26 May 2009

I Hardly Ever Write These Down Anymore, But Lo: Two in One Parking Lot!

Written by sally @ 2:00 pm — Section: Uncategorized

RDY2ROC
FASTANG

www.boringblogpost.com.

Written by sally @ 9:10 am — Section: sally

I think there is a rule — ok, fine, I made up this rule — that if you’re browsing the Daedalus Books catalog and find items you’ve been wanting for years, it’s totally ok to buy them because they are now $5. Who cares that you ran out of bookshelves years ago? (I just ordered The Selected Letters of Martha Gelhorn and The Man of My Dreams by Curtis Sittenfeld.)

Speaking of books, this has been a great reading year so far. I just updated my book list here (mostly for my own purposes, but you’re welcome to look at it, too) and am impressed at how few duds I’ve read this year (uh, can you guess which ones I had to read for work?). Sunday I started reading Wesley Stace’s by George and ohmygod it is awesome. I kind of approached it with a sneer and a sigh because it concerns itself with — prepare yourselves — a ventriloquist dummy, but literally two pages into it I was won over. I loved his first book, Misfortune, and I should’ve trusted that the second one would be just as good. It’s better, in fact. I am at the point in my reading where I’m slowing down because if I keep going, it’ll be over too soon.

In unrelated news, I started making this list the other day:
Things That Are Boring, Internet-Style
1. Blog posts about your blog, including a list of the search terms that led people to your site.
2. Tweets about Twitter.
3. Facebook statuses that are this:
Jimmy McGuggenheim is.

In further unrelated news, are you people watching Make Me a Supermodel? If so, did you cry big tears when the beautiful Salome got booted last week? I can’t believe grody Branden is still there but SALOME is gone. I am rooting for Jonathan, if only because he always refers to his son as his “baby boy.” Also: The Fashion Show is a perfectly fine replacement for Project Runway. Apparently I just need a tv show where people are flamboyant, hate each other, and have 15 minutes to make a dress out of a pile of pencil shavings. I don’t care who the host is. Bring on the claws/goofy challenges, people!

Also: American Idol. Who saw that coming? It’s funny: I spent the whole season not understanding why people liked getting their eardrums burst by Adam’s shrieking, but then was kind of devastated that he didn’t win.

19 May 2009

Long Time No Nugget.

Written by sally @ 12:17 pm — Section: Uncategorized

• We keep Lulu’s leash and collar in a bowl on a table by the front door, and if you go near the bowl or heaven forbid, touch the bowl so that the collar jangles a little, she goes nuts and thinks it’s time for a walk. The other day Pete dropped his mousie into the bowl and then dug around in it trying to get mousie out, and Lulu actually jumped up and ran over to him with her little puppy eyebrows up and her tail wagging. Like Pete was going to take her for a walk. I love Lulu, but sometimes she’s such a dog.

• I was totally into American Idol this season, but after Allison was booted, I lost interest in that sausage party. And such uninteresting sausages, too! I was still rooting for the widowed sausage but now that he’s gone, I just cannot bring myself to care for the screaming sausage or the stale sausage. You should type “sausage” a few times and see how doing so compels you to KEEP TYPING IT. Sausage!

• A few weeks ago I told you about my friend from high school, JP, who used to throw me around onto vaguely cushioned surfaces, and how we’d become friends again on Facebook. I was looking through my high school journals for ammunition to use against him and found some intriguing information instead.

A Recap of My Junior Year in High School: A List by Sally J. Nordan

JP is awesome! I love him!
Today I thought we were going to make out but instead we wrestled a lot.
JP is mad at me.
I apologized to JP today.
We wrestled some more.
I hate JP.
I love him!
Wrestling!
Mad again.
Apologized again.
More wrestling.
No making out. Just more wrestling.

You see where this is going, don’t you? JP is gay. Of course he is! It all makes sense! He didn’t have dreams of WWF! He just didn’t want to make out with a girl. It’s kind of heartbreaking and sweet and it makes me want to get in a time machine and pat him on the head and tell him it’s ok and that he can stop pinning me down with his elbow now.

12 May 2009

Items Found in the Pocket of a Coat I Just Put On.

