29 Nov 2010

Freedom!

Written by sally @ 3:26 pm — Section: sally

1. I finally, finally finished Franzen’s Freedom. I cannot say I loved it. I enjoyed parts of it, though some parts draaaaaaagged onnnnnnnn (I’m talking to you, cerulean warbler). Apparently I have no imagination, because this is who I cast in the version of the book playing in my head as I read:
Patty: the mom from My So-Called Life (who, I believe, was named Patty)
Joey: Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block
Richard Katz: Richard Marx
Walter: this dad from daycare I know
Lalitha: Mindy Kaling
Jonathan: Jonathan from 30 Rock

2. Thanksgiving turned out fine! I strongly believe in the power of incessant worrying. The apple pie was too wet and the carrots, while beautiful, remained carroty, but everything else was great. Ok, maybe not “great.” But fine! And I am wearing some $5.99 Black Friday earrings that look like a large bird eating a small bird (original price: $36), so there is that.

3. On Saturday I was behind an amazing truck. It had a confederate flag painted in the back window, a license plate of TRIPP80 (Rankin County!), and these two bumper stickers: “Show me 8–then we’ll talk” and “On the 8th day, God created COWBOYS.” I had to look up the first one, but it’s a rodeo thing you wouldn’t understand. All this truck needed was a horn that played Dixie and some Truck Nutz.

23 Nov 2010

She Was Right.

Written by sally @ 3:49 pm — Section: sally

Today for lunch I ate at the barbeque place. The tables are always a little sticky there, but it’s pretty good and all the tables are mashed together so you can overhear everything everyone else is talking about. In other words, it is heaven.

At the table next to me was an old couple. He had on elaborately printed suspenders that matched her tapestry coat. I should note that it is 80 degrees today and the restaurant didn’t have their air conditioning on. It was probably the perfect temperature for olds.

They weren’t saying much. They were probably thinking about ration cards or rotary telephones. I was about to take a picture of his suspenders when the old lady opened her mouth.

“YOU NEED TO START USING THAT SHAMPOO AGAIN,” she yelled. “I CAN SEE FLAKES FROM HERE.”

The old man didn’t say anything. And then I took the picture.

19 Nov 2010

My Money’s on the Neighbor’s House.

Written by sally @ 3:24 pm — Section: sally

For the past two weeks I’ve been obsessing over my Thanksgiving menu. I have been doing this because it is easier than obsessing over who will be at my table: my mother, brother, father, stepmother, and mother- and father-in-law. And Larry and Spike, of course. And you, if you want to come! It’s sure to be interesting. And by that I mean “it’s sure to make you have an anxiety attack.” Don’t worry: I have some xanax.

Anyway, instead of trying to pinpoint the exact moment in the day where I go outside and hide under a bush/in Larry’s shed/in the neighbor’s house (she’s never there and I have a key), I am trying to focus on the menu. For awhile I was concerned with what fresh-like vegetables I should serve — I didn’t want the vegetables to come out of a can OR be floating in a can of Campbell’s Cream of Something soup. So cans are out. I have decided I will make an asparagus tart (is easy/looks hard/has cheese/no leftovers), some roasted broccoli with parmesan (Spike likes broccoli/parmesan makes it fancy), and maybe these Steamed Carrots with Garlic-Ginger Sauce (you know, even though Larry and I both HATE CARROTS…but look at those babies! they’re gorgeous!). Besides these three fresh-like items, there will be the requisite dressing, mashed potatoes, and sweet potato casserole. And smoked turkey. And ham. And baked chicken. We eat all animals equally.

Anyway, now that the meal itself is taken care of, I have moved on to obsessing over the desserts. I am making a chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting (adapted from the magical Smitten Kitchen one), but Thanksgiving needs pies. I’m thinking apple, except I’ve never made an apple pie, so I’m eyeing this one from the Pioneer Woman. My mother will bring a sweet potato pie, but do we also need something cold or lemony? What about a cookie? A cookie laced with xanax, you say? Sounds perfect.

16 Nov 2010

Housekeeping.

Written by sally @ 10:34 am — Section: sally

1. Can I please toot my own horn and remind you of this awesome moment?

2. In other news, if you’re in a public restroom where two people are having a conversation, does etiquette dictate that you wait for a pause in their conversation before flushing?

3. Vanity tag found scribbled on a receipt from Taco Bell in my purse:
DATCHIQ

4. I learned recently that frankincense was once used as a contraceptive. I am hazy on the details, some sort of root mash barrier thing, but I am delighted that the news came just in time for the holidays.

5. I’m reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen. I am a little over halfway through, and find it infinitely better than The Corrections, which will always be a little ruined for me by the part with the turd (as will Gravity’s Rainbow, but that’s another story).

Shooting, Naturally.

Written by sally @ 10:22 am — Section: sally

In the summer of 1993 I worked at a grocery store in a little town out in east Texas, where my mother was living. I went on a date to the horse races with one of the baggers, and today I went hunting for him on Facebook.

The problem with looking for people you never did know all that well is that after you squint at the picture and factor in the ravages of time, it’s still nearly impossible to figure out if the person you’re looking at is the person you once ate a chimichanga with in Bossier City.

So I’m looking at this person a moment ago, and he is totally bald and has a beard. I have no photos of my chimichanga/horse race date, so I am relying merely on memory here. His photo is ridiculously small. Some info is available to people who are not yet his friend.

Activities: Shooting, Listening to Rush Limbaugh, Motorcycling
Music: Stevie Ray Vaughan
Interests: Anything About Guns, John Boehner

8 Nov 2010

Mental Rolodex Says: Places Stuck In.

Written by sally @ 8:53 am — Section: sally

I took Spike to a birthday party this weekend. Here is why I will never be able to fully mesh with the other parents. We were watching our kids play on some elaborate playground equipment with tunnels and passageways.

Someone’s mom: Uh-oh, looks like Billy is stuck up there.
Me: Hmm.
Someone’s mom: At a party at one of those bouncy places, Susie got stuck and they had to get someone who worked there to get her out!
Me: Oh, wow.
(pause)
Me: Hey, do you remember how on the McDonald’s playground, they used to have that hamburger tree thing that you could go into?
Someone’s mom: Sort of.
Me: When I was 17 I got stuck in one of those. Well, actually, my butt did.
Someone’s mom (looks at me, squints eyes): Are you serious?

Fin

4 Nov 2010

Really, Donna?

Written by sally @ 2:46 pm — Section: sally

Have I ever mentioned that when I wear my glasses, I get the impression that no one can see me, and thus, I openly stare at people? This comes in handy when I eat lunch alone. Today as I was enjoying a solo Mexican meal, I saw the following:

A woman in her mid-50s was sitting alone, waiting for someone. Every few minutes she checked her watch. Then a couple in their mid-20s came in, and the guy, who was apparently trying to be Matthew McConaughey, bellowed HEY THERE! YOU WAITING LONG? and went up and gave the woman a hug. I figured it was her son. Then:

Guy: (still bellowing) I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU ALREADY! WHITNEY’S TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU!
Whitney: (silence)
Whitney’s Mom: (flabbergasted, mumbles something)
Guy: (still bellowing) YEAH, YOU GUYS TALK A LOT. I MEAN, I KNOW WHITNEY TELLS YOU EVERYTHING. UH-HUH. YOU GOT SOME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP GOING.

Then they sat there in silence and studied the menu.

Meanwhile…

Some women were seated at the table next to me. I heard something go ping! ping! and saw that one of them had taken out her nail clippers and was cutting her fingernails. One of the other women said, “Really, Donna? At the table?”

Humans are so gross and weird. I love them!