30 Jan 2012

OH GREAT ANOTHER LIST

Written by sally @ 11:03 am — Section: sally

1. Would you rather your child 1) sleep through the night and wake up for the day at 5:30 OR 2) wake up at 2:30 to go to the bathroom and then require you to pat him back to sleep for a few minutes and then wake up for the day at 6:30? These are the only options, and every day of number one I long for number two and vice versa.

2. My computer underlined “versa” as a misspelled word so I dumbly tried it as “verca.” Then I laughed because it looked stupid. VERCA!

3. This weekend I finished reading The Tiger’s Wife. It is not my kind of book and I had no intention of reading it, but the magic of the public library new book shelf makes it impossible for me not to pick up a much-hyped book and at least try it. It is kind of magical but plausible, which I guess is the definition of magic realism, but not in the Aimee Bender my-brother-just-turned-into-that-chair kind of way. More of a folksy belief meets rational explanation kind of magic. Anyway, you may not like it, and parts will haunt you and make you feel bad, but it’s kind of gorgeous, so I recommend that you try it if you are so inclined.

4. I also read Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever, which is a teenybopper vampire book and was delightful. Look, if I’m going to read 50 books this year — with a kid who goes to bed at 8:30 and wakes up at 5:30 — I gotta pad the list with non-Tiger’s Wife titles.

5. Next up: The Night Circus, 11/22/63, Swamplandia! I have to read The Night Circus first because it’s a library book. Quick: someone tell me it’s good so I don’t feel like I’m reading it for an assignment.

6. Do you really, really love your job? I like my job. I do not love my job. Loving my job would mean my job was thus: to read novels, spray paint junk I find on the curb, rearrange furniture, bake pastries, wrap presents, and apply lipstick without looking in the mirror. I work with folks, however, who profess to reallllly love their jobs! I waver between feeling jealous and feeling like there is something wrong with them. Of course, most of these expressions of love are done on Facebook, which, let’s face it (HAW HAW), is Happy Lies Central.

7. Which is why I find being Facebook friends with negative weirdos so refreshing! Here is a partial list of status updates by this girl who was in my Girl Scout troop:

–I’m getting a real job in 2012 or i’m going to die trying
–i hate the term “black Friday” It makes me think of the day the world was destroyed by a nuclear bomb. What a stupid thing to call the first day of the Christmas season.
–I always knew someone pushed Natalie Wood off that boat
–Dear Fat Bitch in the Admissions Office – Thank you so much for yelling at me, slamming your hands on the desk and refusing to listen to my question. I am so glad I could have my day off ruined by your shitty attitude.
–Nothing like going for a run and having someone slow down and yell “fat ass” out their car window at you as they pass by.
–I wonder what it feels like to be appreciated?
–U suck Romo
–I’m gonna freakn puke!!
–Nordstrom carries a jean brand called “rich and skinny” for like 200 bucks a pair. I’m gonna make some called “poor and fat” and sell them at wal mart for 20 bucks

It’s possible that sometimes I read these in a dramatic Texas accent for Larry, who does not appreciate my performance and begs me to stop.

8. I’m available to read these at your next function. Acceptable currency: party dips.

20 Jan 2012

ALWAYS.

Written by sally @ 1:22 pm — Section: sally

Did you have an autograph book when you were little? I’m not sure if this was just something people in 1982 Texas thought was pretty cool, but I found mine the other night.

In case you’re wondering, I have always been exactly the same. I TRY to be warm and friendly, but I’m little prickly, a little too quick to clarify.

My subtle editing is pretty awesome on this next page. I’m not the type to scribble something out with a black Magic Marker. No, just a little bit of eraser does the trick.

11 Jan 2012

HEY HERE’S SOME THINGS TO READ

Written by sally @ 3:43 pm — Section: sally

1. In a conference call a moment ago, someone took offense at the meeting’s leader, James, using the term “e-commerce” (I know; for me, it’s up there with “fuck” as a verb) and pulled this move:

“First of all — I’m sorry, what’s your name again? Ok, well, JAMES, well what you need to know is…”

This rattled James to the extent that he said this, which made me ell oh ell.

“We don’t want to put the customer to sleep. I mean, um…not…not in a euthanization kind of way, I mean.”

He said it totally earnestly, as if anyone in the history of the universe would think that’s what he meant! Yes, well, my e-commerce plan is to MURDER THE CUSTOMER (and charge them for it).

