31 Jan 2011

I’m Ordering the Invitations Today.

Written by sally @ 10:40 am — Section: sally

I’ve been flirting with a lot of books lately but not really able to commit and settle down with any of them. I’m reading Bill Bryson’s At Home, which is great when you are in the mood to learn about when humans figured out how to use tables (it took a really long time), some P.G. Wodehouse stories (for some reason I kind of refuse to read the Jeeves ones), and this weekend, I read most of Letters from the Editor: The New Yorker’s Harold Ross. I recommend the Ross book if you’re a nerdy New Yorker fan OR if you like reading people’s letters OR if both of these things apply to you. I am adding him to my imaginary dead people dinner party guest list for sure.

This librarian named Corinne Bacon who wrote silly articles about reference service in the 1920s is also on my dinner party list, as I am inclined to believe she is my professional soulmate. Oscar Wilde is totally invited (but not Dorothy Parker because I think they’d fight — I also doubt she would be appreciative of the menu and would probably crack wise the whole time) but I am going to see if 1940s Cary Grant is available to serve. Oh, and I should probably invite that important guy in history who did the thing with the war or the famine or whatever. Look, I’m a very serious person.

27 Jan 2011

Is That a Good or Bad Sign?

Written by sally @ 10:44 am — Section: sally

I went to the eye doctor this morning for another in a series of Can I Please Wear Contacts, Please? This time it’s looking like there is a remote possibility that maybe sometime in the future there is a sliver of a glimmer of a chance that it might happen. Perhaps.

As I waited (and waited) for my appointment to begin, I entertained myself by being completely grossed out by the office itself. It’s in an older building with charming concrete block walls. The office was divided by some older fabric panels that were showing their wear in the form of nubby fabric pills. Along one paneled wall sat some chairs. Above the chairs there were brown marks where years of greasy heads had rested. I took a photo.

I finally got to see the doctor a few minutes later, and my revulsion over the wall’s head grease was allayed when he prescribed me a mild steroid for the stupid eyelid crud that prevents me from wearing contacts. Guess what it’s called?

FML.

No kidding!

26 Jan 2011

Can’t Be Sure.

Written by sally @ 7:02 pm — Section: sally

A man called this afternoon and needed some advice. He’d been bitten by a bug and wanted to know what it was. Some choice quotes:

1. “It had an olive green body, an orange head, and a white stripe down its back.”
2. “It was a little smaller than a ladybug. But I can’t be sure because there weren’t any ladybugs in my room then.”
3. “It could’ve been a banana bug. I ate a banana yesterday.”
4. “The pest control guy said he hasn’t seen a banana bug in New York in 30 years!”

Fin

25 Jan 2011

Overheard Yesterday.

Written by sally @ 8:33 am — Section: sally

A family has met for lunch, but is now going their separate ways.

Woman: See ya.
Man: Love you.
Woman: Oh. (pause) Love you.
Teenage son: (farts)

24 Jan 2011

Answers! (As If You Took This Quiz.)

Written by sally @ 9:14 am — Section: sally

1. Items in order of importance:
Dairy Queen chicken finger basket
eyeliner
sequins
love

Because how else are you going to be loved if you’re hungry and not wearing the proper attire?

2. d. All of the above.

3. While I’m sure any of the options would be devoured, the deep fried burrito is the Texas local favorite. And oh, is it fried. I would venture a guess that they fry it several times. And then fry it again for good measure.

4. False (only in 1989).

5. c. Your mom is.

6. Chicken fried steak, of course! Whoever heard of country fried steak? That doesn’t even make any sense. Like people fry it differently in the country? No, you fry the STEAK like you fry the CHICKEN. Also, it is funnier that way. Also, I don’t happen to like chicken fried steak.

7. Corny dogs, of course!

8. AIN’T SKEERED. If you don’t know what this means, I don’t know how to explain it to you.

9. Yes, although I thought chigger was a redneck word for “mosquito” for a really long time. I may actually still think this.

10. It’s a toss up, but I’m going with a decal of a little boy peeing. That someone has stuck on their car. (If you don’t know what this means, I don’t know how to explain it to you, either.)

Thanks for playing!

