30 Mar 2010

Marketing Genius.

Written by sally @ 9:04 am — Section: sally

Is there a contest where if you catch Russell Brand in a butterfly net at a Best Buy, you get a prize? Or did I have the most fantastic dream of all time this morning?

Dream sources:
1. Burger King “Where’s Herb?” campaign
2. Too many repeat viewings of Forgetting Sarah Marshall
3. Any number of Looney Toons cartoons involving people getting caught in butterfly nets

29 Mar 2010

Grievance Theater: The Pilot.

Written by sally @ 2:51 pm — Section: sally

Welcome to the cozy Grievance Theater! Tonight’s episode features topics that are currently under my skin and scribbled on a series of off-brand Post-its in my office!

Let us get started.

Grievance the First: This morning on the Today Show, the mother of a recently slain child was on because the police have arrested and charged a suspect. While it is certainly awesome that there is progress in the case, Ann Curry asking the mother something along the lines of “oh hey, up until last week, you thought your daughter had been asphyxiated, but now you know that she actually died in this heinous way” just set me OFF. First, I changed the channel to VH1, where I discovered that the Barenaked Ladies have a new single (but the charming chubby singer who wants to eat Kraft dinners was nowhere to be seen). I do not know a) what heinous fashion the child was killed in or b) how the mother reacted to this news. You know why? Because it’s none of my business. It’s none of yours, either. Or Ann Curry’s! On the one hand, I understand why a child’s abduction and murder are given lots of airplay. I watch. I’m interested and horrified. But there is a point (perhaps after the search has been called off, the body found, a suspect arrested) where I shouldn’t have access to that information.

Once upon a time, my friend was murdered. It was on the news, the trial was the top headline, and there are specials on Oxygen: Apparently Television for Women Who Love Crime about the case even now. Having to hear the details of what happened to her ON THE TELEVISION filled me with rage at the time. It was none of my business! It’s none of anybody’s business. It’s the family’s business. Go away. Go away, Ann Curry, and your gross question! Asking the mother directly, to her face via satellite, what she thought about the manner in which her child was murdered? Please. Get thee off my tv, and bring on the Barenaked Ladies, and if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, let’s bring on the song with the Chickety China the Chinese Chicken because that’s the one I know all the words to.

Grievance the Second: I am irritated by people who, when you tell them something they didn’t know, react like this: “How did YOU know that?” Once Larry and his coworker and I were having lunch together, and the coworker was reading out some trivia questions from the placemat (it was a classy establishment). The question had to do with the French word for eggplant. I said “aubergine,” which was correct, and then the coworker asked the question: “How did YOU know that?” Because I consider this person a huge dork, it irked me that he kept going on about how I knew something he didn’t. Y’all. We all know different stuff.

Do you know what I say when someone knows something I don’t? I say OH REALLY?

Grievance the Third: I do not enjoy it when people use the formal version of common words in order to sound more intelligent. Examples: vehicle, film (when the “film” is starring Nicholas Cage). Maybe I should’ve come up with more examples before listing this one. But still: VEHICLE. Come on.

Grievance the Fourth: When people say, “You have too much time on your hands” when they mean “I did not do what you did, but somehow you doing it bothers me, and thus, I must say something shitty instead of just saying ‘Oh look you did something I did not do.'” Case in point: I recently made some fairly kick-ass muffins for a Thing, and then upon delivery of muffins I discovered everyone else just bought their muffins, and my muffins were looked upon with disdain and like they were made by someone with too much time on her hands, and then the muffins were dumped into a basket unlovingly and the store-bought, CLEARLY INFERIOR muffins were dumped on top.

I wouldn’t be reduced to ragging on store-bought muffins (which I enjoy!) had my muffins been met with a “thanks!” instead of a You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands (YHTMTYH) sneer.

Well, that does it for this episode of Grievance Theater. I hope you’ll tune in next time, because this was sure entertaining, positive fun for everyone.

25 Mar 2010

TELEVISION, I LOVE YOU.

Written by sally @ 2:14 pm — Section: sally

American Idol:
Everyone sucks. Worst season ever. I find myself actually rooting for that 12-year old kid who sings ballads; at least he’s not Tim Urban.

