31 Jul 2009

Are You Secretly Sally Nordan?

Written by sally @ 2:00 pm — Section: sally

Take this quiz and find out!

1. You are at Walgreens and see that a 5-pack of Papermate mechanical pencils is $.19. What happens next?

a. You buy a package.
b. You buy two packages.
c. You have plenty of pencils at home and at work, so you don’t buy any.
d. You call your mom and tell her about the $.19 pencil sale. And then buy a couple packages.

2. You are buying diaper cream at Kroger. The A&D, your usual brand, is $4.79. The Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, which is usually an insane $10.99, is on sale for $4.79. What happens next?

a. You stand there deliberating for a REALLY long time and end up buying the A&D.
b. But you are haunted by the savings you passed up.
c. But you don’t even like Boudreaux’s!
d. I know! It’s too thick.
e. Still, that’s over a $6 savings.

3. You are glad your child will try new foods, but deliriously happy he has rejected what item?

a. pickles
b. crickets
c. dog biscuits
d. radishes

4. Do you ever check your voicemail?

a. Yes
b. No

5. You are in the living room watching tv. Your husband turns on the radio in the kitchen. What happens next?

a. Nothing. What do you care if he’s listening to the radio?
b. The sound of dueling noises causes all your teeth to fall out.

6. What about if he turns on the tv in the other room and it’s loud enough that you can hear it?

a. Same thing.

7. You have a tattoo. What is it?

a. a teddy bear holding a bunch of balloons
b. your own name in case of amnesia
c. The words “I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside”
d. that 5-petal flower everyone doodles while on the phone

8. When you hear the word “unfair,” is the first thing you think of Unferth, Beowulf’s nemesis/buddy?

a. Yes
b. No
c. This is the dumbest question ever

27 Jul 2009

A Recap Plus a [REALLY LONG] Book-Related Rant.

Written by sally @ 3:40 pm — Section: Uncategorized

1. Overheard in Jackson:
Lady on cell phone examining cans of peaches at Kroger: “They’re about to pull the plug on him and I can’t even get there!”

2. The other day I had some warm laundry that had just come out of the dryer and thought Pete might like lounging in it. Stupid. What he enjoyed doing was pooping in it. Oh, and THEN I didn’t notice the turds and threw a quilt over the laundry because I didn’t feel like folding it and DAMN MY LAZINESS because then Pete peed on the quilt. So, to recap, Pete pooped and peed in my laundry. Which, incidentally, was on the guest bed.

3. So, The Wire. I made it through season one, but I don’t think I can proceed. Sometimes shows do things that are JUST TOO MEAN FOR ME. And there was this character that they went out of their way to portray as a good guy and he took care of all the little abandoned project children and gave them juice boxes and bags of chips for lunch (which is tragic in its own right) and then OH YEAH HIS FRIENDS JUST SHOT HIM DEAD. I just — I can’t go on. Who else are you gonna kill off, The Wire? Huh? HUH?

4. If you thought a book was pretty good until the end, does that make it a good book or a bad book? Here, let me explain: I read The Ghost Writer the other weekend (my in laws were in town, thus I had time to read an entire book), and while it was kind of good there for awhile, I found the ending so awful, so STUPID, that the whole book is totally tainted now.

If you have any interest in reading this book, look away! ‘Cause I’ma telling you all about it now.
So there is this little boy named Gerard who lives in Australia, and while his mother is asleep he sneaks into her bedroom and finds this photo of a woman and a short story. Mom comes in, finds him, and beats the crap out of him. Several years later, he finds the story again, which the reader gets to read as well (I love that conceit). When he’s 13 or so, he gets a letter in the mail from a penpal service. He signs up. His penpal is named Alice. She is also 13 and is an orphan whose parents were killed in a car accident that paralyzed her. She and Gerard become best buddies. Years go by and Gerard wants to visit her, but she keeps putting him off. He goes to England for some reason or other, doesn’t visit her, but does read two more short stories by the same author as the secret one. It turns out the author is his great-grandmother, who raised his mother. His mother, btw, never talks about her past. So ok, more years go on, and Gerard has become a librarian who lives with his mother. She has cancer but actually dies by falling off of a stool in her room, trying to get something out of a cabinet. Another short story!