2. At the Thai restaurant today, a dumb man said to the owner, who is Thai, “Hey, happy Chinese New Year! Do y’all celebrate that?” In case you’re wondering: yes, I died.

3. I started the year by reading Solar by Ian McEwan. In it, McEwan abandons his tried-and-true suspense-filled writing for an attempt at comedy, and ohjesus is it terrible. There is a four-page part featuring crisps on a train that is fantastic, but otherwise, please read a different McEwan book if you must. But not On Chesil Beach! Because that one sucks too (but for different reasons).

4. Now I’m reading Snobs by Julian Fellowes (creator of the Downton Abbey and the Gosford Park!), and it is pretty good, but yesterday my public library had The Night Circus, which I’m pretty anxious to read, and so I’m trying to rush through Snobs.

5. One of my favorite Twitter feeds is LarkinQuotes. Just a few lines of Phillip Larkin’s poems, a couple of times a day. It’s delightful to read a tweet about a sandwich someone just ate, a profane Rob Delaney tweet, and then read this:

“High above the gutter / A silver knife sinks into golden butter”

6. I got over being mad at The Good Wife. This week’s episode was particularly good, I thought, although I could be factoring in the fact that I listened to/watched it in my office at work while I was doing some sorting and cleaning.

7. I heard that Project Runway: All Stars has no Tim Gunn nor Heidi Klum. Must I watch? Please discuss.

8. Do you know about Munchies brand snacks? Not Munchos but Munchies, the snack with the unfortunate name. It’s pretzels, Doritos, Cheetos, and Sun Chips all living polygamously together in one bag. I recommend.

9. My friend Graham is in this band called Get Better, which has an EP you can download for a mere $2! That’s about the price of a big bag of Munchies. So for five bucks, you can listen to some songs and eat some chips. That’s…I mean, what else is there. I didn’t add a question mark because it’s not really a question.

10. Sometimes if I have a snack at my desk (ahem Munchies) and I get a little cheesy dust on my fingers, instead of getting up to wash my hands like a human being, I will lick my fingers and then wipe them dry on the inside of my pants leg. The inside! No one needs to know! (Except you.)

6 Jan 2012

Speaking of Litter.

Written by sally @ 4:34 pm — Section: sally

The other day I mentioned something about the dry cleaning place I use to a coworker and she said she might try it. She has this shirt that she spilled soy sauce on, and after she took it to her usual place, the stain was still there.

And get this! Not only was the STAIN still there, it hadn’t even been cleaned! I know because I licked it and it still tasted like soy sauce!
Oh, wow.
I know! They just ironed it!
I mean, oh wow, you licked your shirt.
I actually licked it again after I took it to the SECOND dry cleaner and the stain was still there. Still tasted like soy sauce. Jerks.

Speaking of weirdos, my friend’s boyfriend recently had a Personal Family Tragedy, and because of this, she is hesitant to address unwanted behavior that her boyfriend is displaying for fear this will make him break down/think she is awful. I say “unwanted behavior,” but I really mean TOTALLY HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING behavior. Case in point: apparently the man is fond of hocking loogies. Look, it happens. I am not personally a loogie hocker but I am close to those who are. So they’re in his car, she’s riding in the passenger seat, and he hocks a loogie. Then he rolls down HER window, leans over, and shoots the loogie OVER HER PERSON and out the window. I just have no words. What advice do you give a friend in this position? If you’re me, you just say ohmygodohmygod and give her a friendly pat.

Speaking of loogies, have I ever told you about the time I was housesitting for my neighbor, watering plants and the like, when I spotted some trash in their backyard? Because I was all of 12 at the time, I didn’t merely pick up the trash and put it in an appropriate receptacle. Oh, no. Instead, I picked it up, and tossed it over my neighbor’s OTHER neighbor’s fence. Ha ha! Instant trash pickup! So a few days later, I noticed a Coke can out there. I trotted out, picked it up, and tossed it over into the other neighbor’s yard. (Yes, again. I wasn’t very bright.) I stood there feeling pretty proud of my solution to littering when SWOPPPPP! something flew over the fence and hit me in the eye. Now, I wore glasses at the time, so getting something in the precious space between face and glass is pretty impressive, but do you know what it was? It was a loogie. Warm. Viscuous. Loogielike. In my eye.