Real Housewives:
I want — nay, need — more episodes featuring Simon and Alex sending their children into the other room and then 10,000 shots of the children sitting miserably on the couch waiting to return. Alex and Simon are weirdos, fo sho, but they are the closest thing to actual humans on the show, and I need more of their wacky life. And less Kelly.

Project Runway:
Is it me, or is this season really good? The only problem with ProjWay is that as the series has gone on, they have more talent and less crazies, which makes for thoughtful, interesting designs, but bad reality tee vee. Speaking of: I read in Food and Wine that Michael Voltaggio has two small children. Nicely played, Evil Voltaggio Brother!

Situation comedies:
30 Rock: is my #1 favorite, although Porn for Women? Sexist, and not even funny enough to justify it!
Community: is my #2 favorite. I am still not over cracking up at this.
The Office: has become unbearable.
Parks and Recreation: only gets recorded so we can watch the last 30 seconds of Community, which the TiVo always cuts off.

If I were at home right now, I’d delete this post and go watch some tv. But instead I’m at work, so I’ma press Publish.

3 Mar 2010

Quick, Someone Call Hoarders.

Written by sally @ 4:41 pm — Section: sally

The space between my bed and the bedside table is 7 1/2 inches wide.
In that space, I have a magazine rack.
The magazine rack is 5 inches wide.
Over time, after the magazine rack was full, I started piling books and magazines on top of it.
And on the sides.
This has been going on for awhile now.
After I put a Kleenex box on top of the pile the other day, the pile was as tall as the bed.
There are also a few books on the floor.
And under the bedside table.
And of course, on top of the bedside table.

Two nights ago I decided this was ridiculous, even though technically it wasn’t 100% slobby since most of it was off the floor. But then I started pulling books and magazines off the pile, and then when it became clear that it was comical I started counting.

Any guesses?

There were 42 magazines and catalogs. FORTY-TWO! They ranged in size from hefty Real Simples to thinnish Entertainment Weeklys. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there were also 16 books. I didn’t even include the six baby books that were in that mess too.

I can’t decide if I should be impressed with my piling abilities or ashamed of myself for not cleaning it out sooner.

Idle Comments.

Written by sally @ 8:27 am — Section: sally

I can contain my American Idol comments no longer!

I only have a few. This won’t take long.

1. The Tiny Vomiting Mulleteer did really well last night. Nothing is more endearing that hearing a small, frightened boy admit that he barfs before his performances.
2. Todrick Hall ruined “What’s Love Got to Do With It” by not understanding what the song was about. He sang it as a standard slow jam, when it is supposed to be a rumination of why you can be attracted to someone and not actually have feelings for them. (Which, ok, may be the point of most slow jams.) He just seemed to be singing some words without understanding what they meant.
3. While I thought Lee DeWyze (Dwyze? Duh, wise?) was better, I think the only reason the judges told him he was awesome was that he was the last one on last night and they got to go home.
4. I fear for Andrew Garcia.

See, that wasn’t so bad.

1 Mar 2010

This Post is Irrelevant.

Written by sally @ 3:19 pm — Section: sally

So yesterday I went to login and found not the lovable masthead that has been in place since 2005, but a plain black background with some annoying red words. Those words said something like “Ha ha! You’ve been running a ridiculously old-ass version of WordPress and we have found the cracks and hacked your site! We find your stories too hilarious too endure and must shut you down.” So anyway, my tech consult, gclark, said he couldn’t fix it, and then I whined to Total Choice Hosting, who said “oh yeah btw your version of WordPress is really old and perhaps you should rebuild your whole site from scratch” and then I just ignored the whole thing and so today I sent out an email to a few people alerting them to this OBVIOUSLY SEVERE CRISIS and I set up a temporary site because god knows I can’t go a few days without reporting something terribly important like a vanity tag that says WAR1812 and then I emailed Total Choice Hosting again and asked if they knew someone who could fix this for me, and after all of that gnashing and emailing, this nice man named Dick wrote me back and said OH HEY EVERYTHING IS FIXED.

So this post is moot. But still: WAR1812!