25 Feb 2009

No Skissors!

Written by sally @ 3:29 pm — Section: Uncategorized

When my work email system shifted from Lotus to Outlook way back in 2005, I printed out all the emails I thought I would need, which was like, all of them, and two folders’ worth have been rotting in my office drawer untouched ever since. Today I went through them and threw all but one away.

In October of 2005, my friend Ankles and I had been emailing back and forth about about her love life and she came up with a Never Again list, reproduced here for your enjoyment:

1. Boys with thin hair who wear it long and in a ponytail.
2. Committed Christians of any denomination.
3. Lovers of old, tattered tie-dyed tank tops.
4. Boys who laugh on roller coaster rides.
5. Boys who insist that I shave my legs.
6. Boys who don’t notice when they have overgrown toenails.
7. Boys who get mad and pouty when they are losing at Scrabble.
8. Boys who, if I break up with them, might say, “What am I going to tell my parents?”
9. Boys who regularly and intentionally mispronounce common objects, like calling scissors, skissors.

24 Feb 2009

Tomorrow I’m Signing Up for AARP.

Written by sally @ 8:26 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I think I’m getting old. Today someone accidentally farted in my presence and I didn’t even laugh.

18 Feb 2009

The Train of Thought That Led to My Death.

Written by sally @ 12:20 pm — Section: sally

• This car was in front of me with the license plate WATTSUP.
• I wondered if they were just dumb, or maybe their last name was Watts.
• Then I thought about how if lightbulbs greeted each other, they would totally say “watts up.”
• Imagining lightbulbs talking to each other reminded me of how, when I would ask my college boyfriend to turn on a light, he would walk up to it and say, “Hey baby” in a Barry White voice.
• This reminded me of how I was stalking my college boyfriend on Facebook and noticed that HE IS FRIENDS WITH MY EX-HUSBAND.
• Then I got back to my office, checked college boyfriend’s page for activity, and saw this:
“[Your College Boyfriend] accepted a J. R. R. Tolkien from [Your Ex-Husband] using Mid-Evilists.”
• And then I died.

17 Feb 2009

Things for Tuesday.

Written by sally @ 4:31 pm — Section: Uncategorized

1. I am already experiencing party anxiety over Spike’s first birthday party…which is over two months away. After looking at some photos of some recent first-birthday parties online, I am already feeling sorry for Spike and his homemade, not-covered-in-fondant, lopsided, crumbs-all-in-the-frosting cake. With his name spelled wrong on it. And maybe some dog hair thrown in for good measure.

2. Today at lunch, some ladies and I shared a dessert that had a warm peach sauce on it. Afterwards, one lady said, “Wow, those apples were delicious!” Another said, “No, that was pineapple.” There was still a tiny UFO* floating in the bowl, so I took it and cut it in half with a knife, and because the chef was apparently milling about the dining room and this looked so ridiculous, he brought us a piece of the most delicious chocolately cream cheesey pie ever. So, score one for being UNABLE TO IDENTIFY FRUIT.
*unidentified fruit object

3. I bought a book on Sunday almost 100% because of the cover. It’s a photograph of some English schoolboys from the 70s, and the main one, who has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, looks like Hugh Grant. You should take my book recommendations seriously, as they are based on intellectual criteria.

4. Speaking of, I recently did one of those Facebook notes where you mark all the books you’ve read, etc, only I was unprepared for the comments people left, such as YOU HAVEN’T READ SHERLOCK HOLMES? WHAT ARE YOU, DUMB? and sad messages that will look even sadder if I italicize them, like this one: You are really missing out by not reading The Kite Runner. I felt my list was pretty solid, and personally did not feel the need to berate anyone for not having read things, but hey, what are judgmental acquaintances for? While we’re on the subject, I should tell you that I will never read the following books:
–A Confederacy of Dunces
–anything by Tolkien
–anything involving hobbits, goblins, or hoblins

5. Vanity tags:

6. I am trying to post more. Bear with me. There may be lots more posts like this one.

12 Feb 2009

O Nugget, My Nugget. I Think I’ve Used That One Before.

Written by sally @ 4:10 pm — Section: sally

• I have a question. If someone says, referring to a lady, “Hubba hubba,” what do you imagine that lady looking like? (I think of a cartoon lady in a red dress with big boobs and a fur stole.)

• I kind of said I wasn’t going to collect vanity tags anymore, and lo, the world opened up to me, and yea, there were many tags:

Dude. Those are awesome.

• When you’re feeling tired and like learning the characters of a new book would be as exhausting as getting to know a group of new friends, do you reach for old books that you know inside and out? If so, then you’ll understand why I am reading From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler for the nine-hundredth time.

• Larry’s dad, who is sweet as pie, is a bit of a dunderhead. I mean that in the nicest way. He’s an adorable dunderhead! An adorable, generous dunderhead! So he was telling Larry about how you can rent movies from the grocery store.

Larry’s dad: And it’s only a dollar a day!
Larry: Well, don’t you keep them for like a week?
Larry’s dad: Well, yeah. But they have all the new releases!
Larry: So what’d you get?
Larry’s dad: Journey to the Center of the Earth.
Larry: …
Larry’s dad: They were out of everything good.
Larry: (laughing)
Larry’s dad: Hey, do you know how to turn off the 3D on a movie? Journey to the Center of the Earth is in 3D and it’s hurting my eyes.
Larry: I don’t think you can turn it off. You need 3D glasses.
Larry’s dad: I can just wear my sunglasses, right? That’s the same thing as 3D, right?
Larry: No.

• In other news, it appears that I can only write posts in nugget form now.

4 Feb 2009

Nuggets! Now with More Nug.

Written by sally @ 3:02 pm — Section: Uncategorized

• Why are endocrinologists, as a whole, such dicks? I understand dickish anesthesiologists because THEY WIELD THE POWER, but the encodrine system is just so lame. I saw mine this morning after skipping my yearly visit last year since my ob/gyn was managing my thyroid during my pregnancy, and y’all, this man acted like it was 1979 again and he was in my first grade class and he didn’t get an invite to my birthday party. His nurse-esque person warned me that he was going to fuss at me. Wha? Really? Then he came in, made a big deal that I let someone else test my precious blood, and actually said, “That’s water under the bridge now” when I asked if it would be helpful to have my other doctor fax him the thyroid test results. Water under the bridge! That is what you say when you catch someone in a lie and they apologize half-assedly and you want them to think you’re over it but you’re not really over it.

• I may have seen the best vanity tag ever the other day: OHH YEA. I just don’t think that can be topped.

• Last week I was all riled up because my mother was in town and we had this conversation:

Mom: Do I need to clean your tub?
Me: I don’t know. Do you feel like cleaning my tub?
Mom: When’s the last time you cleaned it?
Me: Sunday.
(Editor’s note: this conversation happened on Thursday.)
Me: Yes.
Mom: Sunday Sunday? Sunday like 5 days ago Sunday?
Me: Yes.
Mom: So the tub the baby is going to bathe in hasn’t been cleaned since Sunday.
Me: That is correct.
Mom: I’m going to go clean the tub.

I was enraged at the time and spent the whole of Friday quizzing people on how often they clean their tubs. Then I decided my mother is insane and got over it.

• I’m trying really hard not to talk about all the funny things I see on Facebook every time I post something, but man, I find that the “Info” tab is a goldmine. Today I discovered a friend from middle school is into tequila!!! and HOT GUYS WITH GREAT ASSES!!!!!!!!!!! I think she was in my Girl Scout troop. I wonder if there is a merit badge for tequila.