AND THAT IS WHY I DO NOT LITTER.

4 Jan 2012

Bedtime.

Written by sally @ 3:35 pm — Section: sally

Bedtime is rough for Spike. I suspect it is rough for most kids, and that the angelic sleepers I read about on Facebook are just wishful/hateful thinking intended to fill others with jealousy and bile. We have a list of threats posted in the hallway of things we will take away from him if he gets out of bed (first, the toy he’s sleeping with, then dessert the next night, etc) so instead of getting out of bed, he now requests our presence often so that we may fix imaginary life-threatening problems, like tigers on the walls. Once I sprayed the tiger spray around the room, but apparently was overzealous in my duty, as he ended up weeping because I sprayed the GOOD tigers as well as the bad.

So last night he was in his bed pleading. Mommy. Mommmmmmy. MOMMY! I finally went in.

What is it, darling?
–Mommy, come here. I have to tell you something.

I put my face close to his.

Boogers, he whispered.

2 Jan 2012

We’ll Melt Your Popsicle.

Written by sally @ 4:53 pm — Section: sally

I really did think of doing some special 2012 challenge, like posting every day, or doing a random act of kindness each day and then bragging about it, but yesterday (after I gave a saleslady a piece of gum AHEM) I went to the park with Spike and there were terrible people there and now I’m going to tell you about them.

Two cars pulled up at the same time. The second the doors opened, the noise started as well. There were loud talkers, and lots of them: grandma, grandpa, two sets of married people, and four children. First, they were loud and I was annoyed. Then I noticed that they smelled like smoke, and then I noticed that Grandma was smoking. Look, I don’t mean to be a dick about smokers, but this is a park for children, ok? Just finish your cigarette and we’ll move on. Oh, no. Grandma finished her cigarette and HAD ANOTHER, way too close to precious unclogged baby lungs for my taste.

Then they got closer and I had no choice but to pay attention to them, because I have a disorder called Whoever is Loudest Gets My Attention.

Redneck woman: Hay baby! Whuts this thang called, this rope thang.
Redneck man: Ats a zip lon.
Redneck woman: Well it don’t work rot. It stops in the middle.
Redneck man: Well they put it up wrong.
Redneck woman: Ats too bad.
Me (silently, in head): IT HAS SOME SLACK SO THE CHILDREN DON’T SLAM THEIR BODIES AGAINST THE POLES AT EITHER END.

Spike stood holding my hand, mouth agape, staring at them.

We moved on to the slide, to the swing. The rednecks approached. Redneck woman hollered “hay baby” again and asked her beloved what the ground cover was. She had a lot of questions, but I got the impression that they were in performance mode.

We went over to the riding toys–there’s a whale, a frog, and a car. The other set of married people were encouraging their son to ride the whale. WHEEL! WHEEL! he said. ATS RIGHT, said the man, THERES A WALL AND A SNALL. HAW HAW WALL AND SNALL! Spike looked up at me and said quietly, Mommy, there’s a whale and a FROG. (He is totally my child.) Spike got in the car and the man said HAY LOOKIT THIS CAT’S IN THE CAR! Spike gave me a look.

We were on the fire truck using the wheel as a makeshift sit and spin. It’s near the big xylophone/glockenspiel kind of contraption. Redneck man approached and said, HAY BABY LISTEN TO THIS. He played with it for a moment and then found a melody and began to sing, a little stilted as he found each note.

Cal i forn ia girls we’re un for get table
Dai sy Dukes bi ki nis on top
Sun kissed skin so hot
We’ll melt your pop sic le
Oh whoa oh oh oh

Then they all cracked up. YES, I knew what song he was playing, but NO, I don’t think it was a cute thing for a 35 year old redneck to do. 15 year old boy? Absolutely!

I looked around for someone to comically bug my eyes out at, but I couldn’t be sure that the other parents weren’t part of the annoying party. The only dad who I know was there before the loud party arrived stuffed his baby back into the Baby Bjorn and left after Grandma, her cigarette close, made some chitchat with him.

Around this time a bunch of other families showed up, along with a wayward band of preteens who immediately set upon climbing a giant pile of mulch and trying to propel each other off of it. The rednecks had a better audience for their hijinx and left Spike and me alone. He almost fell asleep in the swing, and then fell asleep in the stroller on the way home.

In other words, 2012 is going to be awesome!