31 Mar 2011

Er.

Written by sally @ 12:29 pm — Section: sally

Sally is chatting with the ridiculously good looking mailroom guy about a brochure featuring some staff hard at work.

RGLMG: Yeah, I saw them taking those photos upstairs.
Sally: I’m surprised they didn’t ask you to be in it! (realizing she has essentially just said he is good looking) I mean, they tried to round up the least offensive looking people around here.
RGLMG: (silence)
Sally: See ya later!

Exeunt, pursued by a bear.

28 Mar 2011

Update on The Sherlockian!

Written by sally @ 7:45 am — Section: sally

The thing that was building turned out to be pretty interesting. At some point I was able to just follow the story and stop cringing at some of the language. I call this the Da Vinci Code Effect.

I also impulse bought a copy of The Bell Jar. I will be live tweeting my reading experience. NOT REALLY.

25 Mar 2011

Eight Things from Oxford.

Written by sally @ 10:36 am — Section: sally

Hello! I write to you from the town of Oxford, Land of Delicious Foods and Also Me Having to Go to Walgreens to Get Some Mylanta.

I have been keeping a list of things to tell you about, but it is in the car, and that is all of 20 feet away, and that is just too far. I have eaten donuts, and lo, I am ill. (Enter Mylanta.) I will try to remember everything.

1. At Fred’s the other day, there were roughly 1,200 people in line (including me; I was buying cat food, pistachios, and a roll of Mentos). One cashier was working. She got on the intercom and said, “Renika, your smile is needed at the front” in a monotone. Several minutes later, Renika arrived at the front, sans smile. She came to the first cashier and just stood next to her for a minute, as if maybe the intercom call was just to ask her something, like “Did you watch American Idol last night?” Slowly, Renika understood that she was supposed to open a register.

2. Are you, in fact, watcing American Idol? I am. I am anti Stefano, Scotty and all the girls. I am pro James Durbin. I am neutral when it comes to Casey.

3. Can you eat a few Mentos? I can’t. I treat the roll as a serving size.

4. This morning my route through the Oxford Tuesday Morning parking lot, which is the best Tuesday Morning ever, was blocked by a garbage truck. He was trying to back up, but another big ass truck was in his way. HONK, the garbage truck said. The big ass truck ignored him. HONK HONK, the garbage truck said. The big ass truck’s tail lights came on and off. HONK HONK HONK, the garbage truck said. A man got out of the passenger side of the truck’s cab and said something to the garbage truck driver. He backed up enough for me to get by.

Later, as I was getting back in my car (with some Kuhn Rikon knives, what WHAT), the garbage man CAME UP TO ME and apologized for not being able to let me go through sooner! Oxford, as if I weren’t already charmed by your pastries and bookstores and Tuesday Morning shopping experiences!

5. Ohhhh, you should read An Invisible Sign of My Own by Aimee Bender…especially before the movie (!) comes out with Jessica Alba (!) in the starring role. I do not predict I will enjoy this.

I just started reading The Sherlockian, and lo, there is something about it that I loathe. I can imagine the author smirking and thinking, “I am so clever” as he wrote it. But I’m slogging through it until the thing that they are building to happens, and then I will decide if it the thing is intriguing enough to continue.

6. Hey, I got some contacts! This is only interesting to me. The new problem is that now I am able to truly see my hair for the first time in two years, and have discovered that it is just all wrong. Also it is getting grey.

7. Here is something that will blow your mind: Spike is almost three.

8. I always use this joke, but here it is again. Eight! Eight! I forget what eight was for.

14 Mar 2011

I Tell Myself Maybe in Order to Live.

