline.

I have, like, 17 other things to complain about (why the handling of the estate is such a touchy topic — Matthew isn’t proposing burning the whole thing down; Daisy turning mean; everything Lord Grantham touches turns to barf, and yet he still thinks he’s right all the time) but instead, let us just think about the new footman. And also how O’Brien’s Bangs have a Twitter feed.

8 Jan 2013

Bates is Great and Other Lies.

Written by sally @ 3:16 pm — Section: sally

Season 3 of Downton Abbey returned last Sunday. If you haven’t watched it yet, don’t read this!

1. Mary remains the prettiest and the worst. Matthew, give me your dead fiance’s dead father’s money NOW for my impossibly large house that no one else but me and maybe Carson cares about! Now I’m going to chastely kiss you, which I don’t understand because chaste kissing was, I thought, a product of old-timey moviemaking, not old-timey ACTUAL KISSING. Like, they didn’t invent tongues in 1965.

2. Sybil’s hair is awful. Tom is awful.

3. Clunky plot point: Oh ha ha ha, the Greys are coming! How fun! You remember the Greys, everyone, amirite? No? Well, they were merely created in order to slip Tom a mickey! Y’all, Thomas could’ve done that.

4. HIS MAJESTY HAS NO SHIRTS

5. Fingers crossed that Bates will get shivved next episode. Anna, you’re too good for him! And Anna, you are also too good for Earth. Are you REALLY telling me that you’ve seriously never doubted Bates’s innocence? Not once, while rinsing out Lady Edith’s impossibly complicated and antiquated underwear?

6. I sentence Matthew Crawley to life in prison, where he shall be cellmates with Bates, for the following crime:
Being Dull

7. Mrs. Hughes having cancer is not only a downer, but also boring. I care more about the following downstairs characters than Mrs. Hughes: Daisy, Mrs. Patmore, Carson, Thomas, O’Brien, McGillicuddy, Jamal, Pierre, Staci.

8. Shirley MacLaine is awful. Her hat is awful. She is no match for the Dowager Countess. It was silly to think she would be.

9. I’m glad Edith appears to be getting her man. He’s at least better than dying alone, or stealing that woman’s farmer husband.

10. And now, let’s discuss the wedding. From a practical standpoint, they put Mary in a dress, they had all that food in the kitchen, the village was decorated with bunting, for god’s sake they stuffed Tom into a morning coat against his will, they already have a church setting…so why didn’t we see the wedding? Mary walks down the aisle, and BAM. The end. Like, if it was a budget show, and they didn’t have enough funding to show the wedding, ok, maybe. But they had all the elements! Maybe they decided, “We COULD show the lavish wedding that is costing a million trillion dollars, but what the people REALLY want is more Bates with his lock of hair sweatily draped o’er his brow!”

There’s also this, which will sustain us until Edith’s wedding next week (oh, there better fucking be a wedding next week, Downton Abbey, you bastard).

PS: Hoping they introduce a Jewish character soon so the name of the show can be changed to Downton Rabbi.