20 Jan 2011

Are You From Texas?

Written by sally @ 2:18 pm — Section: sally

Take this brief quiz and find out.

1. Place the following items in order of importance.
a. eyeliner
b. Dairy Queen chicken finger basket
c. love
d. sequins

2.What is a roper?
a. kind of boot
b. kind of person who wears the boot
c. one who ropes, duh

3. At a Sonic in Texas, what is likely to be listed under “Local Favorites”?
a. tumbleweed poppers
b. brisket slush
c. deep fried burrito
d. lasso sandwich

4. Bolo ties are an acceptable form of currency.
a. True
b. False

5. Everything is bigger in Texas.
a. True
b. False
c. Your mom is

6. Do you eat country fried steak or chicken fried steak?
a. Country fried
b. Chicken fried

7. Do you eat a corn dog or a corny dog?
a. Corn
b. Corny
c. I don’t eat battered hotdogs on sticks, thanks
d. oh you think you’re so much BETTER than me huh
e. no, I just–
f. save it.

8. How would you communicate to someone that you’re not frightened of a challenge?
a. I’m not afraid.
b. AIN’T SKEERED

9. Do you know what a chigger is?
a. No
b. Yes, but I was taught that that kind of language is unacceptable

10. Which is more offensive?
a. Calvin praying
b. Calvin peeing

19 Jan 2011

6IBCPC Fan Club. Members: 1.

Written by sally @ 12:22 pm — Section: sally

Yesterday I received an order from Crate and Barrel that was missing one of the very important items that I bought (all on sale during a free shipping event). While it was Crate and Barrel’s error, it is embarrassing to call customer service and say, “Oh, hello. I did not receive my 6-inch bone china pine cone.” Then the customer service person has to keep saying “6-inch bone china pine cone,” as in “We can replace the 6-inch bone china pine cone if they are still available” and “Oh, what luck. The 6-inch bone china pine cone is available” and “I am sorry you did not receive your 6-inch bone china pine cone in your original order.”

However, in three to five days, what will I have in my hot little hand? A 6-inch bone china pine cone, that’s what. And oh, how my life will be better for it.

Tags.

Written by sally @ 6:17 am — Section: sally

FOREVER
REGGAE
LOANS

I wish I’d seen these cars driving together.

11 Jan 2011

Heed the “All Hideous” Warning Next Time.

Written by sally @ 3:39 pm — Section: sally

Yesterday I was busy ignoring my child from a far-away room when I heard a horrible, horrible sound: the sound of lots of stuff falling from a high spot. I ran into the living room, where Spike was staring, mouth agape, at a Busytown dvd, and one of the cats was hanging out by his side. No one seemed alarmed. I asked him what the noise was and he didn’t know. I asked the cat; no response. I walked around the house looking for death and destruction but found nothing. Weeyid.

Later, I found it: the top shelf of my closet is chock full of plastic tubs full of photos, letters, and tiny pieces of paper that used to be important. Four of these tubs jumped to their deaths and broke, meaning there was just a big ole pile of shit all over the floor. The tubs were not perched precariously on the precipice (ok, I said “precipice” on alliterative purpose). They’ve been sitting there for years! I have no idea why they jumped. We did have a bit of ice a few days ago, but I can’t imagine that a chunk of ice/tree branch falling on the house could jostle it in such a way to shove those off the shelf. I have decided it was a ghost.

A sentimental asshole of a ghost, that is. Said ghost wanted me to look through photos of my babyhood and childhood and Starkville symposiums and my first wedding. In a bundle of photos from the year I spent locked in that blessed union in St. Louis, at least 75% of the photos are of my cat. I appear in one, but that is because the cat has all four of his paws on my face.

I spent little time actually examining these photos and more time quickly sorting them into pile eras so that next time they all fall on the floor I can get even madder and say “And they were all organized, too!”

I decided I didn’t need to keep the ten million photo center envelopes and just pulled out all the photos. All the negatives got jammed in one envelope that no one will ever need again, ever. I did keep a few sets of photos in their original sleeves because I didn’t want them mingling.

