28 Oct 2009

O Kroger.

Written by sally @ 3:42 pm — Section: sally

Last week I accidentally bought applesauce with sugar in it and because I don’t want Spike to get used to it, today at lunch I went back to the grocery store to exchange it. I mean, come on, I’m going to return some applesauce? Dude, it’s a $1.99 6-pack of applesauce! Get over it. Throw it away, give it to someone, eat it, move on. But I really wanted to exchange it, and so I stood in line feeling mildly to moderately sheepish, and then the clouds parted and the angels sang, and any trace of “I am the kind of person who returns applesauce” vanished when I saw that the lady in front of me was returning a tube of Preparation H.

27 Oct 2009

Brothers and Sisters, Fast Forwarded.

Written by sally @ 6:51 pm — Section: sally

Hey look, it’s Sunday night’s episode of Brothers and Sisters, recapped and condensed into one scene!

Kitty: I have cancer, but I feel pretty good.
Nora: NO YOU DON’T I WANT YOU TO FEEL TERRIBLE SO YOU WILL NEVER LEEEEEEEEEAVE MEEEEEE SOB SOB
Robert: I am going to take you to an exciting Republican dinner! At the Reagan Library!
Kitty: I am so excited!
Holly: (aside) I have lost all of my money, but have not told anyone. Shh! Here comes my boyfriend, David.
David: Why so glum?
Holly: SHUT UP I HATE YOU
Scotty: Let’s have a baby!
Kevin: I want control over everything, all the time.
Scotty: I found this random purse maker to carry our child! Why aren’t you excited? The viewing public has never seen her before, but it’s all cool, y’all.
Frenchman: Oh, Walker fameely! Leet me chahm you wiz my dancing and, how you say, abs!
All the Walkers except for Nora: THAT GUY IS HOT.
Kitty: I am so excited about the Republican event!
Robert: Oh, about that. I have tricked you. It’s really a dinner for two inexplicably atop a building.
Kitty: I really wanted to see some Republicans. You don’t have to be such a show off with your annoying gestures, Robert.
Fireworks explode nearby.
Robert: Ahem.
Nora: FRET FRET FRET
Frenchman: Eet ees ok, Nora. Le French ave a saying, “Blah blah blah blah.” Let us dance.
Nora: All my problems are resolved, kind of! Scotty and Kevin used a dancing metaphor to sort out their surrogacy issue, Sarah apologized to me for screaming at me about telling the kids about Kitty’s cancer, Evan actually exists, and next week stupid Tommy comes back!

FIN

Note: I watched this episode on fast forward with the closed captioning on. It’s totally the way to go. I slowed it down to watch in regular time a couple of times, and would have died had I had to sit through that scene where Rebecca and Frenchie tango or whatever. Fast forward, suckas!

19 Oct 2009

I Remembered the Tenth Thing.

Written by sally @ 7:48 pm — Section: sally

If you had two 30″ gouges in your guest room wall that were arranged in such a way that you could not completely cover both with a picture/poster/hanging of some kind, which solution would drive you less insane?

a) covering both gouges somewhat with one picture
b) covering one gouge completely and leaving one gouge intact

I have done both, but am interested in which one seems less gross.

Updated! Here is how the gouges are arranged: (more…)

Nine Brief Things for a Monday.

Written by sally @ 3:03 pm — Section: sally

1. This morning while I was blowdrying my hair, I accidentally picked up a hammer instead of my brush. What? They both have handles, although the hammer was, unsuprisingly, ineffective.
2. I braved Wal-Mart on Saturday and could have submitted several things to People of Wal-Mart had I been quick or clever enough. I saw a 6 year old with a very pronounced mohawk (I mean shaved bald on the sides; totally not a faux hawk) and a lady with maybe 30 tiny bubbles and stars tattooed on the backs of each calf.
3. I’m reading Almost There by Nuala O’Faolain, which might be the weirdest memoir ever. She wrote a bestselling memoir, Are You Somebody? and a novel, My Dream of You, and this memoir is a memoir of writing the first two books. It sounds incredibly boring, and in a way it is, but she has a very easy voice to read, and now I am almost finished. I was going to write “I am almost there HA HA HA” but decided against it.*
4. Larry and I went to Oxford last weekend to see David Sedaris. Guess what: he is small and hilarious.
5. In a discussion where I had just told her I thought her line of reasoning was weird (weird being the nicest word to describe “ABSOLUTELY EFFING INSANE” that I could summon), my friend told me not to cry. People: I wasn’t about to cry. Apparently my about-to-cry face is the same as my your-line-of-reasoning-is-absolutely-effing-insane face. Who knew?
6. I keep having the urge to write inappropriate things as my Facebook status, such as:
Sally Nordan just realized she only peed once today. It was true!
7. I have a large amount of Christmas shopping already completed.
8. Spike has this awesome new habit of saying “ow,” then pinching me or Larry.
9. We went to the state fair on Saturday and I finally got to eat a fried Snickers! Years ago I saw an episode of Nigella Bites where she fried a Bounty bar and it was dark brown and crispy and made a satisfying crunching sound when the person bit into it. The biter also said it was like Christmas and your birthday all wrapped into one. That is what I wanted, but instead I got a warm Snickers wrapped in a thin, non-crunchy layer of batter. Sigh.

