31 May 2012

Are You a Weirdo? Take This Quiz and Find Out!

Written by sally @ 8:41 am — Section: sally

1. You and a gentleman you don’t know both have to pee. You each go into the restrooms of your respective genders. You are done first. When you hear him behind you, you turn around and say:

a) Nothing
b) “I beat you!”

2. You are in an incredibly boring meeting. It is all women and one man. What do you do?

a) Pay attention to the meeting; work is important.
b) Doodle your name on your paper.
c) Try to figure out the man’s sexual orientation.

3. In the meeting, the light directly over your head turns off. What do you say?

a) Nothing; I’m paying attention to the meeting because work is important, remember?
b) Nothing, but I make a face and laugh a little.
c) “Oh, damn. I just lost an idea.”

4. During the meeting, when you say something you didn’t think was weird at all, what does your supervisor do?

a) Nothing; she agrees that it wasn’t weird.
b) Nothing, but she cringes a little.
c) Shakes her head and mouths, “Don’t say that” at you.

5. Did you discover that your high school yearbooks are included in a genealogical database and have you printed out a picture of that guy you had a crush on for 20 years when he was dressed in his cheerleader uniform and taped it to the wall of your office?

a) No.
b) Yes.

30 May 2012

Layers of Terror.

Written by sally @ 3:40 pm — Section: sally

10. Rosemary’s Baby-esque betrayal
9. drowning
8. drowning in a vat of mayo
7. frogs
6. bats
5. roaches
4. seeing unkempt feet
3. pickles
2. barfing
1. murder

20 May 2012

Inflation.

Written by sally @ 7:16 pm — Section: sally

Lady 1: So wait, HOW many last names have you had?
Lady 2: Lemmee count…six, I guess. Yeah, back in the day, it only cost two-fifty to get a divorce. Nowadays it’s up to five, six hundred.

Fin

(Story reported by a field agent in New Orleans for a wedding)

19 May 2012

The Chic Fox.

Written by sally @ 6:46 am — Section: sally

I have survived a week of exciting workplace training! Technically, it wasn’t really workplace training, more “generalized hey you supervise people” training, and thus, there were many non-research emporiumists there. This is usually the kind of situation that brings on the hives, but I was sort of distracted by getting myself packed for the week and Spike packed for the week that I didn’t have time to get all torqued up about it. See, I supervised the situation by ignoring it! That is what I plan to do with my staff when their behavior threatens to give me hives.

As always, put me in the room with 50 other people for a week, and I will write down all the weird stuff they say. This group did not disappoint. (To be honest, they didn’t disappoint in any way. I had a good time, made some pals, thought some people were weirdos, and all was well.)

–In an exercise, we had to choose which animal we identify with — St. Bernard, fox, or lion — then list the qualities of those animals. I was in the fox group, and after the group listed craftiness, cunning, they love chicken (that was my answer), etc, this girl said, “They’re chic.”

–A lady in her 60s appeared to have a nosering. It kind of suited her, as she was talkative and quirky and reminded me of a stock character in one of those chick lit books where the main plot is that everyone likes Jane Austen. I noticed it, but didn’t say anything. Later in the week, I heard someone ask her about the nosering. She then explained, “It’s not a nosering! It’s a…what do you call it? Oh, it’s a mole. Or maybe, I don’t know, it’s a wart.” Girl, you got something on your nose! You should be able to identify what it is. Jane Austen would.

–A lady who I THOUGHT was in her 50s but is, in fact, MY AGE wore a shirt with a fake vest attached to the front and a Pat Benetar purse. She was super nice and had a great laugh. She also had the most ineffective bra I have ever seen. I made a point to look at her shoulders for tell-tale bra strap bumps, and lo, I saw them. I have spent too much time wondering about her bra. Is it just an old bra, or does she prefer to keep things swinging low? Does she buy her bras at a store where there’s not a salesperson there to help, like Target, or does she go to a department store and listen to the terrible advice of one rogue undergarment consultant? Maybe everyone in her town wears their boobs like her! Seriously, I need answers.

–The keynote speaker for one of the events quoted George Eliot. Except she thought George Eliot was a man.

–A girl misread a statement containing the word “morality” as “mortality,” then delivered a treatise about how that statement, I don’t know, just seemed kind of negative to her. It went on for a while before someone corrected her. This person also claims she sleeps on two box springs and a mattress. I’ve never heard of such a thing, and I can’t understand why this would be something you would a) do or b) talk about. Is there some advantage, comfort-wise? I understand that it makes her bed taller, certainly, but besides that, I’m perplexed. P.S. She was the one who said foxes were chic. I need to follow her around and write down everything she says! She is fascinating.

