30 Jan 2009

Spike Dearest.

Written by sally @ 8:10 am — Section: sally

Because he is a good little internet baby, Spike knew all the posts about him were under the “no wire hangers” category. (more…)

28 Jan 2009

Twitchy! Sanctified!

Written by sally @ 10:45 am — Section: Uncategorized

• 2WITCHY
7TITHRS
SNKTFYD

I get twitchy, I get sanctified* (although it took me a minute), but 7TITHRS? The Diplomat sent me that one. My guess is “seven tithers” and his is “seven tit hours.” Any other guesses?

• I’ve been reading (slowly, I may add) Decline and Fall by Evelyn Waugh. I aspire to write a truly silly book one day (complete with ridiculous character names) and have some blurbist write on the back that my book is “in the spirit of Waugh’s Decline and Fall; a true nonsensical masterpiece.” I have the feeling it took Waugh approximately two weeks to write and that he was drunk a lot during the process. One day, I shall give myself a drunken two weeks alone with a typewriter and see what happens. I have a feeling it would be something like this:

Onec upon a tine there was a nam maned Horace McSludgebucket and omg I’m so drunkkkk

• Do you know about Sexy People? What about Fuck You, Penguin? You’re welcome, internet.

• Jaxxonians, have you been to the downtown Keifer’s and had a burger lately? The burger with the mozzerella AND THE FETA DRESSING? Jesus. I ate one yesterday and could eat another four or so today, too.

• Also, gorjus killed John Updike.

*These sound like awesome song lyrics.

22 Jan 2009

The Answers.

Written by sally @ 3:20 pm — Section: sally

1. Larry’s dream was that he was at a used car lot and that two guys dressed as Hitler and Colonel Sanders began to kick his ass. I think it was a rather terrifying dream and I was being unsupportive by reaching for a pad of paper and taking notes as he was talking the other morning.

2. TRUE. Larry totally watches Kyle XY. Is it Kyle’s lack of bellybutton that intrigues Larry? I have no idea. He also watches Numb3rs. And another show I am not allowed to tell you about.

3. I spelled c. wrong. It’s Cholula hot sauce. The stuff goes on everything, people.

4. Pretty much all of the answers are acceptable, as he has expressed all of them at some point or other. When I first met him, he skewed heavily toward the “someone stole it” camp, but now I think he’s more firmly in the “my wife did something with it” camp. The other morning he couldn’t find his jeans or a pair of khakis and he said, “This is bullshit!” really loudly, which I thought was funny. Oh, and then

5. they were in his drawer (c).

20 Jan 2009

A Quiz About Larry!

Written by sally @ 3:09 pm — Section: sally

1. The other night Larry had a dream that he was getting his ass kicked by which two people?
a. Hitler and Colonel Sanders
b. Abraham Lincoln and Janet Reno
c. Napoleon and Jimmy Carter
d. Dick Cheney and Nelson Mandela

2. True or false: Larry watches Kyle XY.

3. Larry puts what substance on 90% of his meals?
a. salsa
b. sriracha
c. Chiluha hot sauce
d. ranch dressing

4. When Larry cannot find something, his first thought is what?
a. “My wife, in one of her cleaning frenzies, has put my stuff somewhere where I will never find it.”
b. “I bet someone stole it out of my car/off the front porch/off my back.”
c. “This is bullshit!”
d. Something else where I am to blame

5. Nine times out of ten, where is the object Larry’s looking for?
a. Already in his hand
b. Totally out in the open with a red neon arrow pointing to it
c. In its designated drawer or closet
d. In the super-secret hiding place where I hide all of his things

15 Jan 2009

Libarian At Larrge.

Written by sally @ 2:49 pm — Section: Uncategorized

Some interesting words/phrases I encountered when reviewing applications for an open position:

In describing job duties: Destory records after one year
In stating job title: Libarian
In listing additional skills: Listerns carefully
Can’t remember why this word came up, but I wrote it down on my list: Larrge
In a response to the question, “Did you graduate?” 5

9 Jan 2009

Car Talk.

Written by sally @ 12:50 pm — Section: Uncategorized

RLL TD
BYMISELF

Painted on the back window of a car:

Everyday
I’m
Hustl’n

8 Jan 2009

Just a Note.

Written by sally @ 8:15 am — Section: sally

You know what I hate? When people say “Thanks in advance” in an email. It’s so presumptuous. A friendly “Thanks!” closes almost every work email I send, but there’s something mildly threatening about “thanks in advance.” I know you will do exactly what I asked, the person seems to be saying, because look! I already thanked you, and now you are in my debt.

7 Jan 2009

Facebook Stats.

Written by sally @ 9:09 am — Section: sally

Percentage of people I went to elementary/middle/high school with who are now Republicans: 90%

Actual fan pages of a girl I had a few classes with in 10th grade:
Target
Pizza Hut
Dallas Cowboys
Jeff Dunham

Average number of exclamation points in my cousin’s status messages: 5

Percentage of status updates from a middle school friend that are about working out: 100%

Number of Facebook friends who have obviously had plastic surgery: 1

Percentage of status updates from a girl I went to geometry summer school with that I copy and paste into emails and send to other people: 95%

Percentage of those status messages that reference xanax or tattoos: 50%

Percentage of those status messages that reference her love life: 40%

Percentage of those status messages that reference her child, who she named after a cabbage: 10%

Number of times per day I call or gchat Larry with some tidbit garnered from Facebook: one million

3 Jan 2009

Cougars! Barf! Book Love!

Written by sally @ 8:47 pm — Section: Uncategorized

My father-in-law (who is happily married, btw) said he was going out on New Year’s Eve to find him a cougar with a lot of money to take care of him. Then Larry pointed out that the lady in question would have to be around 90 to qualify as a cougar for a 65-year-old man. Oh, and then I laughed at him.

Happy new year! How long are you allowed to say happy new year? Just on new year’s day? The first month? Until you stop writing the wrong year on things? Larry and I had a huge new year’s eve this year complete with baby barf and everyone going to bed at 9:15 and not waking up until 6:30 the next morning. If getting barfed on is the price I have to pay for a full night’s sleep, I WILL TAKE IT. DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE. Spike apparently had either the mildest virus in the history of the world — a couple of barfs and one explosive poo — or else he just felt like barfing on me a few times. As you do.

I am reading, at the internet’s recommendation, American Wife. And it is amazing. This kind of book love is a rare, but oh, when it happens, it is so sweet.

Have y’all seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? I started watching it with pretty low expectations and was pleasantly surprised. Reasons I liked it: it is a caper; Val Kilmer’s character is named Gay Perry; the voiceover bits made me laugh. I should try having low expectations all the time.

That is all.