*I just Googled her to see if I spelled her name right (almost) and discovered that she died last year. It’s a bit of a shock to be reading someone’s memoir and imagining her alive the whole time, only to discover that she’s dead. I feel kind of weird.

15 Oct 2009

Recent Tagz!

Written by sally @ 12:43 pm — Section: Uncategorized

ILLKYOU
HOLESUM
VAMPYRE

Discuss, especially #1.

14 Oct 2009

Just a Note.

Written by sally @ 6:53 pm — Section: sally

When you have a small child and a terrible cat, you may find yourself eyeing something under a dining room chair and thinking to yourself, “Is that a grape or a turd?”

Turns out it was a grape. But there was a turd nearby.

That is all.

7 Oct 2009

Another Query.

Written by sally @ 1:33 pm — Section: sally

Has anyone read Three Junes by Julia Glass? I just started it and am already bored. Should I motor on, or should I just make some Grapejuice Dessert and watch tv instead?

5 Oct 2009

Selections from the Junior League of Baton Rouge’s 1959 River Road Recipes.

Written by sally @ 1:21 pm — Section: sally

I thought about pretending I was going to do a Julie and Julia ripoff with this cookbook, but I don’t have the energy for that. Besides, hearing the stomach-turning names of the dishes is the good part. I enjoy how most of the recipes in the book have these no-nonsense titles: Eggplant with Ground Meat Casserole and Noodles and Also Some Olives or Small Jar of Pimentos if Your Husband Doesn’t Like Olives. Such a simpler time. I actually use this cookbook often, but only for cakes and pies. Speaking of actually eating this stuff, there is exactly one recipe on this list that I would actually eat, even though it sounds weird. Can you guess what it is?

Cream of Peanut Soup. Onions and peanut butter, in soup form at last.
Sunday Night Quickie. Four eggs, one can undiluted chicken noodle soup. Combine and scramble. Serve hot on toast.
Sugar Steaks. Coat steaks in sugar. Grill. Serve.
Baked Cheese Sandwiches. So you take 12 slices of good old fashioned white bread and 6 slices of American cheese and make some sandwiches. Then you put them in a 13 x 9 Pyrex and bake them. Then you serve with cream of mushroom soup.
Ham on Pineapple. Take some ground ham. You know, GROUND HAM. Mix in a little mayo and mustard, then form into patties. Plop each patty on top of a slice of pineapple. Bake.
Ham Loaf. I thought these were the grossest two words together until I turned the page and read
Chicken Loaf. And then I died.
Grapejuice Dessert. Melt 16 marshmallows in 1/2 cup grape juice. Mix in whipped cream. Pour into individual dishes and refrigerate.
Horseradish Souffle. Ingredients: lemon jello, salt, vinegar, whipping cream, horseradish, parsley. Put on top of a piece of lettuce and eat as a salad. To be fair, the recipe says, “Tastes and looks better than it sounds.”
Cauliflower Relish.
Raisin Sauce for Ham.
Squirrel Pie.
Tuna Mold.
Jellied Chicken.
Chicken Mayonnaise. I think this is a main dish, not a condiment.

2 Oct 2009

Queries, Plus an Appearance from Spike.

Written by sally @ 1:27 pm — Section: sally

When you’re wearing a white shirt and eating a barbeque sandwich, do you ever reach down to wipe your hand on your napkin but, owing to the fact that you are also reading, don’t notice that you just wiped your hand on your shirt instead? Yeah, me neither.

Internet, would you spend two hours of your life sitting in a room talking about local hospitals for a focus group? What if they paid you $70 for your time? According to my calculations, $70 could buy me 14 more barbeque sandwiches or at least three sale-rack white shirts.

In other news, Spike says hi.