–One of my favorite moments of the week was this one, in which this outwardly nice person’s dark innards were revealed. There were some handouts being passed around the room. The guy next to me tried to take one, but the staples of two were stuck together. He fought with them for awhile, then just took two and passed the rest. He got them undone after a few seconds. The speaker said, “Did everyone get one?” The lady with the nosering mole said, “I didn’t.” The speaker started to panic and had to shuffle around looking for one. I looked at my seatmate’s two copies sitting in front of him. He didn’t say anything, but was fingering the staple of the second copy, watching the speaker scrounge up another copy.

–At lunch, a group of us were talking about fried stuff on a stick at the fair. Apparently, people have negative views of eating fried stuff on sticks at the fair! I had lots of opinions on the Snickers, the Twinkie, and the Oreo, and expressed them (the Oreos are really the best, as the outside is crunchy with fried, and then the chocolate cookie, which is USUALLY crunchy, gets melty; delicious). Then I said, “Yeah, I could go on and on about this subject!” The lady sitting across from me at the round table just looked at me and emphatically shook her head no.

–For the most part, the week was free of politics, but there was a bit of a discussion about gay marriage. One guy was very much against it, and gave a long speech about how his rights would be taken away if gays could marry (?), how one man/one woman is the only way, et cetera. I think the main reason no one challenged him or even asked a question is that he had a very thick lisp.

–A lady I ate dinner with told the table very matter of factly that she does not have a sense of humor.

10 May 2012

Five!

Written by sally @ 9:51 am — Section: sally

1. Do you know what is delicious? Manwich.

2. I’ve lost the ability to read adult books. Not ADULT-adult, just regular books that grown up humans might read. I still have a stack of books I got for Christmas (I’m looking at you, The Family Fang) that are untouched. I’m just not in the mood. However, there is a part of me that always needs to be reading, so I have started re-reading my old pre-teen books. I got my copy of The Rise and Fall of a Teen-age Wacko yesterday in the mail, and it is every bit as good/terrible as I remember! Laura loves to shop at Bloomingdale’s but must spend her summer in a dumb cabin with her parents. Then she gets a job babysitting back in the city, buys a dress she thinks is magical, and then trips and falls into the set of a Woody Allen movie. BRING IT.

3. If you are experiencing Sad Times™, I recommend texting your now-gay (obvs then-gay too) high school boyfriend-type-person and accusing him of not wanting to kiss you 22 years ago. Then he will point out that he was gay. Then you will point out that he kissed other girls, especially that skank Julie. Then he will point out that that happened in middle school and doesn’t count. Then voila! Your Sad Times™ will be gone!

4. I got into an argument yesterday with a friend who insisted that had she been on the Titanic, she is SUCH a good swimmer that she could’ve swum to safety. No amount of “uhh, hypothermia, sister” or “what about the 40 pounds of 1912 underwear you would’ve been wearing” would wear her down. I am just now thinking that perhaps in 1912 she wouldn’t have grown up with an in-ground pool and thus she would’ve drowned like everybody else. BAM! I think part of the issue was that we had an audience, and to my delight, a middle-aged lady got into the mix as well, waving her arms around and talking about how she saw a special a few weeks ago and basically you have six minutes to live once you hit the water and what are you talking about et cetera. I didn’t win because she never backed down, but basically, I think we all know that I won.

5. Do you know what is also delicious? Putting cheese and avocado on your Manwich. What? If you are currently thinking “I would never eat a Manwich” then you are missing out. For years — at least five — I made my own sloppy joe filling. It’s not hard. Then one day I really didn’t have time to chop or simmer and tried ye olde Manwiche. It was delicious. Beyond delicious. I think it’s because the second ingredient is high fructose corn syrup.

8 May 2012

Two Recent Conversations.

Written by sally @ 8:35 pm — Section: sally

Person 1: I’m going to die alonnnnnnnnne.
Person 2: Ooh, and maybe your cats will start to eat you before anyone finds your decaying body!

[Note: this is the only acceptable response to “I’m going to die alone.”]

Person 1: That’s a really cute top.
Person 2: Thanks…although I have to confess something.
Person 1: Are you…are you a lesbian?
Person 2: No, this shirt is by Miley Cyrus.
Person 1: Don’t feel bad! My shoes are Reba McIntire. See? (rips off shoe, waves around in air)
Person 2: I never would’ve known!
Person 1: So where does one go to buy Miley Cyrus-wear?
Person 2: Wal-Mart.
Person 1: Of course!
Person 2: I have it in blue, too.

Fin