Written by sally @ 7:24 pm — Section: sally

Oh, maaaan, I have been slacking lately. I think it is because I have started reading again. In the past few weeks, I have read:

The Hunger Games
half a Sookie Stackhouse book I need to read for work
five pages of Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang before I became depressed that her terrible book is a bestseller
part of Great House before I just became depressed in general
Love Always, Julia
some of We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live
I’m Looking Through You: Growing Up Haunted

I bought I’m Looking Through You a while back on the clearance area of some store, and ended up reading it last weekend. I really liked Jennifer Finney Boylan’s first memoir, She’s Not There, about being transgendered, but this book was also about being transgendered? Only now she can also see ghosts and grew up in a haunted house? And also it turns out her sister disowned her when she became a lady and the book is partly about that? But in a book about how she is all oooh I see you ghost at one point she hangs out with a real-live ghosthunter and is all rolling her eyes and going “yeah right you ghosthunter ghosts aren’t real!!!!1!” which makes no sense.

I have also been carefully avoiding watching any video footage of Japan earthquake/tsunami disaster awfulness, although I did accidentally see a photo of a scared panda holding on to a police officer’s leg, and that was enough for me.

In other news, my 20th high school reunion is this summer, and while I have been looking forward to this since I was about 11 (“I’ll show you, scary eyeliner girl who wants to kick my ass! In 2011 it’s ON!”), Facebook is sucking all the fun out of this for me. Today I perused the invite list and saw a few folks I wasn’t friends with already. And now I already know that they each have gained roughly two hundred pounds each.

One of them was this super nerd that I used to have dreams about because I felt terrible for not coming to his assistance. Once I was in a social position to help lower-tiered nerds than me, I should have helped them, but I did not. Anyway, that guy turned out ok. He really likes the Bible, has a wife who writes things like “Your an awesome husband!” on his wall, and has some extra padding to keep him warm (as well as a Prius, which led me to ask Larry, “Are Republicans allowed to have a Prius?”).

Anyway, I was scrolling through the 35 (out of our class of 504!) people who have already responded YES to the invite and I started to get a little panicky imagining walking in a room and having to talk to them, or do I pretend I’m too cool to talk to them, or if I hated them 20 years ago do I have to like them now, or what if no one remembers me, and then I just responded that MAYBE I will attend.

4 Mar 2011

Damaged Ham.

Written by sally @ 4:03 pm — Section: sally

1. I saw the same gross old man with dyed red hair at Kroger last weekend. Is he my secret grandpa? Does he want to leave me a million dollars when he dies? Should I befriend him?

2. Yesterday I spoke to a group about emporium services, and for maybe the first time ever, I had a perfect audience. They thought I was HILARIOUS. Every time I couldn’t think of the real word for something and instead called it a thingy or a thingamajob or a doodad or whimwham, and then said “oh, that’s a technical term,” there was audible laughter! I must point out that the average age of the group was 75.

There was one woman who caught my eye for several reasons. One, she had a walker, and it was squeaky. Two, she panted a lot. Three, she was wearing shorts and pantyhose knee-highs, PLUS SOCKS. Four, she had giant glasses like these, but not as cute. Five, she had severe, awful, horrible, no good dandruff coating her shoulders. Six, she had no teeth. Seven, she had a full moustache.

I loved her for obvious reasons, but then she had to go and ask a lot of dumb questions and ruin it. Do you have a book on this topic? I’m not sure. I’d have to check the catalog. Well, what about this topic? Or this one? HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? One mean lady told her to get her butt out of the elevator at one point, and I laughed.

3. I was getting some critical items at the Dollar General the other day — gummy bears, sympathy card — and noticed that everyone was all in a kerfluffle. Get this: a man had just attempted to shoplift a bunch of items by placing them in his pants. When confronted for walking funny, he simply pulled off his pants, stepped out of his shoes, and ran out the door.

“What all did he have in there?” I asked the cashier.
“Well, he had some packs of underwear and socks, and some frozen shrimp, and a ham–”
“A HAM?”
“Yeah, I didn’t even know we had ham,” she said.

Luckily for all ham-buying customers, the manager decided to declare those items “damaged” and not return them to the shelf since they had been in some man’s (underwearless) pants. His shoes were sitting in a Dollar General basket by the register when I checked out.