In a set marked “All hideous — Frank and me camping,” I should have known that it was going to be bad. I thought “I am camping, therefore I am unwashed, and thus hideous” but I should have indicated what flavor hideous. I flipped through and found the unwashed evidence, which was hideous enough, but then I saw the one that must’ve turned my stomach 15 years ago when I got the film developed.

Frank and I are standing on top of a mountain. I have turned on the timer on my camera. We are hugging, only I am the only one doing the hugging. Frank has his hands on my shoulders and is pushing me away. I apparently do not realize this because I am smiling really, really big. I was right: that is hideous. It’s a pose that represents our whole relationship. Me: I like you! Him: Ehhhhhh.

The other photos of Frank and me are really no better, but they are less embarrassing. There is one of us at a wedding; I am smiling and look normal and he is flaring his nostrils for intended comic effect. Sigh.

However, the whole photos crashing to the floor forcing me to revisit unpleasant photo memories and sort a bunch of tiny pieces of paper experience wasn’t all terrible. This morning, I found a bunch of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse trading cards in my boot!

7 Jan 2011

I Got Something for You.

Written by sally @ 9:59 am — Section: sally

Yesterday during lunch I was in the Gap using up a gift card (in case you’re wondering, everything already marked down was an additional 40% off). At the register, a very tall lady was huffing and puffing over a return. They were waiting for the manager to arrive, but the woman didn’t move even when the salesperson started to ring me up.

When the manager arrived — a very calm, cool dude with dreadlocks — the woman proceeded to lose her mind immediately over the state of some clearly worn pants, which she wanted to return without a receipt. There was some hollering regarding OH HELL YEAH YOU’RE GONNA TAKE THESE BACK and WOULD YOU WEAR ‘EM? and THEY GOT A DEFECT ON ‘EM which was so entertaining my transaction took twice as long because I was just standing there staring at her. Apparently the defect was that they were linty. The manager suggested she acquire a lint roller.

The best part came when the manager said I’m sorry, but I just can’t take these back without a receipt and Freakout Jones yelled FINE. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? I’m sorry? the manager asked. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE. I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

I nearly wet my pants out of excitement!

The manager said, Oh, well, I’m calling security. You’re not going to threaten me. He really did say it like that, very calm and controlled. All of the labels on the cans in his cabinets probably face forward.

The woman then left, taking her pants from 1983 with her. When I left (with my pants and two sweaters for $7 after the discount and a $50 gift card), I looked for her in the parking lot but didn’t see her.

I wanted to tell her that her method was all wrong. You don’t start off being an asshole. You build to assholery! Start chatty and sweet! Get the person to agree with you, and THEN they will break Gap Rule 436.32 Re: Returns without Receipts. Was a store credit not good enough? Did she not know to at least iron the pants to make them look unworn/unwashed? I could really teach her a few things. And then she’d probably break my arm.

4 Jan 2011

Electric Banana Infinity.

Written by sally @ 9:08 pm — Section: sally

1. I’m reading Bill Bryson’s At Home and learn that sugar used to come in loaves.
2. Sugarloaf!
3. Is that a band?
4. I better Google it.
5. Ohhh. They sing “Green Eyed Lady.”
6. Wait, what’s this?
7. “The band was originally known as Chocolate Hair.
8. “Chocolate Hair” will now replace “Electric Banana” as my favorite fake 60s band name.
9. My life is ruined! Apparently The Pretty Things, a British band formed in the 60s, is also known as Electric Banana.
10. Wait. My life is back on. The Pretty Things were only known as Electric Banana when they recorded some songs that were used in porn movies and later released as the albums Electric Banana, More Electric Banana, Even More Electric Banana, and the Return of the Electric Banana.

3 Jan 2011

A Tale of Two Sweaters (Edited Version).

Written by sally @ 1:56 pm — Section: sally

I just spent a large chunk of time and several overly wordy paragraphs writing about two sweaters I received for Christmas, but I think it’s best just to leave you with their descriptions:

Sweater the First
An off-white color, this extra-large cardigan features appliqued kittens wearing rhinestone collars. Bonus: rhinestone buttons.

Sweater the Second
Hot pink leopard print with a fur collar.

Somehow I have failed as a person if I have allowed myself to be perceived as someone who would enjoy either one of these sweaters.