Gerard places an ad in a London newspaper asking for info about his mother and her family. An old lady named Abigail writes to him and says that she is his aunt Anne’s best friend. (He didn’t know he had an aunt.) Apparently there was a big scuffle and his mother was cut from the will. Abigail fears that Gerard’s mother killed her sister. Abigail also tells him where to find the keys to the family estate, and asks him to see if he can find anything there that might explain what happened 50 years ago.

Ok, so if you are the kind of person who likes stories like this — librarians, short stories, family estates, family secrets — this book is rocking along at this point. Gerard goes to England and explores the spoooooky family estate over the course of several days. He continues to write to his penpal, Alice, throughout (they have graduated to email by this time) and as he learns more about the family secrets, he tells her about each day’s find.

AND THEN (are you still reading? bless you) comes the big moment. Gerard is creeping through the house. He gets locked in the basement. He starts a fire to keep warm, but of course that is a terrible idea and fire rages and the smoke overtakes him and he passes out. When he comes to, the fire is out, he is sopping wet, AND THERE IS A BUCKET NEARBY. What? There’s someone here! He never did explore the third floor of the house, so something compels him up there after his brush with a fiery death. He goes into the bedroom, and instead of a crusty dusty bookcase like in all the bedrooms, there’s. . . a computer? Wha? And there are folders and folders full of. . .his emails to Alice?

So, reader. If you are thinking what I was thinking, it is this: his auntie Anne has been creepily writing him letters under the guise of being a girl his age. She responded to the ad in the paper and there is no such person as the elderly Abigail. Well, you’re part right! They are one and the same. EXCEPT THAT AUNTIE ANNE/ALICE/ABIGAIL IS A GHOST. Ghosts can move things around, but friends, ghosts can’t write letters, pour buckets of water on your flaming body, or send fucking email. I have never been more pissed off than when it’s revealed that it’s a FUCKING GHOST. A ghost! To add insult to injury, the ghosty person traps Gerard in the room and tries to make out with him! And it is then that he sees that the ghosty person has ONE ROTTING EYEBALL IN HER SKULLY HEAD.

I can’t tell you how angry I was. After all that time! Come on! Gerard and the stories and the penpal and the cancerous mother and then YOU GIVE ME A ONE-EYED ROTTING SKULL GHOST WHO SENDS EMAIL? So angry. SO ANGRY.

I think I’m still angry.

(However, if you like books like this [but without the fucking one-eyed ghost emailer], you should read Possession and/or The Thirteenth Tale.)

17 Jul 2009

Nice Spelling it Out, Sir.

Written by sally @ 2:54 pm — Section: Uncategorized

This afternoon I talked to a gentleman who was looking for the side effects of a medication he is currently on. He talked and talked for several minutes, then said this:

Let me spail this at for you in semple terms. Ah maht’ve run mah mouth too much and you maht not’ve gotten it. AH WONT TO KNOW HOW MANY LAIGS THIS OCTOPUS HAS.

16 Jul 2009

Attention, Please!

Written by sally @ 1:07 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I was at Big Lots at lunch and they had this item for sale:

OBAMA INAUGURAL LAVA LAMP. $26.00.

Let us recap: it is a lava lamp. With the president’s likeness on it.

That is all.

15 Jul 2009

Sowing the Seeds of Nuggets.

Written by sally @ 3:33 pm — Section: Uncategorized

There is a special item at Long John Silver’s right now, according to the commercials, people! It’s called the Baja Fish Taco. For a moment, let us imagine what a Baja Fish Taco might be, even at a fried fish emporium. Most fast food places now offer fake healthy items (KFC grilled chicken, anyone? Oprah?), so I imagined it would be a fish-shaped object with fake grill marks wrapped in a tortilla. OH NO. It is a FRIED fish-shaped object, “crumblies,” and “baja sauce” wrapped in a tortilla. Why do I think that’s so funny? Funny enough to write down, then type out to tell you about?

Spike is fond of pulling books off the bookshelf, and almost every day, even if he isn’t in a particularly book-pulling mood, he pulls one particular book off the shelf and throws it on the floor. It’s Our Town by Cynthia Carr. Is he trying to tell me something? I haven’t read it, but…maybe I should.

