28 Jun 2012

Hey Another List Awesome.

Written by sally @ 7:58 am — Section: sally

1. Y’all! The girl on Facebook who refers to her unborn child by name, causing people to think she is talking about a dog, HAS CHANGED THE NAME OF THE UNBORN CHILD, thus causing even more confusion. If I were the type to type SMH I would.

2. I got my hair cut yesterday and it is a tiiiiny bit too short. However, when you have super short, too-short hair, you just wait a week and then it’s ok. I am overcompensating for the mega short hair by wearing large earrings and a pink skirt today. Dear Everyone: Just wanted to make sure you knew I was a girl!

3. Just noticed there is some kind of fresh ink/grease on my pink skirt.

4. The other night I read the most delightful book: Daddy-Long-Legs by Jean Webster. The only thing wrong with it was that I didn’t originally read it when I was 13. I would have liberally stolen my personality from it and not, say, The Real Me by Betty Miles (I think I’ve mentioned this before; I reread this book a few years ago and was shocked how much of it I have chosen to incorporate into my brain). In Daddy-Long-Legs, an 18-year-old orphan finds out that one of the trustees from her orphanage wants to send her to college. What he asks for in return is one letter a month from her, updating him on her studies. She doesn’t know his name, but sees him leaving the orphanage one day and the shadows make his legs look like a spider’s. Hence the name. So she starts to write to him, then writes to him more often because she has no one else to tell things to anyway. She has two roommates, and one of them is horrible, and then the horrible one’s uncle comes to visit and Judy (our heroine) starts to like him. It is so enjoyable. And was published in 1912! It feels very contemporary. Judy’s use of ALL CAPS FOR EMPHASIS is especially contemporary. The only thing I don’t like is the title and the title’s hyphens.

5. I just started The Art of Fielding, and I’m trusting everyone who assured me that there is not too much baseball in it. So far it’s pretty basebally.

6. I didn’t realize it was a contest, but bizaleth wins the contest for the best comment in regards to the divorce post. It was this: “Well, shit.” Well said, biz!

21 Jun 2012

C’est la Liste.

Written by sally @ 7:54 pm — Section: sally

1. I think it’s perfectly practical to settle on a baby name before your baby arrives, but referring to said baby by name for the entire pregnancy, especially on Facebook, is creepy. And can lead to moments like the one I just read about:

Pregnant girl’s status update:
Max sure is hungry today! Gonna give him some ice cream!

Comment received on status:
Girl i thought u got rid of that dog when u moved

In related news, I can’t stop thinking about the dog she got rid of when she moved.

2. If you like gross things living on/happening to British people’s bodies, you should probably watch “Embarrassing Bodies” on Discovery Health. I have seen two glorious episodes, which featured such problems as an excessively hairy ass, an anus abscess born of an unfortunate condition and exacerbated by an excessively hairy ass, a uniboob, some psoriasis toenails that look like wood/nightmares, and some weirdos who are all “um hi yes can you help me I’ve been living with this fucking disgusting thing for 10 years and never thought to see a doctor until this large bus with EMBARRASSING BODIES on the side rolled into my village so I was all ‘huh maybe the fact that I can’t sit on my bum without crying should be addressed in front of tv cameras.'” If that isn’t an endorsement, I don’t know what is.

3. I just started David Grann’s The Devil and Sherlock Holmes: Tales of Murder, Madness, and Obsession.

4. Bless his little bones, but Spike wanted to make my lunch the other morning. This is the Charlie Brown Christmas tree of sandwiches he came up with:

5. Thanks for your emails/chats/comments, internet! You are the best and I love you.

17 Jun 2012

Long Term.

Written by sally @ 9:27 pm — Section: sally

“Unlike the other senses, smell needs no interpreter. The effect is immediate and undiluted by language, thought, or translation. A smell can be overwhelmingly nostalgic because it triggers powerful images and emotions before we have time to edit them. What you see and hear may quickly fade into the compost heap of short-term memory, but, as Edwin T. Morris points out in Fragrance, ‘there is almost no short-term memory with odors.’ It’s all long term.”

–from the fantastic A Natural History of the Senses by Diane Ackerman (if you read nothing else, read the chapter on smell)

15 Jun 2012

Weekend To-Do List.

Written by sally @ 8:16 pm — Section: sally

1. Read something. Maybe The Family Fang, which has been languishing, neglected, for months. Or maybe Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, which I started reading a few weeks ago and has been propped open with a box of Kleenex and the remote control on pages 16-17.

2. Clean out guest room closet. From where I type this, I can see some contents oozing out of the bottom. Two of the oozing items include a pink Belle suitcase and a lamp. Y’all, lamps shouldn’t ooze.

3. Buy birthday gifts for the 900 children Spike is friends with who have birthdays coming up. It’s understood that when I say “buy birthday gifts” I mean “consult child gift area, which is a giant bag leftover from Christmas into which I placed after-Christmas-sales-acquired generic gifts, such as Play-Doh sets and tubs o’ dinosaurs, for appropriate items.”

4. Write my grandmother a letter for the second time in a ten-year period that says I’m getting a divorce.

5. Tell the internet in an indirect way that I’m getting a divorce.

10 Jun 2012

A Relationship as Explained via Simon and Garfunkel Songs.

Written by sally @ 7:32 am — Section: sally

1. For Emily, Whenever I May Find Her
2. April Come She Will
3. Song for the Asking
4. America
5. The Dangling Conversation
6. Fakin’ It
7. Overs
8. So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright

4 Jun 2012

Oh, Yay, a List.

Written by sally @ 3:06 pm — Section: sally

1. I haven’t been able to read much lately — not because I’m super busy having loads of fun; the opposite, actually: I’m super busy having loads of unfun — but this weekend I read John Jeremiah Sullivan’s Pulphead, a collection of fantastic essays. There’s a great one about The Real World, where he hangs out with Mike (The Miz!), Coral, and Melissa (New Orleans Melissa), but the best is one about Michael Jackson. It’s possible to read it and remember how awesome Michael Jackson was without immediately cancelling out the awesome thought with the child molesty thoughts. (It’s called “Michael.”)

2. I also haven’t really been watching tv, although I have discovered a show that blends the best elements of HGTV, House Hunters + any remodel/redecoration show. It’s called Love It or List It, in which asshole homeowners who have been living in a state of half-completed renovation projects get the opportunity to tell a British lady “here is all the stuff you gotta do for us” and she has to do it all. Meanwhile, a shifty real estate agent is trying to find them a different house to buy where everything is already done and all they have to do is move in. WHO WILL WIN? It’s actually about half and half, and everyone acts horrible and whiny. The homeowners are all miffed that the British lady can’t get six months’ worth of work done in a weekend and the British lady is miffed with the real estate guy for showing them awesome houses. The homeowners are by and far the best/worst part. Bonus: a lot of times the husbands are also contractors so they are also bossy/think they know everything about home repair.

3. A friend recently texted me that she had eaten three-quarters of a pizza and was that bad. I responded, digging deep into my food history, that I once ate two Big Macs out of spite. (Look, I didn’t want my stepfather to eat the other one! They were $.99 and we’d bought a bunch.)

4. Planning an event a year ago, I just wanted to offer fruit, cheese, and crackers, but a lady who knows better wanted these little roll-up sandwich thingies. She won because she said this: “This way, we’ll give ’em a little taste of meat.” I could not argue. I also could not get the phrase “taste of meat” out of my head, especially the way she said it, her tongue crisply clicking against the back of her teeth on the final t.

5. I can’t top “give ’em a little taste of meat.”

Fin