Written by sally @ 8:19 am — Section: sally

Grocery list:
yogurt
toilet paper
tampons
chicken
bagels

Note:
PQ 2249. G75*
PR 3629. R6**

You can be the president…I’d rather be the pope.

Grocery list:
eggs
foil
Saran wrap
kitty litter
mint tea
garbage foot bags [WHAT DOES THIS MEAN]
reg. aspirin

Receipt from Save-Rite Grocery Warehouse, 1/10/04: $7.60

Receipt from Wal-Mart, 1/17/04: 93.76

Grocery list:
breadcrumbses***
ground beefs***
sack o’ potatoeses***
chicken breastses***
cokes
fettucine
frozen rolls
boogers***

*A book about Flaubert.
**A book about “The Rape of the Lock.”
***I seem to recall that this list was edited by Gorjus while I was on the phone.

7 May 2009

Feel Free to Offer Sitcom Titles if You Wish.

Written by sally @ 9:28 am — Section: Uncategorized

Last night I heard Pete barfing in the hall. I got up to take care of it so no dogs or babies would step in it (or worse, eat it) in the morning. I went into the bathroom to get a wad of toilet paper to scoop it up with and that is when I had my genius idea: there was an old diaper laying on the floor of the bathroom, one that I took off right before he got into the tub, and one that had minimal damage (hence it laying on the bathroom floor). I then scooped up the cat puke, inserted it into the diaper, and considered myself a genius.

This morning I invented a wacky Laverne and Shirley-esque sitcom plot wherein Larry was to take a Spike poop sample to the doctor for analysis and instead grabbed the cat puke diaper, which would result in many frightening test results and calls to various child protective services agencies because we have been feeding our child Iams. And then at the end of our 22-minute ordeal when everything was resolved we would all laugh while Larry grabbed a handful of it and said, you know, this stuff’s not half bad!

That’s all. Carry on.

6 May 2009

Non-Sequitur Nuggets.

Written by sally @ 1:24 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I might’ve proclaimed my love for this before, but we’ve reunited recently and our love cannot be stopped: cheesecake-flavored spready cream cheese. Dudes. Just try it. It will change your life.

If you have a scaly, eczema-ridden baby, I highly recommend Baby Phisoderm for all your baby washing needs. You can only get it online and it comes in a pack of six bottles, but it lasted us a whole year. It smells awesome, too: authentically babylike.

So, I read Twilight. While I certainly see the appeal of Edward (pretty, feels like marble), I have major problems with some of the more implausible plot points (Bella tells her cop dad “I’m outta here” and he just lets her go? no way) and even majorer problems with the overuse of adverbs, Sally wrote wryly.

However, I also recently read a fantastic book, which, if you live in Mississippi, you are hereby required to read: Kathryn Stockett’s The Help. Set in Jackson in the 60s, it’s just heartbreaking and interesting and funny and well-written and if you’re from here you will die every time a character walks down Belmont and turns onto Myrtle or when someone shops at the Jitney 14. It is not my #1 all-time favorite contemporary novel about Mississippi — always and forever, I pledge my troth to The Heaven of Mercury by Brad Watson — but it is a great book.

Eating sushi in my car makes me feel like a homeless person, albeit one who found a few dollars on the ground and decided to go purchase some grocery store sushi, which is surprisingly not terrible sushi actually.

I had a dream the other night that The Rock was trying to get it on with me in my state senator’s front yard. When I told Mr. The Rock that while I was flattered, we were certainly in different eschalons of attractiveness, he feigned confusion until I pointed at his thigh as evidence.

Spike took a few steps yesterday at school! While I was not there to see it, luckily, the janitor was and demonstrated Spike’s moves for me when I went to pick him up yesterday.

3 May 2009

Perhaps.

Written by sally @ 6:04 pm — Section: Uncategorized

Last night Spike started screaming around 12:30 — sometimes he cries out in his sleep, but this was more of a bad-dream scream — and when I looked into his crib I was very surprised that he was alone. Where is the other baby and the koala bear? I wondered. Then I realized that I had been dreaming.

OMG MAYBE HE WAS DREAMING THAT AN EXTRA BABY AND A KOALA BEAR WERE IN HIS CRIB.