So I got my hair cut at a new place last week, which was good because my usual hairdresser tends to give me a good haircut approximately every third time I come to see her. Anyway, we all know that hairdressers tend to lavish compliments on their customers, as this results in higher tips. (Once I was at the Gap and there was this girl stationed at the door apparently assigned to compliment the customers as they came in. I heard her tell someone her hair was cute, that she liked another person’s purse, and then she said this to me: “I like the way your jeans fit you.”) However, my new hairdresser took it a little far, as these are the compliments I received:

1. “That’s a cute outfit.”
2. “You’ve got great style.”
3. “What? You have a baby? But you’re so thin!”
4. “You remind me of Scarlett Johanssen. Do you get that a lot?”

The only compliment I was willing to believe was number one. Number two feels generic, number three is obviously disingenuous, and number four…oh, number four. I was going to say that I was the opposite of Scarlett Johanssen, but the exact opposite would be, say, Urkel. However, I am not disparaging myself by saying I HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON WITH SCARLETT JOHANSSEN, ESPECIALLY IN MY BRA.

11 Jul 2009

Clearance! I Love Thee.

Written by sally @ 2:12 pm — Section: Uncategorized

This morning I was well-prepared to buy a pair of baby shorts at Target for $3, but they rang up for FIFTY-NINE CENTS.

That’s all I have. Isn’t that enough?

7 Jul 2009

A Portrait of My Home This Evening.

Written by sally @ 6:12 pm — Section: sally

Here was what was happening in my house about an hour ago: Spike was pissed off, tired, screaming, and ready for bed. We went to start running his bath water and discovered that Pete had exploded all over the bathroom.

Turds. Turds and barf and a pile of something that could’ve been either one. Pete is fond of barfing into an article of clothing or a towel and then politely folding the garment in half — this time it was the rug that looked like it had just fallen, folded and barfless, out of the cabinet. Because Spike was a thrashing howler monkey and was attached to my person, I dumped him into the pack and play, which he did not appreciate, and which caused the already horrifying noises to come out of his tiny body to become louder and more murderous. So then I threw away the rug, dumped Pete’s litter box, refilled it, and coughed through a cloud of dust kicked up by the cheap clay litter Pete’s delicate sensibilities insist upon (he does not care for clumping kind, thank you very much, and he does not care for scented litter — and, while he is an asshole, when Pete insists upon something, I listen). THEN I had to mop the bathroom, all the while listening to Spike scream and sob.

Spike continued to sob through his bath, pausing occasionally to laugh at his bath toys. It sounded like this: WAH WAH WAH HA HA HA HA! (pause) WAH WAH WAH WAH. Then he cried through drying off, getting his pajamas on, and me fixing his nighttime bottle. The moment the child was finished with the bottle, he threw it on the floor and passed out.

And I totally forgot to tell you that when we were coming back into the living room I could totally smell cat turds and knew that my turd wrasslin’ wasn’t over for the night, but it turned out to be pretty easy to find because there was a carefully folded baby blanket on the floor. Pete is like one of those serial killers who can’t resist leaving a calling card.

Anyway, hi! Hope you’re having a good night.

1 Jul 2009

Nuggetaboutit.

Written by sally @ 3:59 pm — Section: Uncategorized

So I was correct: bragging about Spike’s food consumption was just asking for him to throw all his dinner on the floor. I keep threatening to throw all my food on the floor, too, just to see what the appeal is, but as I will also be the one to have to mop it up, I just can’t bring myself to do so.

In Facebook news, yesterday I defriended someone for the first time. Oh, what fun! I would consider defriending the author of the following status messages if I didn’t find them so irritatingly entertaining:

Jenny McHappy Elation is gonna DRINK SOME ICE TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~WOOOO~~and then I’m gonna TAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny McHappy Elation LOVES CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Watch out b. crocker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny McHappy Elation is gonna cook up some SKETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Yum!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then her friends comment that she is such a good cook, can they come over for dinner, et cetera. I can only hope that somewhere, Jenny McHappy Elation has an exclamation point-laden blog where she is writing the following:

Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have the most BORING facebook friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She doesn’t use ANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet if she ate my sketty she would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL Gotta go drink some KOOLAID and jump in da pool OH YEAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made this the other day. It was worth it. I ignored those stupid berries, though.

Can we just forget I said I was going to read Lolita? Thanks. I just read Can You Ever Forgive Me? Memoirs of a Literary Forger by Lee Israel. Do you like tiny memoirs where people pretend to be sorry for the things they did but are really very proud of their work because their forgeries are hilarious? You’ll love this, then. Here’s some stuff about it.