30 Aug 2011

Grandma?

Written by sally @ 2:53 pm — Section: sally

When you see a lady at a store in her 70s wearing a pageboy wig, dark sunglasses, full face full of makeup, gold satin shirt, white short shorts, pantyhose, and kitten heels AND is walking around with the aid of one crutch — well, I’m sorry. You have to pretend to text someone in order to get a photo of her.

It doesn’t do her justice, although her pose says it all. She would hold up a shirt encrusted with something shimmery and say to her homely companion, Oh, this is GORGEOUS before tossing it in her little buggy. There is something about her I recognize. I think she might be a part of my family.

24 Aug 2011

This Must Be What Heaven’s Like.

Written by sally @ 7:48 am — Section: sally

If you were the type to start Christmas shopping now, and your mother had said that she wanted a smallish purse for Christmas, and you were at Steinmart and found a Coach bag that was marked down to $59.95 (from $198!) AND you had a 40% off clearance coupon, would the appearance of two inch-long pink ink marks on the back deter you from making this purchase? It did not deter me, but I can’t decide if the ink marks (which the internet said might come off) will ruin it or if getting a Coach bag for 82% off will make my mother proud.

This morning I was looking for a piece of paper in the guest room and all I could find was a list from 1997 of terrible lines from an Ann Jillian movie I was watching on Lifetime:

“Promise me I’ll always be touching you.”
“This must be what heaven’s like.”
“I’ve dreamed of this moment.”
“Hold me. Put your arms around me.”

I read this list every few years and the effect is the same: first, gross. Second, is it possible there are people who think this is romantic? I just searched for it on imdb and am pretty sure this is it: The Care and Handling of Roses. I recommend the review called “Unintentional Laughs Aplenty”:

Never have I seen so much hokey over-acting crammed into one small movie. Corny melodrama that had me laughing until I cried. I guess the viewer was supposed to feel the underlying sexual tension between Lee Horsley and Ann Jillian, rooting for their love to prevail, but they were both so utterly unappealing and unattractive I didn’t care what happened to them. Every over used soap-opera gag is used to the hilt in this thing: Tearfully running in the rain, forbidden phone calls, desperate, longing gazes, loads of cheesy dialog–yuck. I will say, however, I did enjoy this movie–AS A COMEDY!

Somehow I feel validated for keeping this piece of paper for 14 years.

23 Aug 2011

Curmudgeons, Unite!

Written by sally @ 9:08 am — Section: sally

Yesterday at the public library I saw a lady spit on the ground. Then I held the door open for an old lady who gushed and gushed at my kindness, and 3 minutes later I was cursing her as she didn’t believe that green turn arrow was insurance enough that it was her turn to go and her car crept across the street. People of Earth! I love you only on my terms. The rest of the time you get on my nerves.

About a month ago Spike went to visit Larry’s parents for about a week, and when he came home, he was un-potty trained, at least at night (there were some issues during the day, too, but those resolved in a couple of days). Larry’s parents WOKE HIM UP several times in the night and took him to the bathroom EVEN THOUGH when he arrived at their house he was fully capable of sleeping all night without peeing. Well, as I am interested in sleep, I did not start setting my alarm to let my child pee, and after 5 nights in a row of changing peed-up sheets at 2:30 in the morning, we took a giant step back and put Spike back in Pull-ups (except I like Easy-Ups better but you don’t care about that do you). It is with a black and heavy heart full of rage that I did this. Each morning as Spike took off the 500-pound, loaded with pee diaper, which would land on the floor with a thump, I cursed my in laws for breaking my child. Anyway, he seems to be mostly fixed now, but y’all, it took ONE MONTH to fix this! I’m relieved that he’s able to hold it all night, but also relieved that I can finally stop cursing my mother-in-law. [Edited to add: I will be deleting this paragraph soon.]

A few weeks ago I got a text from one of my young coworkers, who will we call Golly, reporting that so-and-so (a notoriously stiff, unemotional person) was all revved up and acting “cray cray” at an event. I texted back and said something like “Oh man. What does that even mean?” because this person is SO reserved and nervous and by-the-book I couldn’t imagine her letting loose. Golly texted back “Cray cray means crazy. She’s hooting and hollering!”

I was so offended she thought I didn’t know what cray cray meant! I wanted to tell her that I was saying cray cray when she was born, which was technically when I was in high school, oh god. I texted back, “I know what cray-cray means, CHILD!”

The next day we were having lunch at a work event and I brought up the cray cray scandal to share my hurt in an exaggerated manner with my tablemates. A girl I am pretty good friends with named Folly was also there.

Me: So Golly over here texted me that someone was acting cray cray, and when I responded, she thought I didn’t understand what cray cray meant. I’m so offended!
Golly: Here we go.
Folly: I don’t know what cray cray means.
Me: If I said, “You are acting so cray cray!” what would you think that means?
Folly: I’d think you were speaking another language.
Me: No, really.
Golly: You know, in context! “You’re acting cray cray!”
Folly: I have no idea what that means.
Me: Are you seriously telling me you can’t figure that out?
Folly: I do not use slang, or abbreviations, or whatever hip language the kids are using.
Me: OH MY GOD.
Folly: The English language is a beautiful thing! Making up words is just wrong!
Me: [stifling urge to revert to English teacher status to explain how language evolves] Oh, you use slang, shut up.
Folly: No, I don’t. I don’t understand cray cray. I don’t want to understand it.
Golly: What about totes?
Folly: I don’t know what that means.
Golly: Adorbs?
Folly: No.
Me: Ok, what about if I said “Y’all, I can’t wait to eat. I’m so hung.”
(pause)
Old Lady at Table: I don’t think that one works.

Fin