28 Oct 2010

Lunch List.

Written by sally @ 11:25 am — Section: sally

Today during lunch I completed the following tasks:
1. went to Dollar Tree
2. avoided scary man outside of Dollar Tree
3. bought plates and napkins for Spike’s school Halloween harvest party tomorrow because I couldn’t remember if I signed up for plates or napkins
4. bought the cutest tiny tin of Danish butter cookies you ever did see
5. avoided scary man outside of Dollar Tree while walking to Fred’s next door
6. bought eggs and Hershey’s Kisses for cookie making tonight
7. listened to an argument between two Fred’s employees about who worked on Saturday (they both claim to, but one didn’t believe the other)
8. I was filling in for Monique, ok? because her auntie died
9. well I was here all day and I didn’t see you
10. yes I was here in the morning
11. well I was here from 10-9, 10-9
12. then muttering about how she needs to find a job where she doesn’t work weekends
13. went to Subway
14. I haven’t been to Subway in five years
15. now I remember why
16. it’s not that good
17. although it does smell great
18. maybe I should just go in and inhale deeply
19. there was a super hot/trashy girl sitting with a giant fat man
20. it was apparently a job interview
21. what kind of job is it where someone says, “Let’s meet at ye olde Subwaye to discuss”?
22. came back to work with two minutes to spare!
23. not that anyone is paying any attention
24. OR ARE THEY

18 Oct 2010

Puke and Die: The Sally J. Nordan Story.

Written by sally @ 7:45 pm — Section: sally

In the last batch of childhood my mother brought me, there were several gems: my most favorite and most horrible baby doll, whose hair has been cut, eyelashes been pulled out, and arm twisted behind her back; a Gumby phone that didn’t really work all that well in 1987, and an envelope marked DO NOT OPEN: THE CONTENTS WILL MAKE YOU PUKE AND DIE.

I was actually relieved to see the envelope — I hadn’t seen it in awhile and feared it had been tossed out. (Why I have this fear I don’t know. I keep everything, especially everything that is an envelope with the phrase “puke and die” on it.) The items that will make you puke and die are just a couple of notes and a cassette tape, memories of my first official boyfriend.

The part that is interesting in all this is not the notes — while I can’t remember the specifics, the fact that every single one of them starts with an apology does not bode well and make me angry in a very 10th grade way — it is the cassette tape. One day the boy and I were horsing around with the tape recorder in my kitchen (one of those under-the-cabinet deals) and recorded ourselves talking.

If I could bear to listen to the whole thing, it would make a much better blog entry than this, but I could only stand a few seconds of it, so this is all you get. Here is a transcript of the few seconds I listened to before the urge to puke and die overwhelmed me and I had to climb down from standing on Larry’s toilet because the only cassette player that still works in the house is on the top shelf in his bathroom. (Spike was on my bed watching me, asking, “What doing, Mommy? What doing?” Oh, Spike. It’s complicated, ok?)

Boy: Are your ears not pierced?
Me: No. Well, they ARE, but —
Boy: But you wear clip-ons?
Me: Yes.
(pause)
Me: My ears rot.

Oh, hi. I’m 15. A cute boy likes me and is taking an interest in my earlobes and I reveal that the reason I am wearing these cool vintage clip-ons is not because I am cool, but because my ears rot. While it’s true (they still do!), come ON, Sally.

I fear what else I might reveal. Could someone listen to it, transcribe it for me, and then gently let me know just how bad it is?

12 Oct 2010

Cringe. Sophomore Year Diary Edition.

Written by sally @ 2:33 pm — Section: sally

July 15, 1988:
The workshop was okay. I met a nerdy guy, a horrible girl, and an ugly girl. And I got an award.

Same date, under the heading GOALS FOR SOPHOMORE YEAR:
17. Use direct quotes from famous people as “quips”

January 4, 1989:
My god, I am so ugly. I mean, really gross.

Insults I Call Various People:
retarded dickhead
icky poo
cowette
dag
buttface

8 Oct 2010

No Harbor Was His Home.

Written by sally @ 2:17 pm — Section: sally

Sometimes I just want to eat a warm plate of…warm food. I kind of don’t care what it is and prefer it to be bland and a little mushy. These are the times I go to Piccadilly. I like going because I’m the youngest person there, plus there is the bonus of the warm plate of bland, mushy food only costing $4.99. (And sometimes there are salmon croquettes, which attract and repel me at the same time.) So I was leaving the Piccadilly yesterday and noticed a sweet Grandpa ride with the vanity tag PRA 4US. Better: shoe-polished on the back window, it said ALWAYS VOTE. You could interpret this as a public service announcement, but this is Jackson, and so I know that the subtext is “ALWAYS VOTE OR ELSE WE WILL GET ANOTHER BLACK PRESIDENT OH GOD.”

Meanwhile, “Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl)” was playing on the radio. I believe it is the only #1 Billboard Top 100 song to combine sailors, finest silver from the north of Spain, and whiskey. (Additionally, Wikipedia just told me that after the success of the song, Barry Manilow changed the name of his song to “Mandy,” not “Brandy.”)

To sum up: warm plate + crazy Grandpa + “Brandy” = pretty good moment.

1 Oct 2010

And I…Should Take the Road More Traveled By.

Written by sally @ 1:23 pm — Section: sally

From the work parking lot, there are two routes: via pavement and via the woods. It’s all pine straw and dirt and grass and leaves, and while I used to disdain the woods-walkers, I find myself going that way more often. Yesterday I was headed to the building and a giant stick (giant = 3″ long) fell into my sensible loafer. I then dumbly stopped and took my shoe off to get the stick out, but forgot I am wobbly and not a good balancer, so I had to put my bare foot on the ground. The dirty, pine-strawy, leafy ground. Then I had dirt and leaves stuck to the bottom of my foot because it was sweaty up in them loafers, and I stood on one foot again and scraped the leaves onto my pant leg with my other foot. Then I got to my office, took off my shoe, dumped three MORE leaves out of it, and went on my way. Last night after my shower I saw one leaf on my bathmat and another one in the tub.

I could not have created a better booby trap for myself. You win, mother nature!